ATTRACTION

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ATTRACTION

• CHAPTER 11

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NEED TO BELONG

• DEFINED motivation to bond with others in
  relationships that provide ongoing, positive
  interactions
• Baumeister Leary (1995)
• Attachments enable group survival
• Bonds of love can lead to children, whose
  survival is boosted by the nurturing of two
  bonded parents

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NEED TO BELONG part 2

• Actual hoped-for relationships color our
  emotions preoccupy our thinking
• Exiled, imprisoned, in solitary confinement, we
  ache for others. Rejection can lead to severe
  depression
• Loss of social bonds can trigger pain,
  loneliness, or withdrawal
• Reminders of death increase our need to belong
• Baumeister (2002) we are social animals
• Silent treatment is emotional abuse
• Williams et al (2000) cyberostracism
• Being ignored in an online chat room

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Being liked

• Americans are deeply concerned
• about being liked and making a
• good impression
• High school students report
• that their 1 concern is the way
• others react to them and their
• overwhelming desire is to be liked

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CENTER STAGE / ADOLESCENT VIEW
FEAR OF REJECTION / NOT BEING JUDGED ATTRACTIVE
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CHARACTERISTICS OF ATTRACTION

• PROXIMITY functional distance
• availability
• Mere Exposure repeated exposure increases
  interest
• Emotions are often more instanious than thinking

Actual image
Prefer mirror image to
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CHARACTERISTICS OF ATTRACTION

• PHYSICAL ATTRACTION good match equal in
  intelligence attractiveness STEREOTYPE
  Beautiful people are GOOD (EX Princess Diana)
• Grooming Effect
• Who is attractive? In the eye of the beholder

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Attractiveness
High Attractiveness Average
Exaggerated female face
Composite of 16 female faces
Judged more attractive
Johnston (2000)
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Research results

• We like people who are pleasant
• We like people who are cooperative
• We like people who agree with us
• We like people who like us
• We like people who praise us

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Reward theory

• We like people whose behavior
• provides us with maximum reward
• at minimum cost
• This theory explains a lot of
• human attraction, but it does not
• explain all the dynamics of
• liking and loving

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Effects of praise

• We like people who evaluate
• us positively
• However, the dynamic is
• complicated
• We dont like being manipulated
• We trust negative evaluations
• more than positive ones,
• as long as were not the
• ones being evaluated

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The role of favors

• We like people who do us favors
• Even more, we like people who
• we do favors for
• We dont like people who do us
• favors if there are strings attached

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Rewards are notalways trans-situational

• Some rewards are perceived
• as rewards across all situations,
• such as food to a starving person
• The perception of some rewards
• is influenced by minor
• situational variables

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Key personal attributes

• Competence
• Physical attractiveness

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Attraction

• Includes a wide range of situations
• People we find appealing to work with
• People we enjoy hanging out with
• Friends
• Serious love attachments

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Physical attractiveness

• We want to believe that we value other
  characteristics more than physical beauty
• However, consistent research evidence shows that
  physical characteristics are the key to all forms
  of attraction

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Research results

• Physically attractive people
• Are given the benefit of the doubt when they
  misbehave
• Are perceived as having positive personality
  characteristics
• Are liked more
• Earn more money

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LIKING BY ASSOCIATION
Friendly E Ss choose look-alike Person A
Unfriendly E Ss choose Person B
Lewicki (1985)
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Conservative influence

• Our visual perceptions govern
• our feelings and behavior
• When given the opportunity to
• interact with others without visual cues,
• we often respond to personality
  characteristics in a totally different way

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Similarity and attraction

• If all you know about a person
• are their opinions, the more similar
• the opinions, the more you
• like the person
• If you like a person, you assume their opinions
  match yours

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Competence

• We like competent people
• However, in many situations, we feel threatened
  by competence

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The pratfall effect

• Competent people who show some fallibility are
  better liked than someone who is perfect
• This is especially true for males females are
  more likely to respond positively to highly
  competent people who did not make a mistake

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Being liked

• A major determinant of whether we like someone is
  whether the person has indicated that they like
  us
• Believing someone likes you increases your liking
  for them and increases your pleasant behavior
  toward them

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The role of self-esteem

• The lower our self-esteem, the more we respond to
  someone who likes us
• Low self-esteem leads to seeking out less
  attractive people in order to reduce the chances
  of rejection

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Fear of social rejection

• Research has shown that fear of social
  rejection leads to
• Lower intellectual performance
• Poorer eating choices
• Poor decision-making
• Procrastination

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Gain-loss theory

• Increases in rewarding behavior have more impact
  on liking than constant positive behavior
• Losses in rewarding behavior have more impact
  than constant negative behavior

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Necessary conditions

• For gain-loss effect
• Integrated sequence of statements that makes a
  change of heart explicit
• The change must be gradual

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Types of relationships

• Exchange
• Communal

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Exchange relationship

• People involved are concerned about equity
• That is, the fair distribution of costs and
  rewards
• An imbalance causes unhappiness

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Communal relationship

• Partners expect a rough equity
• However, neither partner is keeping score
• The partners have faith that some semblance of
  equity will occur
• Each partner gives in response to the needs of
  the other

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The emotion of LOVE
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Key factors in love

• Proximity is the major factor that facilitates
  people falling in love
• Similarity is the second most important factor

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Defining love

• Not just intense liking
• Not a unitary, one-dimensional state
• Complex and multifaceted
• Experienced in a variety of relationships

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Types of love

• Passionate love
• Compassionate love
• Consummate love

Sternberg (1998)
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Passionate love

• Strong emotions
• Sexual desire
• Intense preoccupation with beloved
• Rapid onset

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Companionate love

• Milder, but more stable feelings
• Mutual trust
• Dependability
• Warmth
• Deepens over time

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Consummate love

• Triangle of love
• Combines the characteristics of passionate and
  companionate love
• Includes passion, intimacy and commitment
• Rarely achieved

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TYPES of LOVE RELATIONSHIPS

• Laws of Relationships
• Factors in Love Relationships

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Laws of Relationships

• Commitment
• TRUST
• Vulnerability
• Intimacy

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Make Commitments / Honor Commitments
TRUST
Vulnerability
Intimacy
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Three Factors of Love Relationships

• Ultimate Goal
• Commitment
• Intimacy
• Passion

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Fig17_10
Sternberg (1998)
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Ten Keys to Genuine Love Scott Peck The Love
You Deserve

• Loving Yourself
• Friendship First
• Kindness Honesty
• Cherish each others Dreams
• Listening to the Heart
• Perpetual Intimacy
• Genuine Equality
• Empowered Manhood
• Empowered Womanhood
• Loving from Spirituality

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Implications of gain-loss theory

• Rewarding behavior
• Negative behavior

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Rewarding behavior

• Intimate partner is at peak of ability to offer
  rewarding behavior
• Therefore, people react more positively to
  rewarding behavior of strangers

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Negative behavior

• Friends or intimate partners can hurt us with
  criticism or withdrawal of approval
• Response tends to be attempt to reestablish the
  positive connection in the relationship

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The role of authenticity

• A relationship grows and develops if partners
  resolve conflicts through honest, authentic
  interactions

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Conflict and marital satisfaction

• Marriage partners who use an intimate,
  nonaggressive, yet confrontational method of
  conflict resolution report highest levels of
  marital satisfaction

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The role of disclosure

• We like someone better if we have disclosed
  something important about ourselves to that
  person
• We like others who honor us by revealing
  something intimate, especially if its negative

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Benefits of self-revelation

• Feelings of interpersonal closeness
• Strong feelings of relief
• General feelings of well-being
• Reduction of symptoms of physical illness

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The role of communication

• The ability to communicate complex information
  through highly sophisticated language separates
  humans from other animals
• Honest communication is often a difficult process

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Straight talk

• Clear statements of feelings and concerns without
  blaming, judging or ridiculing
• Effective because the recipient can listen
  nondefensively

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Effective communication

• Immediacy
• Feelings vs. judgment

Make I statements I feel ______ because
_________. Avoid You. at all costs.
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ATTACHMENT THEORY

• JOHN BOWLBY
• MARY AINSWORTH
• ROBERT KAREN

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Social Development

• Harlows Surrogate Mother Experiments
• Monkeys preferred contact with the comfortable
  cloth mother, even while feeding from the
  nourishing wire mother

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Clings to Mother when in danger
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Social Development

• Monkeys raised by artificial mothers were
  terror-stricken when placed in strange situations
  without their surrogate mothers.

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Reactive Attachment DisorderRAD
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John Bowlby studied children who had been
orphaned (lost one or both parents) during WW II
in England. He found that some where able to get
on with a normal life and others who where not
able to adjust to their loss. Bowlby found
that the difference was in how Securely Attached
the child was to the parent(s). The more
secure the attachment the more likely the
child was to be able to move on and have a normal
adult life in spite of great grief and loss.
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ATTACHMENT PATHOLOGY
RAD
Chronic Under Attached
TRUST ISSUES
Emotional Distance No commitment Revolving
Relationships
Possessive Controlling Cant Let Go
Fear of Abandonment Rejection
Chronic Over Attached
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ATTACHMENT BEHAVIORS

• TOUCHING
• HOLDING
• GAZING
• LISTENING
• RESPONDING

• VALIDATING
• COMMUNICATING
• SUPPORTING
• COLLABORATING
• HONORING

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TYPES OF ATTACHMENT

• SECURE
• INSECURE
• AVOIDANT

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SECURE ATTACHMENT

• AINSWORHT ( 1973) child turns away from Mom,
  returns to her, then leaves goes about
  exploring the room
• Easy to get close to others
• No undue worry about dependency/ rejection /
  abandonment
• Enjoy sexuality in an intimate, committed
  relationship

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INSECURE ATTACHMENT

• CHILDREN- cry/cling in strange room, cry when MOM
  leaves, may be hostile or indifferent upon her
  return
• POSSESSIVE
• JEALOUS
• REPEATED BREAK-UPS with same person
• ANGRY / HOSTILE / DEPRESSED

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AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

• CHILDREN- show little distress during separation
  or reunion
• AVOID CONNECTIONS
• AVOID COMMITMENT
• REVOLVING RELATIONSHIPS
• SEX WITHOUT LOVE one night stands
• FEARFUL (not too close)
• DISMISSING ( fierce independence/ self-sufficient)

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ATTACHMENT INFLUENCES
1. Infant temperament 2. Caretaker response
Responsive Parent 3. Culture Securely attached
children more social, emotionally competent,
more cooperative, enthusiastic,
persistent, better problem solvers, compliant,
controlled, playful, popular.
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RECOGNITION

• Jessica Benjamin (1988)
• The Bonds of Love

Psychoanalysis, Feminism, and the Problem of
Domination
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Recognition

• Essential to human existence
• To affirm, validate, acknowledge, know, accept,
  understand, empathize, take in , tolerate,
  appreciate, see, identify with, find familiar,
  love

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Paradoxical Mix
Togetherness v. Independence INTERDEPENDE
NCE I recognize you . You recognize me. You
belong to me, yet are not a part of me. The joy
I take in your existence must include BOTH
my Connection to you and your independence I
recognize that you are real.
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RECOGNITION

• MALES- must separate from MOM
• reattach to female as adult
• RESULTS dominance,
• poor connection,
• poor emotional openess
• fierce independence
• need to be out with the boys
• EXAGGERBATES female need to connect at intimate
  level

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RECOGNITION

• FEMALES need to be attached to male (Dad)
  without competition / rejection.
• RESULTS DEPENDENCY / CONTROL/ SUBMISSION
• EXAGGERBATES male fear of dominance
• And rejection. Female submission does not
• Give full recognition to male.

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LOVE OVERLAPPING You become part of me, I part
of you
SELF
OTHER
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EQUITY PRINCIPLE OF ATTRACTION
HATFIELD et al (1978)
We and partner get out of relationship
proportional to what they put in.
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GROTE CLARK (2001)
PERCEIVED INEQUITY
MARITAL DISTRESS
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DIVORCE

• TENDS TO BE RELATEED TO CULTURAL BELIEFS
• Individualistic passion, What does my heart
  say? For as long as we both shall love
• Communal obligation, What will others say? For
  as long as we both shall live
• 78 American women rated keeping romance alive
  important

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DIVORCE DATA STAY MARRIED IF

• MARRY AFTER AGE 20
• HAD STABLE,TWO-PARENT HOMES
• DATED LONG TIME BEFORE MARRIAGE
• WELL SIMILAR EDUCATION
• STABLE INCOME / GOOD JOB
• SMALL TOWN / FARM
• DID NOT COHABIT / not PREGNANT BEFORE MARRIAGE
• RELIGIOUSLY COMMITTED
• SIMILAR AGE, FAITH, EDUCATION

Any one of these missing may cause serious
martial discord/breakdown. All of these missing,
marital breakdown is certain.
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DETACHMENT PROCESS

• AGITATED PREOCCUPATION with lost partner
• DEEP SADNESS
• EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT
• RETURN TO NORMAL LIVING
• Hazan Shaver (1994)

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COSTS OF DETACHMENT

• LONGER CLOSER with few alternatives PAINFUL
  BREAK-UP
• MORE PAIN OVER SPURNING LOVE THAN BEING SPURNED
• Guilt over hurting someone, heartbroken lovers
  persistence, how to react
• Broken vows, shocked parents, restricted parental
  rights
• 10 x depression with marital discord /
• dis-satisfaction

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In marital discord some will

• LOYALTY PERSERVE hope good times will return
  (females)
• NEGLECT IGNORE partner, allow relationship to
  deteriorate
• INSIDIOUS EMOTIONAL UNCOUPLING
• talk less redefine lives without partner

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Divorce Prediction

• If man reacts to critical response of wife with
  defensive hostility
• If inhibited men marry critical wives
• HIGHEST when
• Coldness
• Disillusionment
• Hopelessness

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Myers says

• Close, enduring relationships are hallmarks of a
  happy life
• Close, enduring relationships are declining
• People today are more likely to
• Move
• Live alone
• Divorce
• Have a succession of relationships

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LOVE WELL PROSPER