4 Steps to Solving your Solvable Problems (1)

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4 Steps to Solving your Solvable Problems

• www.principleskills.com

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Step 1 Use a Softened Startup

• Complain but dont criticize or attack your
  spouse.
• State your feelings without blame, and express a
  positive need (what you want, not what you dont
  want).
• Make statements that start with I instead of
  you.
• Describe what is happening dont evaluate or
  judge.
• Be clear. Be polite. Be appreciative. Dont store
  things up.

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Step 2 Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts

• De-escalate the tension and pull out of a
  downward cycle of negativity by asking for a
  break, sharing what you are feeling, apologizing,
  or expressing appreciation.

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Step 3 Soothe Yourself and Each Other

• Conflict discussions can lead to flooding. When
  this occurs, you feel overwhelmed both
  emotionally and physically, and you are too
  agitated to really hear what your spouse is
  saying.
• Take a break to soothe and distract yourself, and
  learn techniques to soothe your spouse.

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Step 4 Compromise

• Heres an exercise to try
• Decide together on a solvable problem to tackle.
• Then separately draw two circlesa smaller one
  inside a larger one.
• In the inner circle list aspects of the problem
  you cant give in on.
• In the outer circle, list the aspects you can
  compromise about.
• Try to make the outer circle as large as possible
  and your inner circle as small as possible.
• Then come back and look for common bases for
  agreement.

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• If so, I highly recommend my couples weekend
  workshop The Art and Science of Love, created by
  the Gottman Institute.
• Information and exercises are presented in an
  organized, cohesive manner. It's a wonderful
  investment in your love life, and will truly
  strengthen your relationship!

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