Emotional regulation managing mood

1
Emotional regulation (managing mood)

• FDR Practitioners are peddlers of hope.
• We go to other human beings to regulate our
  emotions. Schore 2008
• Therefore practitioners need to be in a good
  state of mind to satisfactorily meet that need.

2
Embodying the secure attachment figure

• Dont just do something - sit there

3
Its not just about thinking

• The cognitive revolution, intentionally sought to
  put emotions out of sight and out of mind. Now
  cognitive science must re-learn that ancient
  emotional systems have a power that is quite
  independent of neocortical cognitive processes.
  Panksepp 2008

4
Stopping thinking

• I find that when I am closest to my, inner,
  intuitive self, when I am somehow in touch with
  the unknown in me, when perhaps I am in a
  slightly altered state of consciousness in the
  relationship, then whatever I do seems full of
  healing. Carl Rogers 1986

5
The downside of cleverness

• Everyone possesses in his own consciousness an
  instrument with which he can interpret the
  utterances of the unconscious of other people.
• Freud 1913

6
Freud 1912

• The therapist must surrender himself to his
  own unconscious mental activity, in a state of
  evenly suspended attention, to avoid so far as
  possible, reflection and the construction of
  conscious expectations, not to try to fix
  anything that he hears particularly in his
  memory, and by these means to catch the drift of
  the patients unconscious with his own
  unconscious.

7
Alan Schore

• Can you bring about change through purely
  cognitive means?
• The answer is definitely no

8
The agenda-less FDR Process

• It might seem disrespectful but is it any less so
  to put two people together, ask them both to
  think about a failed relationship which has hurt
  and left them both feeling resentful and angry
  with each other and then observe them while they
  grapple with their inability to manage their
  differences? Me 2009

9
The perfect storm Im not the one you need to be
talking to

• When we are hurt we turn inwards and console
  ourselves with stories of injustice.
• I bet he has a story to tell as well and that
  all his friends and family agree with him.
• If I ask you, you say its him, if I ask him he
  will say its you.

10
Dealing with the parents emotional regulation

• One of the consequences of poor attachment is
  that there seems to be less space or spare mental
  capacity for accessing emotional and cognitive
  information about relationships. Rudi Dallos

11
Dealing with the parents emotional regulation

• In other words their capacity for reflective
  functioning to think about their own and
  others internal states Rudi Dallos

12
Dumb and Curious

• I hear what youre saying and it sounds very
  stressful, Im wondering why she/he is quite so
  invested in making your life so difficult?
• I hear what you're saying but why you?

13
Dumb and curious

• If I asked her what she thought you thought of
  her what would she say?
• So she might be under the impression that you
  dont like her?
• What incentive would there be for her to work
  with you?

14
Hypothesis

• Is it possible that when you do the
  meaning she makes of it is that you see her as a
  bad parent/bad person?
• I can see this is not your intent. Do you think
  its possible that you are suffering from a PR
  problem?

15

• Among biologically intact mother-infant dyads,
  the strongest predictor of secure or insecure
  infant attachment found thus far is the
  caregivers state of mind
• Van ijzendoom 1995

16
Natures potential can be realised only as it is
enabled by nurture Cicchitti and Tucker 1981
17
Deadly equation

• Personality Conflict Costly Strategy
• Strategy Conflict misunderstanding
• Misunderstanding Conflict Blame
• Blame Blame Gridlock

18
Your child is uniquely unsuited to conflict

• This is what I took to be your childs nature.
• This is how I think your child is dealing with
  your conflict. You might say that her natural
  predisposition is working against her.
• Developmental forecasting.

19
Its not rocket science

• If you really want to look after your children
  you are going to have to look after their other
  parent.
• If you diminish her they are going to have to
  deal with a parent who is less able to be there
  for them

20
Shifting the blame

• Go back to when there was still innocence and
  good intent.
• Highlight how the relationship let them both down
  when they needed it most.
• It Look's to me like this was a fair weather
  relationship.