Presented by- Aimee Goodson Herbert

1
Love and Logic Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.

• Presented by- Aimee Goodson Herbert
• Counselor
• Kay Granger Elementary

www.loveandlogic.com
2

• There will never be enough rewards or
  consequences to get tough kids to want to behave
  and learn if we are not first developing
  relationships.
• -Charles Fay

3
Philosophy of Love and Logic

• Choice and freedom to make mistakes.
• Adult demonstrates empathy and compassion.
• Child takes responsibility of his/her actions.
• Child learns from the consequences of his/her
  mistake.

4

• Be involved in your kids education.
• (We want you to hover them and punish them for
  bad grades.)

5

• We would like you to provide a warm, loving,
  supportive home for your child to go home to. One
  where they have feel a sense of purpose and
  belonging through jobs, roles, and
  responsibilities they fulfill in the family.

6
Parenting Styles

• Helicopter

• Drill Sergeant

• Consultant

7
Helicopter

• As child sends the SOS flare, helicopter parents
  are ready and hovering nearby to swoop in and
  shield them from teachers, playmates, and peers.
• Message sent-
• You cant help yourself. I have to do it for
  you.

8
Why is this not good?

• UNEQUIPPED for life
• Learning opportunities STOLE from them.
• In order to grow children must learnfrom their
  mistakes
• The REAL WORLD does not run on the bail-out
  principal.

9
Drill Sergeant

• Commands
• Message Sent-
• You cant think. I have to think for you.

10
Why is this not good?Children

• Become DEPENDENT on theirparents for the answers
• Fall into PEER PRESSURE more easily because they
  are used tobeing told what to do
• Do not learn how to make decisions- opportunity
  to make mistakes and see natural consequences
  arise is robbed from them.
• Become followers as they have been taught

11
Laissez-faire parents

• Decide that childrenshould raise themselves
• Believe that they should betheir childs friend
• Feel guilty and allow them to run free

12
Why is this not good?

• Children need rules andconsequences to learn
  from
• Children are not adultsand can not self-regulate
• Parents are parents, not friends

13
Consultant

• Shares alternatives
• Message sent-
• You are capable and can make wise decisions.
  You are responsible.

14
Consultant

• Modeling
• Focus is relationship instead of task achievement
  
• Ask questions
• Stay Calm
• Choices and natural consequences.

15
Love and Logic

• Love allows kids to grow through their
  mistakes.
• Logic allows them to live with the consequences
  of their choices.

16
Responsibility cannot be taught, it must be
caught. - Jim and Charles Fay
17
I am sure you will remember on your own, but if
you dont, youll sure learn from the
experience.
18
Misbehaving

• Results from the child taking the only choice
  available to them in order to gain some control.
• Can lead to power struggles.
• Can be eliminated or maintained through choices.

19
Misbehavior Cycle
20
5 Questions Is Love and Logic for you?

• Think of all the things you have tried in the
  past.
• Think of all the things the teachers have tried
  in the past.
• Are any of these showing long-term results?
• Can you think of anything else that makes sense
  that we could try?

21
5

• If everything else that makes sense has already
  been tried, maybe its time to try something that
  doesnt appear to make sense.

22
Guide Child to Solve the Problem5 Steps

• Show Empathy- You must feel sad.
• Send Power Message- What will you do about it?
• Offer Choices- Would you like to hear what your
  sister tried?
• Have child State Consequences- How will that
  work?
• Allow child to Solve the Problem

23
Power Struggle?Neutralize it! Go Brain Dead!

• You dont love me anymore
• I love you too much to argue
• It is not fair
• Maybe so
• You love her more than me
• Mmmm
• You dont care
• I know
• Dad wouldnt do that
• Maybe so
• I am going to run away!
• I will love you wherever you live.

24
Empathy

• Adults must demonstrate a sincere and empathetic
  response to childs misbehavior.
• One-liners
• This must really hurt.
• This is so sad.
• That is really hard
• I am sorry you feel that way.
• I feel bad for you.
• Bummer
• It must be hard to feel so frustrated.
• I will love you wherever you live.
• I love you too much to argue.
• I argue between 5-530 am.

25
Let empathy and consequencesdo the teaching

• NOT sarcastic or condescending
• Keep it short, sweet and repetitive.
• Express your empathy beforeyour anger or a
  consequence
• Delaying your consequencegives you time to think
• Use less words.lectures dont work

26
Power Messages

• What are you going to do about it?
• Have you come up with anything so far?
• I am here to help. Just let me know what you
  decide to do about it.

27
Choices

• Give choices
• If child does not choose, be prepared to choose
  yourself
• Be sure to pick choices you can live with
• Allow the child to live with the consequences

• Children must control the problem. If they
  dont, you could
• Steal kids opportunities to learn
• Become overwhelmed with raising kids
• Have frequent arguments with your children - Ex
  dinner time

28
Ownership of the Problem

• Whos problem is it?
• Am I upset because hes upset?
• What happens to me personally?
• Am I twisting the problem to make it mine?

29
How to determine when it is not our problem

• What is going to happen to me if that problem
  doesnt get solved?
• If your answer is nothing, then it is the
  childs problem.

Allowing children to own the problem allows for
them to find ways to solve their problem.
30

• In todays world, we dont want our kids to feel
  struggle. Why? ALLOW kids to struggle. Dont
  steal that gift. Help them cope with challenges
  where they have to learn.
• -Charles Fay

31
Choices- Phrasing

• Would you rather ______or______?

• What would be best for you
  ______or______?

• Feel free to________ or ________.

• You can either ______or_______.

32
Opportunity for Thinking and Decision-Making

• Fighting Words
• Get to work now!
• Thinking Words
• Feel free to go out as soon as you have cleaned
  your room.

OPTIONS HELP REMOVE POWER STRUGGLES
33
Lectures dont work kids dont learn through
lectures. -Charles Fay
34
We would rather they THINK than FIGHT. -Jim
and Charles Fay
35
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Garbage Training you to ignore my words
  through nagging and lectures. Fighting invites
  disobedience.
• Gold Teaching to you listen to my words. Get
  them THINKING!
• Describe what you are going to do or allow
  instead of telling THEM what to do.

36
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Garbage YOU WILL
• Gold I WILL
• This is how I am going to do things. You might
  want to pay attention.

37

• Times can be real tough and you have the
  opportunity to learn from them. If anyone can
  cope with them, I bet you can.

38
Kids learn better from what they tell
THEMSELVES. -Jim and Charles Fay
39
GOLD
Garbage
or

• You are not going to talk to me that way!
• I will be glad to discuss this with you as soon
  as the arguing stops.

40
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?
• If I have told you once, I have told you a
  thousand times! Get that coat on!

41
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Told you not to spend all your money on toys
  that just break!
• Ooooh, you are out of money? Dont worry,
  allowances come on Saturday.

42
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Get your clothes on
• Time to get your clothes on!
• How many times do I have
• to tell you to get your clothes
• on! We are going to be late!
• Feel free to put your clothes on in the privacy
  of your room or in the car on the way to school.

43
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Would you rather play nicely in the living room
  or noisy in your room?
• SSSHHH! Be quiet kids or you will go to your
  room! Adam is about to sing!

44
GOLD
Garbage
or

• You can either wash your clothes or spend your
  allowance to have the cleaners do it.
• I am NOT picking your clothes.

45
GOLD
Garbage
or

• You need to start respecting me.
• I will be happy to do nice things for you as
  soon as I feel respected and helped.

46
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Dinner is served until 7pm.
• Come to dinner. Hurry up! Get in here.
• Feel free to enjoy your next meal with the
  family as soon as the yard is mowed.

47
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Dont you dare raise your voice at me.
• I will listen to your voice when it is calm like
  mine.

48
GOLD
Garbage
or

• You get to keep the toys that are picked up.
• Pick up your toys, now.
• Yes, you may watch T.V. when your toys are
  picked up.
• Love you too much to argue.
• So, what did I say?

49
GOLD
Garbage
or

• Charles Fay believes that the fastest way to put
  a teenager in danger is to let them drive for
  free.
• Hope you can drive one day. In this family, the
  only people who can afford it get to drive.

50
Follow Through

• Now, you have to keep your word.
• It might be difficult.
• Do NOT show your disappointment or anger at their
  poor decision-making.
• Remember, the consequence should speak for itself.

51
Dream World

• Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot more secure now that I
  know you mean what you say. I appreciate your
  loving me enough to set limits.

52
Let Consequences and Empathy do the Teaching

• Consequences allow
• Child to be involved in the decision
• Child to hurt from the inside out
• Child to develop a new plan of reacting
• Parent to be friendly and helpful
• Child to see adult modeling problem-solving
  techniques
• Child to learn about real world consequences

53

• Kids need to think HARDER about their problems
  than the adults around them.
• -Charles Fay

54
Punishment vs. Consequence

• Punishments allow
• Adult to make decision
• Child is hurt from the outside in
• Child to pay for his past deed
• Adult to display anger
• Child to feel the imposition of power
• Child to learn about the imposition of power

55
Child Chooses Consequence

• What are you going to do about it?
• How do you plan to solve the problem?

56
The Teaching Value of a Consequence

• You will destroy the teaching value if you
• Say, This will teach you a lesson.
• Display anger
• Explain the value of the consequence
• Threaten
• Talk too much
• Give in!

57
Immediate Consequence

• Looks like today you decided to wait until we
  get in the car to eat your breakfast.
• Its sad that you wrecked your car. Looks like
  you wont be driving until the damage is paid
  for.
• Im sure glad youre home. Why dont you stick
  around tomorrow night so I dont have to worry
  about you.
• Looks like you have decided to do your own
  laundry this weekend. Let me know if you need me
  to show you how.
• The way you two fight is really taking some of
  my happiness away. Feel free to come out of your
  rooms when you are pleasant to be around.

58
Delayed Consequence

• When you are too angry or frustrated to use
  empathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE!
• Delayed consequences
• Child has to do more thinking about it than we
  do. Child owns the problem.
• We have time to think about an appropriate
  consequence that is reasonable.
• There is less chance of blowing up and making a
  threat that you cant back up.

59
Delayed Consequence

• Im not sure what Im going to do. Ill let you
  know after dinner.
• This is so sad. I am going to have to do
  something about this. But not now, later. Try not
  to worry about it.
• I am too angry right now. I make better
  decisions when I am calm.

60

• If a child causes a problems, it should be NO
  problem for the adult but a BIG problem for the
  child.
• -Charles Fay

61
TRAINING SESSIONSfor building responsibility

• Give the child a task he can handle
• Hope the child blows it
• Let equal parts of empathy and consequence do the
  teaching
• Give the same task again

62
STEP 1Give the child a task he can handle
63
2. Hope the child blows it?

• Teaches a real world lesson
• Helps children find new solutions
• Gives children an opportunity to fail in a safe
  environment

64
3. Let empathy and consequencesdo the talking .
. .

• Be empathetic before you share the bad news
• Empathy builds relationships
• Children must learn that mistakes hurt them -
  When the adult gets angry the message gets lost
• Children need to attend to how to make better
  choices, not to their parents anger
• Consequences allow the child to own the problem

65
4. Have them do the same task again

• Children learn from their mistakes
• Communicates to childrenthat you trust them
• Says, You are capable

66
Let them fail . . .

• Gives them a chance to learn
• Helps them to understand that every action has a
  consequence,both good and bad
• Learns the lesson of decision making early so
  that harder decisions are easier later
• Learns the skills of decision making and problem
  solving

67
Learning at a time when it is an affordable price

• Little kids.little problems
• Big kids.bigger problems

68
Mean what you say, say what you mean

• Consistency is key
• If you dont follow through your child takes on
  the lottery mentality
• If it is new, your child will test you

69
Sameness LOVE

• The message you are sending
• I love you enough to create a same and
  predictable environment.
• -Charles Fay

70
Primary focus of Love and Logic

• Is NOT to make kids behave and get good grades.
• Focus is on how to raise good PEOPLE, not people
  who LOOK GOOD. It is not about what they PRODUCE.
  

71
Primary focus of Love and Logic

• The primary focus of parenting with Love and
  Logic is to dramatically increase the odds that
  kids will make good and healthy decisions when NO
  ONE is making them do it.
• -Charles Fay

72
Assignment

• Think of a common argument that you get into with
  your child
• Write down how you usually handle this
• Write down your childs response
• Think of a new natural consequence that you can
  try

73
Love and Logic Resources

• Conferences
• Workshops
• Books
• Videos
• www.loveandlogic.com

74

• Teaching Children Responsibility
• Raise children who are self-confident, motivated,
  and ready for the real world with this win-win
  approach to parenting. Your children will win
  because theyll learn to solve their own problems
  while gaining the confidence they need to meet
  lifes challenges. And youll win because youll
  establish healthy controlwithout resorting to
  anger, threats, nagging or exhausting power
  struggles. Parenting with Love and Logic puts the
  fun back into parenting!

75

• Unless youve got the finances to set your kids
  up with a lifetime trust fund, theyre going to
  end up spending most of their adult lives
  working. Wouldnt it be a great gift if your
  children grew up to enjoy workrather than dread
  it? Bosses are desperate for employees who
  understand
• The importance of personal responsibility
• How to remain positive when the going gets tough
• That success comes from hard work and
  determinationrather than handouts

76
DVDs
77
Books
78
Prizes!

• One-liner
• Favorite heart quote or Ah-ha moment

79

• This book is filled with excellent short stories
  that provide you with easy to use techniques that
  can be put to use immediately. Covering all age
  ranges for Parents and Educators.
• Techniques for
• Avoiding Power Struggles
• Homework
• Eliminate Sibling Rivalry

80
Thank You