Discipline for Children

1
Discipline for Children

• Proverbs 2313,14 -- "Don't fail to correct your
  children. They won't die if you spank them.
  Physical discipline may well save them from
  death."

2
Goals of Parenting

• To bring your children to salvation
• Whatever you do, do all to the glory of God
• (1 Corinthians 1031)
• Raise your children to the glory of God, not the
  glory of man
• Getting to the heart of your children
• To develop a morally responsible and biblically
  responsive adult
• Do not exasperate your children And, fathers do
  not provoke your children to anger but bring
  them up in the discipline and instruction of the
  Lord. (Ephesians 64)

3
Gods Direction to Parents
And, fathers do not provoke your children to
anger but bring them up in the Discipline and
instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 64)

• The Essence of Gods Directions In Ephesians
  64, we have the key phrase, bring them up
  (ektrepho).
• This term means to rear, bring to maturity,
  provide, support.
• Tenderly caring for the child by providing what
  the child needs to grow to maturity.
• What children need are discipline and
  instruction.
• The Bible doesnt teach that the child is neutral
  . . . that any aspect of his desire to please
  himself/herself or rule himself/herself is
  morally neutral. He is sinful (Romans 310-18).
• It takes work, for the parent to, Bring them
  up.
• There is no place in Christian thinking for a
  passive parent. A passive parent lacks wisdom,
  fails to study Gods Word, and fails to pray as
  instructed (Proverbs 11-7, James 15).

4
A very important point to remember

• Discipline is not only for the purpose of shaping
  a childs behavior.
• It is also a means by which a parent points a
  child to his/her need for Christ.
• When a child fails to live up to the standards he
  is taught, it is an opportunity to explain
  his/her need for a Savior.

5
What You can do Daily

• Honor the Lord in the Family
• Getting to the Heart of Your Child
• Understand Your Child has a Sinful Heart
• Correct them to Satisfy God
• Teach Your Children Diligently (Deut. 64-9)
• Recognize the True and Living God
• Teach them to Love God
• Teach them to Obey God
• Teach them to Follow Your Godly Example
• Remind them to be Wary of the World Around them
• Lead Your Child to God
• Teach Your Child What is Right
• The Word of God
• Your Example
• The Importance of Conscience
• Enforcing Proper Behavior
• Punishment
• Rewarding
• Chastening

6
The Heart Diagram
Behavior
Mark 720-23
Matthew 1234
Outer Man
Mark 7 20 He said, "What comes out of a man, that
defiles a man. 21 For from within, out of the
heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries,
fornications, murders, 22 thefts, covetousness,
wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye,
blasphemy, pride, foolishness. 23 All these evil
things come from within and defile a man."
Matthews 1234 Brood of vipers! How can you,
being evil, speak good things? For out of the
abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Inner Man
Will
?
Affections (Desires)
Emotions
Hebrews 412 For the word of God is living and
powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword,
piercing even to the division of soul and spirit,
and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of
the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Jeremiah 179 The heart is deceitful above all
things, And desperately wicked Who can know it?
Conscience Thoughts Intentions
Genesis 65 Then the Lord saw that the wickedness
of man was great in the earth, and that every
intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil
continually.
Mission Control Center Gen. 65, Jer. 179, Heb.
412
7
DISCIPLINE
(Nurture) Training Correction
P
U
M
E
H
T
G
N
I
R
B
INSTRUCTION
(Admonition) Building Inner Convictions Through
Teaching
20 Years
Birth
5 Years
10 Years
15 Years
8
The Parent As Teacher

• Recognize that a child lacks understanding and
  needs to be taught. Solomon makes this clear as
  he states in Proverbs 12-4.
• Realize that children learn incrementally.
  Isaiah 2810 says, For He says, Order on order,
  order on order, line on line, line on line here,
  a little there.
• Require that children exercise self-control when
  you are teaching. Children must exercise
  self-control in regard to these areas
• Movements (e.g. sitting still)
• Mouths (e.g. being quiet and using appropriate
  language in their responses to other, James 32)
• Minds (e.g. paying careful attention to
  instructions, tasks, and others, Proverbs 1815)

9
How do Parents Teach?

• Through example. The testimony of your life
  (Philippians 121 Colossians 33).
• Modeling
• Parents act and the child watches
• Parents act and the child helps
• The child acts and parents help
• The children act and parents watch or are not
  present, and then follow up (like Paul in
  Philippians 212)
• In Life Situations.
• In times of crisis such as trials, times of
  sorrow, failures, illness, and school problems.
• When considering options and decisions.
• Difficulty with friends.
• Parents work situations, such as unemployment.
• Current events.
• By questions and answers. Learn to ask
  thought-provoking questions of your children and
  carefully evaluate their responses.
• Formal teaching times. This includes such
  activities as family devotions and family
  worship reading a book together, etc.

10
Helping Our Children Keep the 5th Commandment

• Say "please" and "thank you" often. Avoid
  interrupting childrens conversations and
  activities without warning. When interruption is
  necessary, say "Excuse me".
• Use a respectful tone when speaking to your
  children and expect the same in return. When you
  experience disrespect, you might reply, "Im
  sorry, but I cant hear you when you speak to me
  in that tone of voice." Respond to requests only
  when they are offered in a respectful manner.
• Listen to your children carefully when they talk
  about their thoughts and feelings. Give them
  opportunities to share their opinions.
• Set and enforce reasonable limits. Make sure the
  expectations you have set for your children are
  realistic for their age and developmental level.
  Devise consequences that teach rather than
  punish.
• Honor your father and your mother. One of the
  most difficult challenges of parenthood is
  establishing a more adult relationship with our
  own parents. While this is not always easy, the
  benefits for every generation involved are
  tremendous. Remember, your children are watching
  and learning.

11
Seven Bad Attitudes that Scripture Tells us to
Avoid

• 1. WHINING -
• "Do all that you do cheerfully as unto the Lord
  and not unto men" Colossians 323.
• If your child says, "I want..." and whines, then
  address the attitude. Assuming that you have
  clearly communicated that whining is a bad
  attitude, then correct it the first time you see
  it. Your child should learn to say, "May I
  please..." with a cheerful face, not a whine.
  Whiners are not appreciated in the real world and
  God does not appreciate them either (1
  Corinthians 1010).
• 2. SOUR FACE -
• "I will leave off my sad countenance and be
  cheerful." Job 927
• The Lord said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? Why
  is your face downcast?' " Genesis 46
• A sour, pouty face is a window into a child's
  soul. It reveals a bad attitude that hampers the
  child's spiritual growth and development. Correct
  it for the good of the child. You will also have
  a happier home. (Of course, there is a difference
  between true sadness and a sour face. Please
  don't misuse this teaching. There is a legitimate
  expression of emotion -- such as sadness over the
  loss of a puppy or a friend moving away. Allow
  these emotions to be expressed, not suppressed.
  But there is also illegitimate manipulation by a
  sour face. This is a bad attitude that must be
  corrected.)

12
Seven Bad Attitudes that Scripture Tells us to
Avoid

• 3. JERKY BODY MOVEMENTS -
• "Better a patient man than a warrior a man who
  controls his temper than one who takes a city."
  Proverbs 1632
• Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man
  who lacks self-control." Proverbs 2528
• Examples of jerky body movements would be
  stomping, flailing of arms, or a child yanking
  their hand away.
• 4. DISRESPECTFUL TONE OF VOICE -
• "Honor your father and mother." Exodus 2012
• "Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect
  for the elderly and revere your God. I am the
  Lord." Leviticus 1932
• "Honor one another above yourselves." Romans
  1210
• Honor is a tremendously important quality to
  have in your home. Don't allow a disrespectful
  tone of voice to prevail. When you hear a
  disrespectful tone of voice, deal with it
  immediate "Carolyn, you are not speaking
  respectfully to daddy. Come with me. We must
  correct this bad attitude."

13
Seven Bad Attitudes that Scripture Tells us to
Avoid

• 5. SELFISHNESS -
• "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain
  conceit, but in humility consider others better
  than yourselves. Each of you should look not only
  to your own interests, but also to the interests
  of others." Philippians 23,4
• This attitude may be revealed in the refusal to
  share, the taking of the bigger piece of pie, and
  the unwillingness to be generous with
  possessions.
• 6. GRUMBLING COMPLAINING -
• "Do everything without complaining or arguing."
  Philippians 214
• This is such an important attitude to deal with
  and yet we often let it slide in both our
  children and ourselves. Complaining kept the
  children of Israel from experiencing the promise
  of God (1 Corinthians 1010). Develop a thankful
  spirit!

14
Seven Bad Attitudes that Scripture Tells us to
Avoid

• 7. RESISTANCE TO SEEKING FORGIVENESS -
• "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive
  ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we
  confess our sins, He is faithful and just and
  will forgive us our sins and purify us from all
  unrighteousness." 1 John 18-9
• "Therefore confess your sins to each other and
  pray for each other so that you may be healed."
  James 516
• Our child's unwillingness to seek forgiveness is
  an attitude that will carry over into their
  relationships with others and with God. Inquire
  for the reason why your child is resistant to
  seeking forgiveness. Correct the attitude before
  it hardens the heart. Parents, you must model
  this attitude in your family and your own walk
  with your Father!

15
Suggestions When Using the Rod

• Was the offense rebellious? Defiant?
• Were clear directions given and obeyed without
  challenge?
• Was stubbornness demonstrated with pouting,
  grumbling, or sulking? Was the child saying,
  no, with his body language? Ask proper
  questions to determine what they intended to
  convey with their body language (Proverbs 1813).
  Be careful not to confuse momentary
  disappointment or sorrow with defiance.
• Was a disrespectful or dishonoring comment made?
• Was there a contrary spirit in general?
• Was lying involved?

16
Suggestions When Using the Rod

• Require the child to acknowledge his guilt and
  accept responsibility for his foolish choice
• Ask him what choice he should have made.
• Ask him if what he did was right or wrong in
  Gods eyes.
• Call him to repentance and pray that God would
  bring true repentance to pass. He needs to
  understand he has offended God.

17
Suggestions When Using the Rod

• Administer chastisement calmly and thoroughly.
• Dont spank in a way that would injure the child.
  Corporal punishment should be moderate,
  reasonable, and age appropriate.
• The discipline needs to be enough to cause
  reflection and sorrow that may bring change.
• Spank the proper area so safety is maintained.
• Remember, the goal is not punishment, but
  correction so that he will repent, not repeat the
  offense (2 Peter 222 Proverbs 2611).

18
Suggestions When Using the Rod

• Follow the chastisement with instruction,
  teaching, training and prayer (2 Timothy 316-17)
• Discuss what to do next time a similar situation
  occurs. What would he have done instead, and
  why?
• Remind your child that you desire to come along
  side and help him.
• This can be a special time of comfort and prayer,
  asking God to work in his heart.
• Instruct him to sincerely ask God and other
  appropriate people for forgiveness, and to affirm
  an offended brother or sister with affection,
  making an effort to restore the relationship
  (Luke 1124-26 Eph. 422-24).

19
Suggestions When Using the Rod

• All that you do should be a demonstration of
  agape love
• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh
  word stirs up strife. (Proverbs 151)
• The anger of man will not accomplish Gods
  purposes. (James 120)
• Use words that help resolve and clarify the
  problem, avoiding words and tones that attack the
  person (Ephesians 429).
• Do not mention the offense again, so as to use it
  against the child. If you must mention past
  offenses do so for their good (e.g., to help them
  deal with a sinful pattern).
• Look for an opportunity to encourage your child
  now that the issue is resolved.

20
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• SPANKING
• Why should we spank? The Bible says Folly is
  bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of
  discipline will drive it far from him. Proverbs
  2215.
• What does the rod of correction do for the child?
  The rod of correction imparts wisdom... Proverbs
  2915.
• Can't I avoid spanking? He who spares the rod
  hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to
  discipline him. Proverbs 1324.
• Won't spanking seriously harm my child? Do not
  withhold discipline from a child if you punish
  him with the rod, he will not die. Proverbs
  2313. (Note in each verse, the word rod in
  Hebrew means "stick or branch from a tree.")
• When should it be done? For acts of willful
  disobedience. Not for "mistakes" or for typical
  childlike behavior.
• How is spanking to be done?
• Make it an "event".
• Never spank in anger or to vent your frustration
  or for retribution (pay back).

21
Follow a procedure reflecting God's pattern of
discipline and restoration

• Take your child to a private place.
• Have him tell you specifically what he has done
  or failed to do. If he cannot, then you tell him
  and secure an acknowledgment from the child of
  what he has done.
• Confess your own sins, weaknesses, or infirmities
  in this area. Deal with him as a fellow sinner.
• Tell the child how many swats he will receive.
  (This is an important signal that you are in
  control of yourself.)
• Lay your child across your lap and spank on the
  buttocks.
• After you have spanked, take the child on your
  lap and hug him, telling him how much you care
  about him, how much it grieves you to spank him,
  and how you hope that it will not be necessary
  again.
• Have the child pray and ask God's forgiveness for
  disobeying. Also ask God for a change of heart to
  be different next time.
• Remind them that God forgives them and loves them
  (1 John 19).
• If necessary, have the child ask forgiveness of
  the offended party (sister, brother, etc.)
• For further reading on spanking see the book.

Dare to Discipline by James Dobson
22
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• TIME OUT - Time-out can be effective when you
  stick to the following procedure
• Select one target behavior on which to use
  time-out.
• Pick out a boring place for time-out.
• Explain time-out to your child.
• Wait patiently for the target behavior to occur.
• TARGET BEHAVIOR OCCURS!
• Place your child in the time-out place and use no
  more than 10 words and 10 seconds to get them
  there.
• Get the portable timer, set the timer for the
  same number of minutes as the age of your child.
  Place it within hearing distance of your child.
• Wait for the timer to ring--remove all attention
  from the child while she waits for the timer to
  ring.
• Ask your child, after the timer rings, why she
  was sent to time-out.

23
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• LOSS OF PRIVILEGES - This could include the
  removal of television, loss of use of toys,
  dessert, removal from family members, or removal
  from friends.In God's dealings with His people,
  God often used loss of privileges as a motivator
  to obedience. There are many examples of this in
  the history of Israel. One example is found in
  Haggai's prophecy (Haggai 15-11). Loss of
  privileges and blessing is meant to get the Jews
  attention and it did!

24
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• Logical Consequences - Logical consequences are
  situations engineered by us, the parent, which
  are logically connected to the wrong. In order
  for the consequence to be logical, it must
  somehow "fit" the offense. For example, if a
  child did not finish his dinner and as a parent
  you decide to impose the discipline of not being
  able to play with toys, this would be a take
  away, but not a logical consequence. Toys are not
  logically connected to dinner. However, if the
  discipline was that the child could not have
  dessert, then this becomes a logical consequence.
  Not finishing dinner is logically connected to
  not getting dessert.
• When using logical consequences you should choose
  consequences directly related to the unacceptable
  behavior. For example, if your child skips a
  chore have her do an extra chore don't take away
  TV. If she leaves a mess, have her clean two
  rooms don't ground her for a week.

25
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• The real world is made up of logical
  consequences If you fail to show up at work, you
  don't receive a paycheck. If you don't pay for
  your license you receive a fine. If you borrow
  tools from your neighbor and don't care for them,
  he won't loan you anything else.
• This is why this tool is so powerful it's just
  like the way the real world works. Here are two
  Biblical examples of correction by logical
  consequences
• Exodus 221,4-9 -- If a thief is caught stealing,
  he must pay back what he stole plus at least 100
  more.
• In 2 Thessalonians 310, Paul gave this logical
  consequence Let him who will not work, not eat.

26
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• Allow Natural Consequences - Natural consequences
  are those things that happen in response to your
  child's behavior without parental involvement.
  You do not actually deliver a natural consequence
  yourself. Natural consequences are situations
  imposed by God, by society, by another person, or
  brought about by the universal law of sowing
  reaping.
• Biblical examples of correction by natural
  consequences
• Hebrews 125-11 - God Himself disciplines our
  children. Parent, allow God's discipline and
  don't get in the way.
• Romans 131-4 - Government is God's minister to
  punish the wrongdoer. Allow the sword of
  government to fall upon your children and don't
  get in the way.
• Galatians 67-8 - God has established in the
  universe the principle that we shall reap what we
  sow. Many parents shelter their children from the
  effects of their sowing. Allow reaping (natural
  consequences) in the life of your child.

27
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• Family examples of natural consequences
• Your child gets an allowance and chooses to spend
  it all. Now she wants a loan (or a gift). Say,
  "No. Welcome to the real world of financial
  management."
• Katie has money burning a hole in her pocket. She
  wants to buy a toy. You point out how fragile the
  toy is, but you allow Katie to make her own
  decision. On the way to the car, the toy drops
  and breaks. What do you do?Absolutely nothing!
  Don't give her more money. Don't lecture. Don't
  buy her something else. Allow her to learn from
  reality.
• Your child has a run in with law enforcement.
  Stand by them. Be supportive, but don't protect
  them from non-life threatening consequences of
  civil authority.
• John stays up late and is late for school He
  feels tired the next day, the teacher is angry,
  and makes him stay after school.
• Stop reminding and coaxing your children. Let
  your children know that you are going to tell
  them things only once. Let them suffer the
  consequences of forgetting. You will not nag or
  repeat things over and over.
• Mike leaves toys out in the rain. The toys rust
  or are stolen.

28
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• Positive Reinforcement - Our Father reinforces
  and rewards good behavior. Here are just a few of
  the Scriptures that talk about God rewarding His
  children
• The LORD has dealt with me according to my
  righteousness according to the cleanness of my
  hands he has rewarded me. Psalm 1820.
• He who scorns instruction will pay for it, but he
  who respects a command is rewarded. Proverbs
  1313.
• Do your giving in secret. Then your Father, who
  sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
  Matthew 64. (Likewise prayer and fasting is
  rewarded by God -- Matthew 66,18.)
• For the Son of Man is going to come in his
  Fathers glory with his angels, and then he will
  reward each person according to what he has done.
  Matthew 1627.
• Here are some parental actions which reinforce
  good behavior
• Tangible Rewards Compensation, extra
  privileges, higher positions of responsibility,
  material gifts, special times with parents or
  friends.
• Praise "You are awesome. "Your performance
  brought joy to everyone's heart. That was very
  helpful. I'll bet God smiled when he saw your
  kindness. "Well done, good and faithful child!"
  Hugs and (Appropriate) Touches of Affection.
  Thumbs-up Signs, Smiles, and a Beaming Parental
  Face

29
Tools for Correcting Your Child

• Ignore the Behavior (Extinction) - Do not answer
  a fool according to his folly, or you will be
  like him yourself. Proverbs 264.
• Extinction simply means ignoring the behavior.
  There are certain behaviors that our children
  pick up, because they receive attention from that
  behavior -- even if the attention they receive is
  negative. Use this tool for red herring,
  manipulative, or attention getting behaviors,
  such as debating, whining, or tantrums.

Discipline your son, and he will give you peace
he will bring delight to your soul. Prov. 2917.
30
Discipline
Prov. 1324 He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him disciplines how diligently.
If you do not discipline your children the world
will do it for you, often with harsh and
devastating consequences