Language Review 1

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Language Review (1)

• 2005 Fall

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Outline

• usage
• it and thatoveruse
• Wordiness and repetition
• Sentence Structurewhich, parallelism, two
  verbs, participial phrase, conjunction.
• THESIS STATEMENT and transition
• wordinessprepositionSentence
  Structurequotation

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usage

• Today on that day
• transitive verb intransitive verb
  mention/discuss about
• More than
• So that
• e.g. There were so many Christian teachers and
  preachers in the school, who tried very hard in
  preaching the word of god to the students.
• Correction ? In our school, there were many
  Christian teachers and preachers, who tried very
  hard to preach the words of god to the students.

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4. it and thatoveruse or unclear reference.

• Danielle
• Whenever I see the color yellow, what comes into
  my mind is always nothing else but the fruit
  banana. It is not because of the preference to
  (prep) this sweet fruit, but because it reminds
  me of one of the sweetest memories and I view it
  as a milestone of my changing from the past to
  the present.

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4. it and thatoveruse or unclear reference.

• Danielle
• Correction Seeing the color yellow, the image
  of banana comes right into my mind. It is not the
  taste of it, but the sweet memory hides in it
  that attracts me so. The memory of banana is a
  milestone of self-change, which marks a great
  transition in my life. (vague)

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4. it and thatoveruse or unclear
reference.--Correction

• Whenever I see the color yellow, what comes to my
  mind is always banana. I thought of the fruit not
  because of my preference for it, but because of
  its central position in my memories it marked a
  turning point when I became more mature.

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misplaced modifier

• gives a professional, calm impression
• male-centered idea
• We were able to use the class time of almost
  every subjects but also some major ones for
  practicing.
• Correction ? We were able to use for practicing
  the class time of almost every subjects but also
  some major ones.

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wordiness repetition

• Peter
• The CF on hotpot sells the food for hotpot. It
  conveysword choice the image of the
  deliciousness of the hotpot and even uses the
  feeling of family togetherness and warmth between
  people to sell the food, seducing people to buy
  the product, have the hotpot so that they can
  enjoy the warmth like people in the CF do, too.

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wordiness repetition

• Peter
• 1. Correction The CF on hotpot sells the food
  for hotpot. It creates the image of the hotpot
  being delicious, and the warmth in which the
  unity of family gives, as a strategy to seduce
  costumers to buy the product.

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wordiness repetition

• Correction 2
• The Kuei-Kuan Hotpot Food commercial film
  presents images of delicious hotpot foods, warmth
  and family togetherness to sell the food, thus
  seducing its target customers to buy the product
  and have hotpot as the characters in the CF do.

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Sentence Structure--which

• Helen
• Moreover, todays show was the story adopted from
  the Red Chamber which is my favorite literary
  novel so I must go!
• Correction 1 Moreover, the show today was the
  story adapted from the Red Chamber, which is my
  favorite literary novel so I must go.
• Correction 2 Moreover, the show shown on that
  day was adapted from the Dream of Red Chamber,
  which is my favorite, so I must go!

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Sentence Structure--parallelism

• Judy
• Lori carried all her birthday presents and with
  smile on her face, thought I could tell there is
  a little tiredness in it.
• Correction 2
• ? ?
• ? Lori carried all her birthday presents in her
  arms and a smile, though mixed with tiredness, on
  her face.
• ? (with a different emphasis) For all her
  tiredness, Lori looked all her birthday presents
  in her arms and smiled at us.

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Sentence Structure--parallelism

• 2. We are young, full of energy and having hopes.
• Correction ? We are young, full of energy and
  hope.

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Sentence Structure--parallelism and not only
. . .but also (2)

• Veronica
• In my opinion, the former ad about the engagement
  cookie was much more male-centered than the other
  film due to not only its dressing and setting,
  but also particularly the way it presented and
  the creativity of the punch-line.

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Sentence Structure--parallelism and not only
. . .but also (2) --Correction

• ? In my opinion, the former ad about the
  engagement cookie is much more male-centered than
  the latter one about cars due to not only their
  different supportive details such as dressing
  styles and settings, but also, more importantly,
  their stories and slogans.

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Sentence Structure--parallelism and not only
. . .but also (2) --Correction

• ? In my opinion, the former ad about the
  engagement cookie is much more male-centered than
  the latter one about cars due to not only their
  different stories and slogans, but also the
  supportive details such as dressing styles and
  settings. (different order)

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Sentence Structure--parallelism and not only
. . .but also (2) --Correction

• ? In my opinion, the former ad (about
  brand-name engagement cookie) is much more
  male-centered than the latter one (about
  brand-name car) due to such various factors as
  the characters dresses, the stories and their
  settings, as well as their slogans. (listing)

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(6) dangling modifier

• 1. Thinking of this, our eyes were full of tears.
• Correction ? Thinking of this, we have our eyes
  filled with tears.

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Sentence Structure participial subject

• (7) Sentence Structure participial
• If observe the indoor scenes carefully, hotpot
  food is the main focus.
• Correction Observed closely, the indoor scenes
  have the hotpot food as their main focus.

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Sentence Structure participial subject

• (8) Wayne Sentence StructureSubject?
• By observing the man runs in the rain, the woman
  in the advertisement, are anticipating for
  something at that moment.
• Correction Both the man runs in the rain and
  the woman in the advertisement are anticipating
  for something at that moment by observing.
• Correction 2 Both the mans running in the rain
  and the woman in the advertisement seem to
  suggest that something is going to happen at that
  moment.

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(9) Sentence Structure two verbs

• Only the scenes of a woman enjoys the hot spring
  is quite different from other outdoor scenes.
• Correction ? Only the scene of a woman enjoying
  the hot spring is quite different from the other
  outdoor scenes.

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Sentence Structure--conjunction

• (10) Clarissa
• There was no denying that the first film gave us
  the image of a doll whom was sweetly loved and
  looked after by a responsible and authoritative
  man where we could see the woman in the first
  film wore a pure white dress purity, cleverness,
  and obedience.

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Sentence Structure--conjunction

• (10) Clarissa
• Correction (1)There was no denying that the
  first film gave us the image of a doll sweetly
  loved and looked after by a responsible and
  authoritative man furthermore, we could see the
  woman in the first film wore a pure white
  dress--purity, cleverness, and obedience.

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Sentence Structure--conjunction

• (10) Clarissa
• Correction (2)The first film gives us the image
  of a doll--in a pure white dress suggestive of
  purity and femininity--who is sweetly loved and
  looked after by a responsible and authoritative
  man.

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Sentence Structure would rather ?

• (11) Maggie
• What is more, about the setting transition, the
  first film would rather let the audience
  consider word choice in a more male-centered
  way that the man gave his commitment to his
  beloved woman. misplaced modifier the audience
  more male-centered?

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Sentence Structure would rather ?

• (11) Maggie
• Correction What is more about the setting is
  the first film would rather make the audience
  think in a more male-centered way than the man
  gave his commitment to his beloved woman.(?)

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Sentence Structure would rather ?

• (11) Maggie
• Correction (2) ? In terms of setting, moreover,
  the first film lets the audience feel that the
  man, who does all the narration about his doll in
  white dress, is one of commitment.

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Sentence Structure would rather ?

• (11)
• Correction (3) ? transition Besides the
  difference in their images of the female
  protagonists (those of a doll and a career
  woman), the two films present their men
  differently. (The settings should be analyzed
  together with the womens images.)

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sweeping generalization It sentence

• (12) Angela (comp)
• It is not healthy for people who have higher
  fat. This will make their blood hard to go
  through their blood vessels.
• Correction (1)
• It is not healthy for people who have more fat
  and will make their blood go through the blood
  vessels hard.

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sweeping generalization It sentence

• (12)
• Correction (2)
• It is not healthy for people to have too much fat
  in their bodies, since, among other
  disadvantages, fat will get turned into
  cholesterol to accumulate in and even block their
  arteries.

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(13) non-standard English (or Chinese-English)

• Evelyne
• The idea of this CF is easy to understand. (which
  is? Didnt you talk about it in the previous
  sentence?) It actually can be divided into tow
  parts, structure and the background music. First
  of all, lets view it from its structure.
• Correction (1)
• The CF conveys an idea which is easy to
  understand. It can be divided into two parts,
  including the structure and the background music.
  First of all, we can view it from the sturcture

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(13) non-standard English (or Chinese-English)

• Correction (2)
• Here I will examine how this main idea of the CF
  gets presented both through its structural and
  musical arrangements. First of all, lets
  examine the films structure.

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(14) transition style use verb

• It the car is considered as the perpetual
  companion for human beings.
• Just as the punch line is the reinforcement of
  ideas in the commercial(use verb), the main idea
  is also the correspondence of the punch line
  itself, which gets to be revealed in the
  storyline.

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(14) transition style use verb

• Correction 1 ? It is considered as the a
  perpetual companion for human beings.
• Just as the main idea gets reinforced by the
  slogan of the commercial at the end, it is
  revealed (embodied) in the storyline of the
  film..
• Correction 2 ? . . .
• While the slogan presents the main idea of the
  commercial at the end, the whole film embodies it
  with images of the brothers relationships from
  childhood to adulthood.

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(15)bTHESIS STATEMENT and transition

• Leslie
• The concept in this commercial, that women should
  be treated equally and trusted, is a good example
  of bashingword choice the male-centered idea.
  We can dissect word choicethis commercial from
  two aspects that is, the theme, and the elements
  that support the central idea (supportive
  details).
• In the first place, the commercial sharply
  portraits the unequal trust between male and
  female by using three contrasts, making fun of
  the snobbish word choice husband and
  emphasizing the wifes ability. Therere three
  contrasts here, containing the switching of
  roles, the idea of housekeeping vs. driving, and
  the different objects they trust.

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(15)bTHESIS STATEMENT and transition

• Leslie
• Correction (1) Throughout this commercial, the
  idea that women should receive equal treatment
  and trust as men is strongly delivered, and,
  through the analysis of this CFs theme and
  elements, it further attacks the concept of men
  being all self-centered.
• As shown in this CF, apparently theres an
  unequal trust between the husband and the wife
  (or male and female), which is sharply contrasted
  in three ways the switch in roles, the original
  roles they usually play, and finally, the
  difference in values in regard to the things they
  each put their trust into. All of theses
  contrasts ultimately are directed in order to
  illustrate the capability of the wife and to make
  fun of the conceited husband.

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(15)bTHESIS STATEMENT and transition

• Correction (2) The concept in this commercial,
  that women should be treated equally and trusted,
  critiques male-centeredness. We can analyze this
  commercial both in terms of its theme and its
  supportive details.
• Thematically, the commercial sharply contrasts
  the man and the woman in three waysshowing how
  they switch gender roles, how they perform their
  roles, and what they each trust--in order to make
  fun of the carand--self-centered man and confirm
  the capable and sensible woman.

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wordinessprepositionSentence
Structurequotation

• (16) Zenobia . . . It is hard for them to
  control and change things, and they lack strength
  in their lives.
• In the first verse of the lyrics, can't get the
  stink off, he's been hanging round for days.
  Comes like a comet, suckered you but not your
  friends, we might first be confused that he is
  referred to whom. I think he is not necessary
  word form a person, and maybe it is kind of
  personification. I interpret he as the feeling
  of existential anxiety, and this feeling has been
  bothered active voice you for a long time.

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wordinessprepositionSentence
Structurequotation

• (16) Correction The lyrics, right from its
  first verse, expresses the sense of helplessness
  you can't get the stink off, he's been hanging
  round for days./Comes like a comet, /suckered you
  but not your friends. Who is the he? Not
  necessarily a person, he may be existential
  anxiety personified, a sentiment that the you
  evade without success.

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wordinessprepositionSentence
Structurequotation

• (16) Correction (2) The you in the lyrics, is
  helpless because you is haunted by a he, who
  comes like a comet and suckers him, and there
  is no way you can get the stink off. Who is
  the he? Not necessarily a person, he may be
  existential anxiety personified, a sentiment that
  the you evade without success. (integrated
  quote)