Taming your Inner Toddler

1
Taming your Inner Toddler

• Josef Gorny
• ANU Counselling Centre

2
Problematic Characteristics of Toddlers

• Low control
• Impulses
• Frustration
• Behaviour
• (Separation) anxiety
• Short Attention span
• Tunnel vision
• Energy levels

• Non-rational
• Black and white
• Over-generalize
• Triggered through associations
• Confuse needs and wants
• Heavily influenced by mood.

3
Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh! This sounds like me NOW
especially when Im under stress!
4
The Emotional Brain
5
What is the Emotional Brain interested in?

• Safety and survival
• Belonging
• Control over environment
• Food
• Comfort (pleasure/pain)

6
The Emotional Brain affects

• Mood
• Body responses
• Attention, concentration
• Motivation
• Decision making

7
Under stress it will

• Flight/Fight/Freeze
• Become tunnel visioned
• Shut down the left (logical) side of the brain.
• Revert to learned patterns of behaviour
• Get stressed by its own symptoms of stress!
• Seek soothing

8
The Emotional Brain is influenced by

• Sensory Input internal/external
• Associations (not logic)
• Established patterns and other somatic memories
• The environment incl. other people

9
Natures Design Flaw

• We have evolved a thinking brain, thats good at
  rational, analytical, planning, organizing
  processes.
• At the same time, the original brain, the
  sensing, emotional, body moving, primitive
  brain is still in place!
• We have TWO operating systems!

10
What do the experts say?

• Christopher Green Toddler Taming
• Jo Frost, Supernanny
• Bill OHanlon Just Try and Make Me!
• Jean Isley-Clarke Growing Up Again

11
Love and Structure

• Unloving and Hard Brick wall
• Unloving and Soft Indifferent
• Loving and Soft Marshmellowing
• Loving and Firm Backbone

12
Praise and Rewards

• Encourage your toddler with self-talk
• Realistic
• Respectful
• Reinforcing
• Validating
• Attention as reward be mindful of your
  toddlers process, use logs/graphs
• Notice whats right
• Anticipation as mood elevator

13
Structures and Routines

• Good time management
• Use the automatic pilot (less serotonin use)
• Low stress environment (less cortisol)
• Cues for positive behaviour
• Avoid triggers for negative behaviour (toddler
  proofing your environment)

14
Boundaries

• Behavioural boundaries
• Mental boundaries
• Be specific
• Its not an option give your toddler other
  choices
• Right balance between freedom and restraint.
  Restraint gives freedom.

15
(Fore) Warnings

• Let your inner toddler know whats coming up
  be a good planner
• Give your inner toddler a second chance by
  noticing what works and what doesnt work tap
  into your toddlers curiosity

16
Explanations

• Toddlers keep asking why? Have an engaging
  explanatory style that is
• Realistic, non-catastrophizing
• Not black/white
• Non-judgemental
• Distinguishes Needs and Preferences
• Not over-generalising

17
Tell Stories

• Toddlers love stories. Have a clear, emotionally
  compelling narrative about
• Your values, priorities, dreams
• Your identity
• Your strengths and resources
• Whats acceptable and whats not
• What works and what doesnt

18
Discipline

• Be fair and firm with your inner toddler
• Use a low, authoritative voice be convincing
• Use consequences to sculpt behaviour
• Natural and unnatural consequences
• Make amends
• Agreements with your toddler
• Make the consequences certain
• Use the Naughty Mat or Thinking Centre one
  minute for each year of age!

19
Responsibility (and Agency)

• Hold your toddler accountable and responsible for
  what they have direct agency over (which does not
  include fears, sleep, preferences).
• Increase their agency by practice, rehearsals
  (actual and mental)

20
(Self) Restraint

• Dont over-react you dont need to be judging,
  invalidating, punitive with your inner toddler
• Do be curious - and lovingly firm about what your
  toddler thinks and what they want to do.

21
Soothing

• Validating and re-focussing
• Calming through the senses, body
• Stick to routines and structures
• Back to Basics do well again before you try
  great.
• Acceptance and encouragement

22
Play

• Stimulate and engage with your inner toddler by
  doing what you enjoy
• Tap into the wonder
• Learn to share and play with others in a
  cooperative way, resolving conflict as needed.
• De-stress through regular play
• Rehearse better patterns

23
Consistency the Holy Grail

• Consistence and persistence
• Remind yourself of the benefits
• Prime your friends and family to remind you
• Flexibility not avoidance

24
(No Transcript)