The Mother-in-Law Conundrum

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The Mother-in-Law Conundrum

• Leanne Braddock, M.Ed., M.A.
• Licensed Marital Family Therapist

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Why should we care about being a good
mother-in-law?

• Help support our childrens marriages

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Acceptance Respect
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How do you have a good first meeting?

• Accept the person for who he/she is
• A family member
• Treat him or her respectfully.
• Quotes

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Wedding Woes

• Carol had wanted a large wedding, but she and her
  husband had decided to elope and save the money
  for their education. Now that their son, Jason,
  is getting married, she wants to give him the
  kind of wedding she didnt have a big one. So
  Carol went ahead and consulted a wedding planner
  and reserved both the church and reception hall
  for the occasion, even paying the 300
  non-refundable deposit. When Carol told Jason,
  he said that his fiancée, Yolanda, wants a small
  intimate wedding with just family and friends.
  What should Carol do?

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The First Dancewww.thefirstdance.com

• William Doherty
• Elizabeth Doherty Thomas

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Acceptance Respect in

• Boundary Negotiation
• Communication
• Conflict Resolution

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What is a boundary?

• Something that encloses a space or fixes a
  limit
• Fix boundaries by words, time, space

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Boundaries and the Mother-in-Law
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Praise
Listen
Acceptance Respect
Communication
Criticism
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Language Lessons

• When Zoe was growing and up and asked her parents
  if she could do something, if she was told,
  Well see, it actually meant No. One day Zoe
  asked her mother-in-law Janine if she and her
  father-in-law would like to go to a cabin with
  them for the weekend. Janine, a busy lawyer,
  told Zoe, Well see. Zoe, thinking that meant,
  no, felt hurt and then angry at Janine and so
  she invited another couple to go with them. When
  Janine called Zoe a few days later and said they
  would love to spend the weekend with them, Zoe
  was surprised and she blurted out that Janine
  should have told her when she called the first
  time and not have changed her mind. That hurt
  Janines feelings. What should Janine do?

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Minefields sources of conflict

• Time demands (calling, visiting, run errands,
  where to spend the holidays)
• Household integrity
• Money
• Decision-making
• Resolving conflict
• Children/grandchildren
• Son/husband (criticism of)
• Death, divorce, remarriage

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Ask yourself

• Is this my business?
• OR
• Is this something my adult child and
  child-in-law need to resolve on their own?

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Ways NOT to handle conflict

• Avoiding it
• Bottling it up
• Putting the spouse (son or daughter) in the
  middle
• Screaming and yelling
• Cut-offs

ltThough some people dogt
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Effective Conflict Resolution

• What is the Goal?
• Listen, listen, listen
• Agree to disagree
• Apologize (at least for your part)
• Forgive
• The power of humor

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Wrap up

• MIL/CIL relationship is important
• Mother-in-laws Role Friend, Mentor, Wise
  consultant 
• Up to the MIL to model good behavior and
  effective conflict resolution skills
•  Skills required for good MIL/CIL relationships
  can be learned.
• Good MIL/CIL relationships can help strengthen
  and support young marriages
• You can change the world!

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Case Examples

• What should the
• Mother-in-Law do?

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Time Trials

• Since Normas husband died last year shes had to
  call on her son David to help her with many
  errands and financial decisions. She just sold
  her house learned she needs to move almost
  immediately and David agreed to help her. After
  all the arrangements were made, David told Norma
  that when he agreed to help her, he had forgotten
  he had also promised his wife Natalie, that hed
  watch their five children that day so that she
  could finally have a Girls Day Out with her
  friends, something she hadnt done since their
  second child was born. He said Natalie and her
  friends had already scheduled a spa and shopping
  day. What should Norma do?

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Financial Fuel

• When Nancys son and daughter-in-law visited for
  the weekend, Nancy noticed the tires on her son
  and daughter-in-laws car were bald. In fact,
  they were downright dangerous. Her son said they
  were so strapped financially they couldnt
  possibly replace the tires. Nancy discussed the
  situation with her husband and they agreed to
  offer to loan them the money to get new tires.
  But instead of offering to loan the money,
  Nancys husband went ahead and bought the tires
  (for 500). While at work that day, Nancy got a
  stinging email from her daughter-in-law telling
  her she couldnt believe she would make such a
  big decision for them and put them even farther
  in debt. The email ended with her
  daughter-in-law saying that she never appreciated
  Nancys interference in the wedding plans (2
  years earlier) either. What should Nancy do?

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Christmas Crisis

• Susans only child Mary, Marys husband Jake and
  their two small children live about two miles
  from Susan and they see one another at least once
  a week. Ever since Mary and Jake married six
  years ago, they have spent every holiday with
  Susan and her husband. Jake is from a large
  family who lives about a 7-hour drive from them.
  Susan has often made the point that since Jakes
  mother has other children but she doesnt, it
  wouldnt be fair for Mary and her family to be at
  Jakes parents house for the holidays. In
  November, Mary told Susan that Jakes mother
  would like for them to come for Christmas because
  all four of the other children and their families
  will also be there. What should Susan do?

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Generous Grandma

• Pauline is a retired executive, who travels for
  fun much of the year. She enjoys bringing gifts
  to her 8-year old twin grandsons. Her son Adam
  and his wife Lisa are always happy to have
  Pauline visit, but lately theyve been hinting
  they dont want her to bring so many gifts for
  the children because their house is over-flowing
  with the boys things. Pauline has just laughed
  it off in the past because she enjoys buying for
  the boys and so why should they mind? Pauline
  just returned from Portugal yesterday and called
  to say she would like to come over and bring some
  things for the boys. Lisa sounded almost rude
  when she handed off the phone to Adam. Now
  Pauline is wondering if they were serious about
  the gifts. What should Pauline do?