Communicating Compassionately In Health Education Settings

1
Communicating CompassionatelyIn Health Education
Settings
Presented by Richard Cain, PhD and Joe
Brummer Based on the Process of Nonviolent
Communication (aka Compassionate Communication)
Developed by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD.
2
What is Nonviolent Communication?

• Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is sometimes
  referred to as compassionate communication. Its
  purpose is to strengthen our ability to inspire
  compassion from others and to respond
  compassionately to others and to ourselves. NVC
  guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and
  hear others by focusing our consciousness on what
  we are observing, feeling, needing, and
  requesting.

3
(No Transcript)
4
The Four Ds of Disconnection

• Diagnosing Telling people what they are
  rather than what we need to make life more
  wonderful.
• Moralistic judgments, making comparisons,
  analysis, criticisms
• Deserve Language Who is right, wrong, good, bad
  and who deserves to be rewarded or punished.
• Denying Choice/Responsibility blaming others for
  our feelings, obscuring choice by saying, I had
  to or You have to inducing guilt and/or
  shame.
• Demanding threatening, bribing, bullying
  inducing fear of punishment or promise of
  reward.

5
The Dichotomy of Giraffe and Jackal
6
Exercise A
Think of someone who does something that makes
life less than wonderful for you. Write down
what that person does.
7
Observations vs. Evaluations
8
Observation or Evaluation?

• You goals are unreasonable because you want to
  lose too much weight, too quickly
• Yesterday, Nancy bit her fingernails while
  taking her exam
• John seemed embarrassed when I mention
  sexuality
• This is the third day I have seen you eat a
  candy bar for lunch
• My son often doesnt brush his teeth
• Luke told me I smoke too much

9
Thoughts vs. Feelings

• Feelings describe emotions that happen within our
  bodies
• A feeling sentence typically has 3 words
• I feel __________.

10
Thoughts vs. Feelings

• Thoughts take more words to express
• They usually include words such as you, that,
  or like
• Just because the sentence has the word feel in
  it does not mean it is a feeling!
• In general, feelings are not being expressed when
  the word feel is followed by
• Words such as that, like, as if
• The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it
• Names or nouns referring to people

11
Pseudo-feelings They express interpretation,
diagnosis, evaluation, criticism, judgment, or
blame. Not likely to result in the person you are
communicating with to open up and connect with
their needs. Likely to create feelings of
separation or alienation.
abandoned abused attacked betrayed boxed-in bullie
d cheated coerced co-opted cornered
diminished disrespected discounted distrusted igno
red interrupted intimidated let down manipulated
misunderstood neglected overworked patronized
pressured provoked rejected taken for
granted threatened unappreciated unheard unseen un
supported unwanted violated victimized
12
Exercise B
Imagine you are talking directly to the person
and express to them how you feel when the person
acts in the way described above. Use this
form When you do this insert observation from
exercise A I feel ...
13
Expressing thoughts or feelings?

• I feel you dont trust me
• I am sad that you are leaving
• I feel that you should eat more vegetables
• When you dont greet me, I feel neglected
• I feel scared when you say that
• Im happy that you quit smoking
• I feel Sally isnt taking her medication
• I feel good about your nutrition

14
Taking Responsibility for our Feelings
What other people do or say may be the stimulus
for our feelings and never the cause....
15
The Four Ears
16
Needs vs. Strategies
17
Classifying some of our needs
18
Exercise C
Imagine you are talking directly to the person
and express your reasons for feeling like you do
in this form When you do what you do as
described above, I feel as I expressed because I
need...
19
Requests vs. Demands

• Two Questions
• What is it we want the person to do?
• What is the reason we want for them to do it?
• Shame, guilt, fear of punishment, promise of
  rewards vs. enrichment of life, meeting needs,
  giving from the heart

20
Demands

• Any pinch of displeasure indicates that degree of
  demand energy, that you are attached to a
  specific result.
• An expectation of a positive response can
  generate disappointment.
• Demands give people two choices, SUBMIT or REBEL.
• We ALL pay when people do things to meet a
  demand. (The reason to do it..fear, guilt,
  shame, praise, rewards)

21
Requests

• Ask for what will meet your needs
• State the request in do-able terms that are time
  limited and achievable
• Use Positive Action Language
• Can be met in a variety of ways (negotiable)

22
Types of Requests

• Action Requests
• What we want now in the moment
• Connection Requests
• What comes alive for others when they hear what
  is alive in us? What did they hear?

23
Exercise D
In relation to what the other person did and your
feelings and needs in relation to the action
imagine you are speaking directly to the person
and express a request using this form In
relation to what you did and my feelings and
needs in relation to what you did, I would like
you to...
24
Expressing Requests?

• I want you to understand me
• Id like you to tell me one thing that I did
  that you appreciate
• I would like you to show up on-time
• I would like you to drive at or below the speed
  limit
• I would like you to be honest with me about your
  alcohol use

25
Saying it with NVC
26
What is Empathy?

• Understanding anothers feelings
• The capacity to stay with the feelings of another
• An attitude of acceptance for the feelings of
  another - without approval or disapproval

27
Empathy vs. Sympathy
28
Communication That Cuts Off The Connection
29
Listening in NVC!

• Full Presence
• The goal is connection
• Listen to the needs and feelings not the words
  being said
• Stop worrying about saying the right thing

30
Paraphrasing in NVC

• Questions about

• Examples

• What others are observing
• How others are feeling and the needs generating
  their feelings
• What others are requesting

• Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone
  last week?
• Are you feeling hurt because you would have
  liked more appreciation of your efforts than you
  received?
• Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for
  saying what I did?

31
Expressing/Receiving Gratitude