COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION
Since the microcosm of personal relationships
influences the macrocosm of civilization just as
the civilizationits customs and
cultureinfluences personal relationship, it is
in our relationships that we might effect this
change. Source The Verbally Abusive
Relationship
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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION
A FOUR PART PROCESS

• Observing actions that affect our well-being
• Feeling as it relates to the action observed
• Needs, values, desires that create our feelings
• Request a positive action that will enrich our
  lives

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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION
OBSERVATION vs. EVALUATION EVALUATION
OBSERVATION You seldom do what I want. I asked
you 3 times to clean your room and you
didnt do it. He comes over frequently. He
comes over 3 times a week. Sally is
lazy. Sally came to work 2 hours
late Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Jim is
ugly. Jims looks dont appeal to me. Hank is
a poor soccer player. Hank did not score a goal
in 20 games.
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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION
FEELINGS Use words that refer to specific
emotions. Good could mean happy, excited,
relieved or a number of other emotions. Words
such as good or bad prevent the listener from
connecting easily with what we might actually
feel. HOW WE FEEL WHEN OUR NEEDS ARE
BEING MET Alive Alert Amused Blissful Calm Cheer
ful Affectionate Carefree Confident Eager Ecstatic
Elated Energetic Excited Free Friendly Fulfilled
Glad Happy Hopeful Interested Joyful Loving Involv
ed Peaceful Moved Optimistic Overwhelmed Pleased P
roud Quiet Relaxed Relieved Satisfied Secure Seren
e Surprised Tender Thankful Thrilled Touched Trust
ing Warm Refreshed Wonderful Zestful Merry Expecta
nt Encouraged
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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION
FEELINGS HOW WE FEEL WHEN OUR NEEDS ARE
NOT BEING MET Afraid Disgusted Intense Aggrav
ated Disheartened Irate Agitated Dismayed Irke
d Alarmed Displeased Irritated Aloof Jealous A
ngry Distressed Anguished Disturbed Annoyed Do
wncast Lazy Anxious Leery Apathetic Lethargic
Edgy Listless Lonely Ashamed Embarrassed Emb
ittered Mad Beat Mean Bewildered Exhausted Mis
erable Bitter Fatigued Fearful
Fidgety Mournful Bored Nervous Frightened Furious
Frustrated Cold Gloomy Panicky Guilty Harried
Brokenhearted Overwhelmed Cross Helpless Puzz
led Depressed Reluctant Repelled Hostile Rese
ntful Restless Sad Hurt Disappointed Scared I
mpatient Sensitive Indifferent
Discouraged Exasperated Shocked Terrified Upset Ti
red Sleepy Troubled Sorry Surprised Unhappy W
orried Suspicious Upright
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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION
FEELINGS INTERPRETING WORDS These words
interpret the actions of others rather than
express a clear statement of feeling. They
express how we THINK the actions of others
cause us to feel, rather than how we really
feel. Abandoned Distrusted Put
Down Abused Interrupted Rejected Attacked Intim
idated Taken for Granted Betrayed Let
Down Threatened Boxed-In Manipulated Unapprecia
ted Bullied Misunderstood Unheard Cheated Neglec
ted Unseen Invisible Coerced Overworked Unsuppo
rted Co-opted Patronized Unwanted Cornered Pre
ssured Used Diminished Provoked
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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

• BASIC HUMAN NEEDS WE ALL SHARE
• AUTONOMY To Choose Ones
• Dreams, goals, and values
• Plan for fulfilling dreams, goals, values
• CELEBRATION
• The creation of life and dreams fulfilled
• Losses loved ones, dreams (mourning)
• INTEGRITY
• Authenticity -Self-worth
• Creativity - Meaning

• INTERDEPENDENCE
• Acceptance
• Appreciation
• Closeness
• Community
• Consideration
• Contribution to the enrichment of life
• Emotional Safety
• Empathy
• Honesty
• Love
• Reassurance
• Respect
• Support
• Trust
• Understanding

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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

• Needs resources life requires to sustain
  itself.
• Needs, as defined here, are things that all human
  beings need, regardless of gender, race,
  educational levels, religious beliefs, or
  nationality, we have the same needs.
• Needs contain no reference to specific people
  taking specific action.
• Effective strategies or what are more commonly
  referred to as wants, requests, desires, and
  solutions do refer to specific people taking
  specific actions.

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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

• Identify whatever needs of yours are not being
  fulfilled in the relationship.
• Identify what needs of yours will be better
  fulfilled by doing things the way you advocate as
  opposed to the way the other party advocates.
• All analysis that implies wrongness is basically
  a tragic expression of unmet needs.
• Once the need is expressed, the next step is to
  make sure the other party heard it.

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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

• OFFERING STRATEGIES IN POSITIVE ACTION LANGUAGE
• Express proposed strategies clearly in present,
  positive action language.
• Present language means a clear statement of
  what is wanted from the other side at this
  moment, such as Id like you to tell me if you
  would be willing to, and then say the action
  that you would like the other person to take.
• Positive action language is what we want done,
  not what we dont want.
• Every no says there is a need that is not
  addressed by our strategy which keeps them from
  saying yes.

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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

• If we hear the no as a rejection, or if we
  start to blame the other person for saying no
  then its not likely that were going to find a
  way of getting everyones needs met. It is key
  to keep the focus, throughout the process, on
  meeting everyones needs.
• BASIC FEELINGS WE ALL HAVE
• Feelings when needs are fulfilled Feelings
  when needs are NOT fulfilled
• Amazed Angry
• Confident Confused
• Energetic Nervous
• Glad Sad
• Inspired Frustrated
• Joyous Irritated
• Optimistic Discouraged
• Relieved Distressed
• Touched Helpless
• Comfortable Uncomfortable
• Eager Disappointed
• Fulfilled Concerned
• Hopeful Hopeless

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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

• The kindest word in all the world is the unkind
  word, unsaid.
• Source Unknown