Supporting Parents during the Matching Process

1
Supporting Parentsduring theMatching Process

• Tessa Thonett

2
The Thonett Family
tessathonett_at_gmail.com
3
GODS HOPEA family of True Love where the 4
Great Realms of Love abide

• 2nd Gen bring so much hope to God, as He sees His
  Ideal coming closer
• - Living for the sake of the Whole,
• living for the sake of their Spouses
• and their Children
• Heavenly Father can be present more and more here
  on earth, living with these families!

4
Supporting Parents during the Matching Process

• Parents dont need to struggle alone with
  Matching their child
• So complex relationships in every family are so
  different approaches are so different
• Were building a worldwide support team, or
  network, based on heart, not forms!

5
Support and Guidance
Helping parents find possible candidates
(Were NOT matchmakers!)
Representing Parents at Matching
Convocations
USA/ Europe connection working closely together
6
Supporting Parents during Matching Process

• Processes are different
• Each and every matching process is different, as
  are all those involved
• Everyone is Unique, with different priorities or
  needs

7
(No Transcript)
8

• However difficult it seems
• God has prepared someone for your child!

9
Supporting Parents during Matching Process

• My experience this last summer when the parents
  were all keen, but the children said nolong
  process which went nowhere. In my family too
• Can be extremely disappointing sad
• Dont give up hopeand dont try to force them
  either, however well intentioned you are. They
  will always feel like it wasnt their choice or
  decision, even resenting you later

10
Supporting Parents during Matching Process

• One can never know what will come to us in this
  process, but it is often something that will
  stretch our hearts and capacity to see and
  understand others hearts and limitations.

11

• In Jin Nim
• in this day and age, because of the sacrifices
  of the first generation and the foundation that
  they have laid, the second and the third
  generation have this incredible opportunity, not
  only to receive the most precious thing in life
  which is the Blessing, but also to experience
  joy romantic love

12

• In Jin Nim said how lovely it is that 2nd gen.
  can have the experience of being in love
• This doesnt mean that 2nd gen. should fall in
  love and choose their own spouse!
• It is important to remember the vertical
  connection, through the parents to the children

13

• True Parents gave the spiritual inheritance
• to the PARENTS
• (NOT to the children!)

14
Supporting Parents during Matching Process

• Try to get as close to the ideal as you can,
  according to the faith and heart of your child
• Many children have limitations much better to
  discover before the Matching or Blessing (or
  children)!
• Nurturing an honest and trusting relationship
  with your child, whatever age they are, is the
  ideal preparation

15

• These children were born into this faith, they
  didnt choose their faith. We cannot expect of
  them what we expect from ourselves - unless they
  have taken ownership of their faith!!
• Heavens standards are unchanging and absolute.
  Try to get as close to that standard as possible,
  according to the faith of your child.
• Dont expect too much from your child their
  idealism vs. their actual abilities

16

• There is a tendency to pamper our children and
  not want them to go through hardships but if we
  try and find someone perfect in every way our
  child will die a spinster or bachelor!
• They need to grow together!
• Look at their potential young men very often
  become more mature after they have the
  responsibilities which comes with having a wife

17
Supporting Parents during Matching Process -
Have FAITH

• God wants you to find the right one!
• God is very present in the process, working with
  us, wanting to work through us
• We dont have to do everything ourselves - just
  connect to God and find His Will.
• PRAY! - LET GO AND LET GOD!!

18
Have CONFIDENCE

• Believe in yourselves!!
• You dont have be desperate or anxious
• Remember, we dont have to do this alone! With
  Gods Help you can do it!
• Be objective Discuss, Make Lists, Use your
  Intuition and you can use the support team!
• Keep going until you feel at least 70 sure, then
  share with your children.

19
The Matching Process

• 1st Communicate with and observe your child
  BEFORE you start looking!
• (Horoscopes, Flag pages, faces, etc)
• Find out their motivations LIMITATIONS
• Use my form !
• Adapt according to their needs

20
Quote from pure Blessed Child

• I am glad that this form allows me to express
  more deeply about the kind of person I would like
  to be Matched to it has helped me to put my
  feelings towards the Matching and Blessing into
  perspective.
• Ask for form at tessathonett_at_gmail.com

21
The Matching Process

• 2nd- Parents discuss together
• (Praying, making conditions together)
  
• - Decide together
• 3rd Make suggestion to children
• (only after steps 1 and 2)
• - They need to take ownership of their decision!
• They need the freedom to say Yes or No, not be
  pushed or emotionally blackmailed.
• They must feel free to decide for themselves in
  the end

22
The Matching Process

• The Ideal is not to depend on your child to make
  the decision first, or be involved early on in
  the process
• UNLESS
• They have been Blessed before and it broke,
• They are over 25
• Their faith is so wobbly and their trust in their
  parents is so weak, they need to be involved, to
  get Matched at all.
• (Matching support team there to help)

23
The Matching Process

• Balance
• VERTICAL (Restoration - what is Gods viewpoint?)
• HORIZONTAL (Whats good for your child)
• Best if balanced between the two
• KNOW YOUR CHILD!
• If two people enter a relationship both
  determined to make it work it will work!

24

• In Jin Nim
• Dont be hard on yourself over the difficulties
  they are normal. Remember that building your life
  together is a process of growth, of continual
  improvement. Investment is required in order that
  we feel truly alive.

25
The Matching Process

• Not necessarily ideal if both are too similar
• TRY TO CREATE A BALANCE
• But not too extreme as it can cause problems
• Take other restorational factors into
  consideration
• race, nationality, character traits (shy
  -extrovert, soft - sharp) etc. - only what the
  child can accept and then handle.

26
The Matching Process

• Be Sensitive
• Mistakesv..Purity
• Find out what your child will accept
• If your child is pure, and wants their match to
  be the same
• Say so early on
• If your child has fallen or made sexual mistakes,
  but went to Grace Ceremony
• Its understood that the sin is wiped away, but
  the memory is still there
• Let other parents know that mistakes were made
  but the Grace Ceremony was attended

27
The Matching Process

• Ideal to deal with one set of parents at a time
• Spiritually clearer
• Less likely to hurt someone
• Temptation at convocation ,and after, to pursue
  many

28
The Matching Process

• Always respect the other parents wishes!
• Be sensitive!
• Find out the WAY they want the process to go
• Always be honest and straight
• Let them know if another family approaches you

29
The Matching Process

• Respect other parents wishes to keep children
  out of the picture initially (Even if your child
  wants to be involved)
• Your child should be encouraged to have faith and
  trust
• - Wait until the other family is sure before
  involving your child

30
The Matching Process

• Understand that your child is not the subject
• Even though it is the childs life that is at
  stake they just use their emotions not so
  objective
• Tends to be much more complicated and stressful
  when children are involved from the beginning

31
Possible Problems

• Leaks happen when the children or siblings are
  involved
• Other candidate discovers through internet, (e.g.
  Facebook), or gossip.
• Try to keep your role as giving parents not
  burdening your children, safer for your children.
  Stay in your confident place as loving parents

32
The Matching Process

• Sometimes only ONE parent is involved in the
  process
• Very lonely
• Important not to make the child the confident
  chatting horizontally does NOT help
• This is where the Support Team can help

33

• In Jin Nim
• I feel that especially here in the West, theres
  a tendency for the parents to try to be their
  childrens best friend, but the children do not
  need a best friend in a form of a parent.  They
  need parents they need someone who is going to
  set the guide-lines, thats going to be their
  security blanket, and yet tell them You know
  if you do this, this is not the best thing to
  do.  We need to keep the revered and respected
  position, and at the same time make ourselves
  available for conversation

34
Possible Problems

• Wrong way to go about helping
• Friend or leader talking to the candidate first,
  not to the parents
• Always try to go the vertical way, through the
  parents
• If parents are not available, then go through an
  alternative (CF or advocate)

35
Possible Problems

• If you decide against the other child or family
  keep the other family informed!
• Dont just stop interaction!
• Have respect, be polite, be kind!

36

• Hyung Jin Nim
• The Blessing is our practice of living for the
  sake of others, the practice of true love

37

• Hyung Jin NIm said  
• "I encourage you all to keep in mind that your
  futures can be tremendous together. We want you
  to be very happy together. We want you to
  succeed. We want you to be abundantly fruitful in
  whatever you do and to find happiness in your
  relationship together"