Title: Crucial Conversations
1Crucial Conversations
Crucial Conversations
Key Concepts
Pat Seigler
2(No Transcript)
3 Objectives
- Be Able to Define What a Crucial Conversation is.
- Know Your Style Under Stress
- Have a Basic Understanding of the Crucial
Conversations Course
4The Problem
- Projects Fail
- People Are Afraid to Speak Up
- Environment isnt Safe to Speak Up
- We Cant Talk Without People Taking it Personally
or Shutting Down
5When We Dont Communicate..
6(No Transcript)
7(No Transcript)
8Shuttle Columbia Crew
9Tyler, Texas Feb. 1, 2003
10New York Times, Dec. 30, 2008
The impact of the foam was obvious in videos
taken at launching, and during the Columbias
16-day mission, NASA engineers pleaded with
mission managers to examine the wing to see if
the blow had caused serious damage. The managers,
however, held firm to the then-common belief that
foam strikes were relatively harmless and
constituted a maintenance problem, not a fatal
risk.
11New York Times, Dec. 30, 2008
In a scathing report issued in August 2003, an
investigative board later found that a broken
safety culture at the National Aeronautics and
Space Administration was largely responsible for
the deaths. It criticized managers as complacent
and too tightly focused on scheduling and
budgetary pressures.
12 Silence Fails 5 Common Issues
- Fact-free planning
- Absent Without Leave (AWOL) sponsors
- Skirting
- Project Chicken
- Team Failures
13What Can We Do?
14(No Transcript)
15Crucial Conversations
The Principles of Crucial Conversations
Get Unstuck How to spot the conversations
that are keeping you from what you want. Start
with Heart How to stay focused on what you
really want. Learn to Look How to notice
when safety is at risk. Make it Safe How to
make it safe to talk about almost
anything. Master My Stories How to stay in
dialogue when youre angry, scared, or
hurt. STATE My Path How to speak
persuasively, not abrasively. Explore Others
Paths How to listen when others blow up or
clam up. Move to Action How to turn crucial
conversations into action and results.
16Get Unstuck
How to Spot the Conversations That are Keeping
You From What You Want
The Problem Were all stuck not achieving what
we want in a variety of
areas, ranging from awkward or failing
relationships to dysfunctional teams
to performance, quality or other
problems at work.
The Solution Learn how to get to the root
cause of these and other problems.
Learn the key skills of talking,
listening and acting together
17Get Unstuck
Dialogue A discussion between 2 or more people
18Get Unstuck
- When routine conversations turn crucial we can
- respond in one of three ways
- We Can Avoid Them
- Handle Them Poorly or
- Handle Them Well
19Get Unstuck The Troubled Couple
Whats going on with these two? Why?
20Get Unstuck Cross Words
Why did the boss respond this way?
21Get Unstuck
Ideally we want to participate in a dialogue,
which is the free flow of meaning between 2 or
more people
Pool of Shared Meaning
Freely convey motives, desires
22Get Unstuck
Safety is Key
Pool of Shared Meaning
23Get Unstuck
Normal Response to Tough Discussions/Situations
Silence
Withdrawing Avoiding Masking
Pool of Shared Meaning
Controlling Labeling Attacking
Violence
24Get Unstuck
Normal Response to Tough Discussions/Situations
Silence
Withdrawing Avoiding Masking
Pool of Shared Meaning
When it matters the most, we do the worst
Emotions lead us astray
Controlling Labeling Attacking
Violence
25Get Unstuck
Silence
Withdrawing Avoiding Masking
Pool of Shared Meaning
Pool of Shared Meaning
Controlling Labeling Attacking
Violence
26Get Unstuck Group Discussion
- When it comes to your organization,
- where are you stuck? What do people
- gripe about? What do people complain
- about when they go home?
- What are the problems people are always
- trying to fix?
27Get Unstuck
Think CPR
Content If dealing with a problem for the
first time, it makes sense to talk about
the content. You missed the
deadline. Pattern (or Process) If the
problem continues, youll want to talk about the
pattern. Relationship If the problem is
harming your overall relationship, thats what
youll want to discuss.
28Start With Heart
- How to Stay Focused on
- What You Really Want
The Problem The first thing that degrades
during a crucial
conversation in not our behavior, but
our motive.
The Solution Learn how to stay focused on what
you really want, and
get better results.
29Start With Heart
- Three heart problems
- We Become Blind to our Own Role in the Problem
- Our Motives Degrade
- We Limit Our Choices
- When we take responsibility for our own
- behaviors, we also take control of our lives.
- Its the first Habit of the 7 Habits of Highly
- Effective PeopleBe Proactive
30Foundation Be Proactive
Be Proactive
31Start With Heart
- There are 2 ways we can kick-start our thinking
- and work on ourselves
- Ask what you really want.
- Avoid the Suckers Choice
32Start With Heart
What Am I Acting Like I Want?
Unhealthy Goals
Goals of Dialogue
Learn Find the truth Produce results Strengthen
relationships
Be right Look good/save face Keep the
peace Win Punish, blame Avoid conflict
Are you listening to reply?
33Start With Heart
- Avoid the Suckers Choice Search for the elusive
and - Clarify what you want
- Clarify what you really dont want
- Combine the two into an and question that
forces you - to search for more creative and productive
options - than silence or violence.
-
- (Dont choose between two bad choices)
Example How can I have a candid conversation
with my supervisor about
unrealistic goals and avoid creating bad feelings
or wasting our time?
34Start With Heart
What had to change in Ricks attitude in order
for him to make this change?
35Learn to Look
- How to Notice When
- Safety is at Risk
The Problem When a conversation turns crucial,
we either miss or
misinterpret the early warning signs.
The Solution The sooner we notice were not in
dialogue, the quicker
we can get back to dialogue and the lower
the cost.
36Learn to Look
- Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations
- Watch for physical signals. (stomach tightening)
- Notice your emotions. (feelings of anger)
- Watch the behavioral signs. (raised voice)
37Learn to Look
- Look for Safety Problems
- Silence
- Violence
38Learn to Look
Silence
Withdrawing Avoiding Masking
Pool of Shared Meaning
Pool of Shared Meaning
Controlling Labeling Attacking
Violence
39Learn to Look
- Silence
- Any act to purposefully withhold information from
- the pool of meaning.
- Masking
- Understating or selectively showing our true
- opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating and
couching. - Avoiding
- Completely staying away from sensitive
subjects. - Withdrawing
- Pulling out of communication completely.
40Learn to Look
- Violence
- Any action to compel others toward your point of
view. - Controlling
- Coercing others through how we share our views
- or drive the conversation itself.
- Labeling
- Putting a label on people or ideas so we can
dismiss - them under a general stereotype or category.
- Attacking
- Resorting to abusive tactics belittling,
name-calling and - threatening.
41Learn to Look
Which forms of Silence and Violence can you spot?
42Learn to Look
Did you find all of them?
43Learn to Look
Learn Your Style Under Stress
44Learn to Look Group Discussion
- What do you think is your teams
- Style Under Stress?
- Do you tend toward dialogue, silence
- or violence?
45Make it Safe
- How to Make it Safe to
- Talk about Almost Anything
The Problem When things go wrong in crucial
conversations we assume
the content of the message is the
problem, so we begin to water it down
or avoid it altogether.
The Solution You cant be too honest. If you
learn how to make it
safe, you can talk to almost anyone about almost
anything.
46Make it Safe
- How can you make it safe?
- Step out of the content
- Rebuild safety
- You care about their interests and goals
- You care about them
- Then step back in
Its all about Mutual Purpose and Mutual
Respect
47Make it Safe
- Mutual Purpose Must Have Common Objectives
- Dialogue cant begin until we have mutual purpose
- Without mutual purpose people withhold meaning
- Mutual purpose is the foundation of trust
- Build mutual purpose
- But, dont back off on content.
Trust is key for organizational excellence
48Make it Safe
49Make it Safe
Mutual Respect
- Respect is like air. You dont think about
- it until its gone. Once its gone its all
- you think about.
50Make it Safe
- Two Skills to Make it Safe
- Apologize when appropriate
- Be sincere!
- Contrast to fix misunderstandings
- Dont/Do statement
- Address others conclusions that you dont
respect them - Or that you have malicious purpose (the dont
part) - Confirm your respect or clarify your real purpose
(the do part)
Clarify by Contrasting
51Make it Safe
What 2 things does Marc do to help restore safety?
52Master My Stories
- How to Stay in Dialogue When
- Youre Angry, Scared, or Hurt
The Problem When it matters the most and our
emotions kick in. we
often do our worst and we feel like were doing
the right thing.
The Solution Learn how to create emotions that
make you want to return
to healthy dialogue.
53Master My Stories
- Emotions dont just happen
- Others dont make you mad,
- you make you mad! You and
- only you create your emotions.
- When it comes to strong emotions,
- you either find a way to master
- them or fall hostage to them.
54Master My Stories Path to Action
Stories create Feelings
55Master My Stories Path to Action
Master Your Stories- The Power to Choose Your
Response
The Power to Choose
Stimulus
Response
The Tools
Notice Your Behavior Get in Touch With Your
Feelings Analyze Your Stories Get Back to the
Facts Watch for the 3 Stories
56Master My Stories
- The 3 Stories To Watch For
- Victim Stories Its not my fault
- Villain Stories Its all your fault
- Helpless Stories Theres nothing I can do
57Master My Stories
- Tell the Rest of the Story
- Tell a useful story.
- Am I pretending not to notice my role in the
problem? - Why would a reasonable, rational and decent
- person do what this person is doing?
58Master My Stories
What happens to them as they tell the rest of the
story?
59Master My Stories Group Exercise
What stories do you tell about your
organizational partners when youre frustrated
or upset at something that has occurred? Dont
sugarcoat your stories! Whats a better way to
respond?
60STATE My Path
- How to Speak Persuasively,
- Not Abrasively
The Problem During crucial conversations we say
things in exactly the
wrong way.
The Solution Learn the five skills for saying
risky things in a way
that minimizes defensiveness.
61STATE My Path
- Learn 5 Skills for Saying Risky Things in a Way
- That Minimizes Defensiveness
Express your views in ways that maintain or build
safety
Confident
Humble
Strike A Balance
62STATE My Path
- STATE My Path
- Share your facts
- Tell your story
- Ask for others paths
- Talk tentatively
- Encourage testing
What skills
How skills (How meaning should be shared)
Remember Maintain Safety!
63STATE My Path
What elements does she use? How does this affect
the conversation?
64Explore Others Paths
- How to Listen When Others
- Blow Up or Clam Up
The Problem Others have moved to either silence
or violence, and your
about to join them.
The Solution Learn how to help others leave
silence and violence
behind and join you in dialogue while keeping
yourself from becoming
upset or defensive.
65Explore Others Paths
- When others move to silence or violence, if we
dont - get to the source of their feelings,
- we suffer the effects of their feelings.
What do we mean by this?
66Explore Others Paths
- Start with Heart Get Ready to Listen
- Be willing to listen
- Seek the truth (why do you believe that?)
- Be sincere
- Be curious
- Stay curious
- Be patient (it may take awhile for emotions to
calm)
67Explore Others Paths
Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path
Break the Emotional Cycle Get to the root Curb
your own emotions Get to the facts AMPP to help
you
68Explore Others Paths
AMPP
- Ask to get things rolling
- Mirror to confirm feelings
- Paraphrase to acknowledge the story
- Prime when youre getting nowhere
69Explore Others Paths
70Move to Action
- How to Turn Crucial Conversations
- Into Action and Results
The Problem When we finish off a crucial
conversation, we often
create a whole new set of problems by not ending
well.
The Solution Learn how to move from talking to
achieving the results
weve been after all along.
71Move to Action
Dialogue is Not Decision Making!
72Move to Action
Decide How To Decide!
- Command one person decides without others
- involvement
- Consult Everyone gives input, then a subset
- of one or more makes the
decision - (modified version key stakeholders
- give input)
- Vote All have a voice, but the majority rules
- Consensus Everyone must agree
73Move to Action
- Four Important Questions
- Who Cares? Who genuinely wants to be involved.
- Who Knows? Who has the expertise to make the
- decision.
- Who Must Agree? Authority or influence issues
- How Many People is it Worth Involving? Involve
- the fewest people
possible.
74Move to Action
- Making Assignments Putting Decisions to Action
- Who?
- Does What?
- By When?
- Whats the follow up?
Document Your Work
75Move to Action
Why is it important that he does this?
76Crucial Conversations
The Principles of Crucial Conversations
Get Unstuck How to spot the conversations
that are keeping you from what you want. Start
with Heart How to stay focused on what you
really want. Learn to Look How to notice
when safety is at risk. Make it Safe How to
make it safe to talk about almost
anything. Master My Stories How to stay in
dialogue when youre angry, scared, or
hurt. STATE My Path How to speak
persuasively, not abrasively. Explore Others
Paths How to listen when others blow up or
clam up. Move to Action How to turn crucial
conversations into action and results.