The Winston Chronicles Live From Vegas

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The Winston Chronicles (Live From Vegas)

• Entertaining? Possibly. Newsworthy? Unlikely.
  Something to help you shove the top of your
  to-do list down to the bottom? Definitely. This
  is.

The Week in Review for September 7th 2009
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Most Popular Bible to get Revision

• Well its about time! How many times have you
  thought to yourself the bible is just soooo last
  Tuesday. Well Keith Danby, CEO of Biblica,
  makers of the New International Version couldnt
  agree more. The New International Version is the
  go-to book for conservative evangelicals. To be
  included are some gender updates (son of god
  changed to children of god) and more modern
  more easily accessible language. The new bible
  will be far more user friendly and be far mo
  hipper than previous versions. We have contacted
  Biblica and they released some samples from the
  new bible including original passages and the
  revised text (next slide)

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What is it?

• A. The California wildfires have been traced back
  to hell. If we dont fight Satan down there well
  have to fight him up here.
• B. Why all the firemen shouldnt ride up front
• C. An unstable sinkhole caused by a water line
  break
• D. The new Transformer Sub-Optimal Prime--
  Optimus Primes mentally unstable half-brother
  that no one likes to talk about

The answer is C. An unstable sinkhole caused by a
water line break. It took at least three more
fire engines to fall into the sinkhole until it
was completely filled at which point traffic on
the street was able to resume.
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Its a straight flush, but it isnt Poker!

• Tired of having to stop playing slots to get up
  and go to the bathroom, knowing that someone else
  is going to win big on the machine youve been
  warming up all day? Fear not compulsive gamblers,
  the new Jack-Potty, a huge hit at the annual
  Las Vegas Gaming Trade Show, replaces traditional
  chairs and allows patrons the luxury of non-stop
  gambling. Now you can crap-out anytime you like
  without even being at the craps table! The
  toilet, which is also networked to the host slot
  machine, pays off on average every 10 flushes.
  Finally, your hard-earned money isnt the only
  thing going straight down the toilet

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Congratulations Mr. Semenya its a girl?

• Ah yes, what would Olympic sports be without
  controversy? Caster Semenyas Dad is really mad
  about the reports that Caster has internalized
  male organs, you might even say hes a bit
  testyNewspapers have reported that Semyena is a
  hermaphrodite although this has not been
  substantiated. It turns out that there are no
  true hermaphrodites in that no one has a
  complete set of everything. Not only is that not
  possible, it wouldnt be fair. Often times the
  individual (now referred to as having sexual
  development disorder or intersexuality may
  have external female genitalia but have no uterus
  or ovaries and instead may have internal testes.
  Although not proven yet, it is believed that this
  may be the reason that Semenya is so muscular,
  has a deep voice, loves pickups, and is
  incredibly excited about the start of football
  season in America.

It still isnt clear if she is going to be
allowed to compete as a woman, or compete as a
man, or compete in the intersexuality division
(which she would clearly win as she would be the
only one in it). We however believe that everyone
should just grow a pair and stop bitching and
moaning about the whole affair.
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What is it?

• A. Why Fire Marshal Bill says that you should
  always slide down the pole one at a time.
• B. Milton Bradley's new family game Vertical
  Twister!
• C. An Indonesian public service video
  demonstrating what to do in case of a major
  typhoon.
• D. Two men climbing a greased bamboo pole trying
  to reach fabulous prizes located at the top
  during an Indonesian independence day festival

And the answer isC, no wait, D! Whoa, that was a
tricky one! Yes what would independence day be
without a foot in your face during the annual
prize pole challenge!
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Must kill the infidels, must kill the infidels,
must watch Sponge Bob, then must kill the
infidels.
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Hey forget Deer Season, its Football Season

• And you know what that means, its time to go
  hunting for football players. What? You didnt
  know? Yes, apparently football season doesnt
  mean its time to play football, it means its
  time to shoot football players. Well prove it!
  The list to the right shows 14 players who were
  shot. Thats why we feel it shouldnt be called
  football season. Its just too confusing for
  many hunters. We are offering the new term
  Football Time! We think the most important
  lessons to learn from these tragedies is that
  football players should start wearing baseball
  caps and jerseys to throw the hunters off the
  trail, and they should stay away from Florida if
  at all possible!

• Curtis Brinkley, shot in philadelphia
• Steve McNair shot in Tennesee
• Darrent Williams shot in Colorado
• Richard Collier shot in Jacksonville
• Jerome McDougle shot in Miami
• Sean Taylor shot in Miami
• Brandon Deaderick shot in Tuscaloosa
• Bennett Robbins shot in Miami
• Fred Lane shot in North Carolina
• Steve Foley shot in San Diego
• Bryan Pata shot in Miami
• Ivan Orsen Ceasar Jr. shot in Orlando
• Plaxico Burress (shot himself) in New York
• Demetrius DuBose shot in San Diego

10
Serena Williams Gets Creative with a Tennis Ball

• I swear to God Ill fucking take this ball and
  shove it down your fucking throat! Do you hear
  me? I swear to God. You better be gladyou better
  be fucking glad that Im not, I swear. The
  Winston Chronicles interviewed Wimbledon Bad Boy
  John McEnroe and he told us that Ms. Williams had
  far surpassed his worst tantrums. Sure I dropped
  the F-bomb here and there but never stooped to
  body cavity insertion threats. Now we did some
  research on the matter to see if she could make
  good on her threats, and it turns out that a
  tennis ball is 6.7 cm in diameter, which would be
  roughly the size of say, a tennis ball. The human
  throat is about 2 to 2.5 cm in diameter, so sorry
  Serena its just not going to work. Now a ping
  pong ball is about .4 cm so Serena should have
  probably started to threaten the line judge with
  shoving a ping-pong ball down her throat and see
  how that goes. Eventually she might be able to
  work her way up to a handball.

Allegedly Serenas foot stepped over the foul
line ever so slightly and the line judge called
her on it which cost her the match. Serena then
proceeded to step way over the line and threaten
the line judge with upper esophageal asphyxia.
Serena also threw her racket and consequently
isnt allowed within 100 feet of any Sports
Authority store until she has completed 6 weeks
of anger management classes.