WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP TEACHES OUR KIDS

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WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP TEACHES OUR KIDS
www.jessicayaffa.org
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We talk often about how being in a healthy
relationship helps us connect and grow as adults.
Equally important is what our relationship
teaches our kids. How we show up for ourselves
and our partner will set the groundwork for how
our kids show up for themselves and their partner
when they enter into relationships as adults. If
you are in a relationship, and you have kids of
any age, this article is for you. Lets take a
look at 8 healthy ways our relationship teaches
our kids.
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Our Relationship Teaches Our Kids About Healthy
Disagreement
Disagreement with others is unavoidable in life,
and our introduction to navigating disagreement
is made by our role model(s) in early childhood.
How do you navigate disagreement in your
relationship? Do you use respectful language?
Keep the volume at a fair level? Avoid attacking
anothers character? Do you pause when you feel
yourself getting heated? Do you ask for the same
in return? When were in it, were focused on
the disagreement and the swarm of emotions that
often come with it. But if were able to reflect,
we can usually find a pattern in our approach to
disagreement. And these patterns will in turn
teach our kids their first lessons in navigating
a dispute. We wont be perfect, but we can show
them that disagreement can end, respectfully, and
can actually act as a vehicle for growth and
change.
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Our Relationship Teaches Our Kids About Fair
Reconciliation
If disagreement is unavoidable, it makes sense
that the following lesson would be fair
reconciliation. After a disagreement in your
relationship, how do you reconcile? Are you
solution-oriented? Do you avoid using todays
argument as ammunition in a future argument? Is
there a fair compromise on a solution? Are there
honest apologies where needed? When our kids
watch us repair a relationship through fair
reconciliation, they learn that people can work
together against an issue, instead of each other.
They also learn humility, sensitivity, conflict
resolution, and, possibly the most important
lesson here they learn that they and others are
worthy and valuable, despite the disagreements
that arise.
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A Healthy Relationship Teaches Our Kids About
Boundaries
Boundaries Having healthy boundaries is tricky
for a lot of us (must have been tricky for our
role models, too!), but they can be easier to
learn when we see them modeled. The same is true
for our kids. What are we teaching about
boundaries? Do we model assertion of boundaries
for ourselves? Do we show respect for our
partners boundaries? Do we respect the
boundaries of the relationship? Do we model that
its ok to need new boundaries and model
permission to create them?
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They Learn about Maintaining Autonomy in a
Relationship
Autonomy Autonomy and boundaries go hand in
hand, as we often need boundaries to maintain
autonomy. Yet, autonomy, in itself, is important
to a healthy relationship and warrants its own
discussion. How are we modeling autonomy? Do we
have space within the relationship to make
decisions? Do we choose our own hobbies, our
personal style, our place of work, our friends,
and even how to spend our free time? Of course,
when were in a healthy relationship, there are
instances where it might seem like we sidelined
our autonomy say, when we go to an event with
our partner even though wed rather not. Or maybe
its bigger maybe we turn down an out-of-state
job because of the impact it would have on our
relationship. In a healthy relationship, even
when it seems we acquiesce to something, were
doing it through autonomous choice. That is,
were making way because we want to, not because
we have to, and yes, theres a big difference.
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By teaching our kids that individual autonomy in
a relationship is important, we teach them that
its okay to be themselves in a relationship. We
teach them that they are worthy and valuable just
as they are. Just as importantly, we teach them
that they have a voice and choice in the
relationship, which is critical to relating in a
healthy way.
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We Teach Them About Healthy Communication
Communication Healthy communication is
inseparable from a healthy relationship, and not
just when things get tough. What are we doing to
model healthy communication? Do we voice our
preferences and needs? Are we honest about what
we like and dont like? Do we communicate in a
way that empowers connection? Do we provide a
safe space for our partner to speak up? Do we
practice active listening? How we communicate can
be the crux of a healthy relationship, and when
our kids see us practice empathetic, authentic
communication, it teaches them that their voices
matter. It teaches them that our words and
language impact others and the relationship. It
teaches them that others are also worthy of safe
spaces and focused listening. Most importantly,
it teaches them that healthy communication is
safe.
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They Learn to Give and Receive Affection in
Healthy Ways
Affection Affection looks differently from
relationship to relationship, and thats normal,
healthy, and fine! Its not just about expressing
and receiving affection especially if both
partners have different needs when it comes to
the matter. How do we model meeting different
needs? How do we model respect for anothers
boundaries, while staying true to ourselves? How
much effort do we put into creatively showing our
affection for another? Does the affection wax and
wane in the relationship, as it does in many
healthy unions? How do we handle that? How do we
address affection outside the relationship, and
how does that impact our partnership? When we
model healthy affection, whatever that may look
like, we model different ways to give and receive
affection. We show them that its up to the
partners to decide how affection is expressed in
their relationship.
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They Learn about Meeting Their Needs, As Well As
Their Partners
Meeting needs If were honest, sometimes
partners in a relationship can have differing
needs. What lessons are we teaching about how to
get our own needs met in a way that allows our
partner to also have their needs met? Are we
aware of our needs? Are we sensitive to the needs
of our partner? How do we handle conflicting
needs? When we model healthy ways of handling
needs in a relationship, we teach our children
that their needs matter. Likewise, while we teach
them that their needs matter, we also teach them
that the needs of others matter, too. When we
model healthy ways of meeting needs, they see
that getting everyones needs met is a delicate
dance between people, that all needs are
important, and that no single person is
responsible for all the needs.
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They Learn What it Looks Like to Prioritize
Important Relationships
Prioritization of important relationships
Undoubtedly, one of the greatest things about
being in a relationship is the sense of belonging
somewhere, and the sense that we matter and are
important to our partner. And, to be honest, it
feels pretty great to have a special someone to
love and dote on as our number one. When we
prioritize our partner in healthy ways, we model
what it looks like to create a relationship that
fosters a sense of belonging for both partners.
We model safe and healthy ways to put our most
important people first, without ignoring
ourselves. Most importantly, we show our kids
that they are worthy of feeling important in a
relationship, too. Of course, this list isnt
exhaustive. The lessons we teach our kids about
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relationships, by being a mindful model, can last
them the rest of their lives. Just by showing up
in healthy ways for ourselves, our partner, and
the relationship, we show up for our kids, too.
And that is a beautiful thing. If theres
anything in this list that stood out to you as a
point to work on, a relationship coach could be a
great fit. Please dont hesitate to reach out
we can help!
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Thank you!
jessica_at_jessicayaffa.org
858-413-6063
www.jessicayaffa.org