Conflict

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Conflict Feedback

• (Dys)functional Viewpoints
• Harmony is Normal, Conflict abnormal
• Conflict is pathological
• Conflict should be reduced, avoided
• Conflict is due to personalities
• Emotions are not part of genuine conflict

Language choice reveal relational, temporal,
gravity, evaluation, etc. which dictate
communicative choices. When you have a
disagreement with your significant other, it is
best to have which kind of conflict? Knock-down,
drag-out, spat, tiff, quarrel, squabble, wrangle,
clash, disagreement, fight, brawl, fray, scrap,
tussle, skirmish, exchange of blows, mêlée,
encounter, confrontation, altercation, row,
argument, dispute, at odds, spar, joust, battle,
dispute, disagree, scuffle, free-for-all, fracas,
disturbance, fall out, uproar, commotion, tumult,
hullabaloo, hubbub, mayhem, turmoil, etc.
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Defensive Communication

• 1. USE STRATEGY
• 2. CONTROL OTHERS 
• 3. EVALUATE OTHERS 
• 4. BE NEUTRAL 
• 5. ACT SUPERIOR 
• 6. ACT CERTAIN 

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SUPPORTIVE ROLES

• 1. EXPRESS PROVISIONAL ATTITUDES 
• 2. TAKE A PROBLEM-ORIENTATION 
• 3. BEHAVE OPENLY AND WITH SPONTANEITY 
• 4. BE DESCRIPTIVE AND AVOID JUDGMENTS 
• 5. EXPRESS TRUST AND EMPATHY 
• 6. WORK FOR INDIVIDUALS AUTONOMY AND MUTUAL
  GROWTH -- EQUALITY

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JOHARI Window Known to Self Not Known to Self
Known to Others OPEN BLIND
Not Known to Others HIDDEN UNKNOWN
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TIPS FOR EFFECTIVE FEEDBACK

• 1. Focus feedback on behavior rather than the
  person. It is important that you refer to what a
  person does rather than comment on what you
  imagine she or he is. To focus on behavior
  implies that you use adverbs (which relate to
  actions) rather than adjectives (which relate to
  qualities) when referring to a person. Thus you
  might say a person "talked considerably in this
  meeting," rather than that this person "is a
  loudmouth."
•  2. Focus feedback of observations rather than
  inferences. Observations refer to what you can
  see or hear in the behavior of another person,
  while inferences refer to interpretations and
  conclusions which you make from what you see or
  hear. In a sense, inferences or conclusions
  about a person contaminate your observations,
  thus clouding the feedback for another person.
  When inferences or conclusions are shared, and it
  may be valuable to do this, it is important that
  they be so identified.

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•  3. Focus feedback on description rather than
  judgment. The effort to describe represents a
  process for reporting what occurred, while
  judgment refers to an evaluation in terms of good
  or bad, right or wrong, nice or not nice.
  Judgments arise out of a personal frame of
  reference or value system, whereas description
  represents neutral (as far as possible) reporting.

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THE MOST HELPFUL KINDS OF STATEMENTS ABOUT
YOURSELF AND YOUR REACTIONS INCLUDE

• 1. Behavior descriptions Reporting the specific
  acts of the other that affect you.
• "You cut in before I had finished by sentence."
• 2. Describing your own feelings
• "I feel blue." "I like what you just said."
• You should try to describe your feelings in such
  a way that they are seem as temporary and capable
  of change rather than as permanent attitudes.
  For example, "At this point I'm very annoyed with
  you. . ." rather than "I dislike you and I always
  will."

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•  3. Timing is important. Reactions should be
  shared as close to the behavior that aroused them
  as possible so that the other will know exactly
  what behavior is being discussed. For example,
  behavior during the encounter itself can be
  commented on (e.g., "What you just said is the
  kind of remark that makes me feel pushed away.")
  Disturbing situations should be discussed as they
  occur rather than saving up massive accumulations
  of hurt feelings and annoyances and dumping them
  on top of the other all at one time.

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•  4. Statements are more helpful if they are . .
  .
• a. Specific rather than general. "You bumped my
  cup" rather than"You never watch where you're
  going."
• b. Tentative rather than absolute. For example,
  "you seem unconcerned about Jimmy."
• c. Informing rather than ordering. "I hadn't
  finished yet," rather than "Stop interrupting
  me."
•  5. Use perception checking responses to insure
  that you are not making false assumptions about
  the other's feelings. "I thought you were not
  interested in trying to understand my idea. Was
  I wrong?" "Did my last statement bother you?"
  Paraphrase the other's comments about you to make
  sure the other understands your comments in the
  way you intend them.

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•  6. The least helpful kinds of statements are
  those that sound as if they are information about
  the other person but are really expressions of
  your own feeling coming out as . . .
• a. Judgments about the other, "You never pay
  attention."
• b. Labeling or name-calling. "You're a phony." "
  You're too rude."
• c. Accusations - imputing undesirable motives to
  the other. "You enjoy putting people down." "You
  always have to be in the center of attention.
• d. Commands and orders. "Stop laughing." Don't
  talk so much."
• e. Sarcasm. "You always look on the bright side
  of things, don't you.

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DEALING WITH CONFLICT

• Context Whenever you can, choose a comfortable,
  nondistracting context. Forget the "blaming
  game."
•  Personal perceiving Remember that
  disagreements escalate when you forget that your
  perceptions are highly subjective, especially in
  disagreements. Try to recognize that there's a
  tendency for each person to feel he/she is being
  unfairly persecuted, to apply a double standard
  to what's going on, to perceive issues and events
  in oversimplified, right/wrong terms.
•  Sharing Take responsibility for your feelings
  and actions. Use specific descriptions of your
  feelings instead of generalizations, accusations,
  and inferences.  Remember that sharing creates
  trust and trust encourages sharing.
•  Being aware resolving conflict interpersonally
  is much easier when you listen responsivelyconfir
  m, paraphrase, parasupport, and diminish
  defensiveness.

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Handling Conflict Interpersonally

• Conflict occurs when human differences meet.
• Disagreements are unavoidable, but most of them
  can be handled interpersonally.
•  Content conflict can includedisagreements about
  accuracy of perceptions or statements.
  differences in definitions of terms,
  disagreements about reasoning processes.
• Definition-of-selves conflict can focus on
  historical selves --whether a person is informed
  or uninformed, competent or incompetent,who has
  what kind of authority,who is more powerful, who
  has what duties or obligations\
• or present selves -- how a person sees himself or
  herself at the present moment.

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Further Suggestions

• Try to imagine the real of the other
• Imagining the real involves knowing and
  understanding what the other person is going
  through during the conflict, Imagining the real
  is limited by the realness of the other, i.e.,
  you recognize the other as a unique person, The
  feelings you experience aren't just your feelings
  projected on to the other. Imagining the real
  involves the element of surprise.
•  Deal directly with content disagreements.
• Limit your disagreement to one issue at a time
  avoid "gunnysacking. Try not to let the conflict
  influence you to exaggerate how relevant the
  issue actually is to you, Clarify points of
  disagreements so you don't find yourself
  attacking a position that the other person isn't
  maintaining.

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• Handle disagreements over definitions of selves
  by
• getting in touch with how you define yourself
  when you're in a conflict identifying the
  "triggers" of the dispute so you can pinpoint the
  definitions of selves that are operating
  remembering to use your positive feelings about
  the other to keep clear the distinctions between
  unacceptable ideas and unacceptable persons
  exploring the use of role reversal.
•  If the conflict seems irresolvable,
• systemically review the ways you've tried to deal
  with it be sure to leave people room to change
  suggest a quiet time remember that sometimes the
  best you can do is interpersonally agree to
  disagree.

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COMMUNICATIVE ACTS IN CONFLICT

• AVOIDANCE ACTS
•  1. Simple denial. Unelaborated statements that
  deny that a conflict
• is present.
•  2. Extended denial. Denial statements that
  elaborate on the basis of
• the denial.
•  3. Underresponsiveness. Failure to acknowledge
  or deny the presence of a
• conflict following a statement or inquiry about
  the conflict by the
• partner.
•  4. Topic shifting. Statements that terminate
  discussions of a conflict
• issue before an opinion has been expressed.
•  5. Topic avoidance. Statements that terminate
  discussion of a conflict issue before an opinion
  has been expressed.
•  6. Abstractness. Abstract principles,
  generalizations, and hypothetical statements that
  supplant discussion of concrete individuals and
  events related to conflict.
•  7. Semantic focus. Statements about the
  meaning of words or the appropriateness of labels
  that supplant discussion of conflict.
•  8. Process focus. Procedural statements that
  supplant discussion of conflict.
•  9. Joking. Non-hostile joking that supplants
  serious discussion of conflict.
•  10. Ambivalence. Shifting or contradictory
  statements about the presence of conflict.
•  11. Pessimism. Pessimistic statements about
  conflict which minimize the discussion of
  conflict issues.

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 DISTRIBUTIVE ACTS Verbally Competitive or
individualistic acts.

•  12. Faulting. Statements that directly
  criticize the personal characteristics of the
  partner.
•  13. Rejection. Statements in response to the
  partner's previous statement that indicate
  personal antagonism toward the partner as well as
  disagreements.
•  14. Hostile questioning. Directive or leading
  questions that fault the partner.
•  15. Hostile joking. Joking or teasing that
  faults the partner.
•  16. Presumptive attribution. Statements that
  attribute thoughts, feeling, intentions, or
  motivations to other partner that the partner
  does not acknowledge.
•  17. Avoiding responsibility. Statements that
  minimize or deny personal responsibility for
  conflict.
•  18. Prescription. Requests, demands,
  arguments, threats, or other prescriptive
  statements that seek a specified change in the
  partner's behavior in order to resolve a conflict.

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INTEGRATIVE ACTS Verbally Cooperative and
Disclosure Acts

• 19. Description. Nonevaluative statements about
  observable events related to conflict.
•  20. Qualification. Statements that explicitly
  qualify the nature and extent of conflict.
•  21. Disclosure. Nonevaluative statements about
  events related to conflict which the partner
  cannot observe, such as thoughts, feelings,
  intentions, motivations, and past history.
•  22. Soliciting disclosure. Soliciting
  information from the partner about events related
  to conflict which one cannot observe.
•  23. Negative inquiry. Soliciting complaints
  about oneself.
•  24. Empathy or support. Statements that
  express understanding, acceptance, or positive
  regard for the partner despite acknowledgement
  of a conflict.
•  25. Emphasizing commonalties. Statements which
  comment on shared interests, goals, or
  compatibility's with the partner despite
  acknowledgement of a conflict.
•  26. Accepting responsibility. Statements that
  attribute responsibility for conflicts to self or
  to both parties.
•  27. Initiating problem-solving. Statements
  that initiate mutual consideration of solutions
  to conflict.

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In the End

• Conflict is cooperative takes two.
• A vast majority of our interactions are
  supportive and mutually reinforcing
• What you say does make a difference