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Understanding Entitlement:

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Title: Understanding Entitlement:

1
Welcome

Understanding Entitlement
A Major Cause of Domestic Abuse

A Domestic Abuse and Battering Intervention
Program of Lutheran Social Services (LSS) South
Central Pennsylvania
2
Presented byStaff of ADVANCE Program in York, PA

Roger Steffy, MDiv
Director
Juanita Jones, MHS
Program Coordinator
Matthew Grimes
Court Liaison Parenting Specialist

3
Contact Information

ADVANCE Program of LSS
750 Kelly Drive
York, PA 17404
Phone 717-852-9706
Fax 717-854-7266
Email advance_at_lutheranscp.org
Web www.lutheranscp.org

4
About ADVANCE

ADVANCE began in 1988
ADVANCE is a domestic abuse and battering
intervention program that works with those who
have been abusive or violent toward an adult
partner or a child
Use Duluth model as basic curriculum for mens
programs

5
About ADVANCE

ADVANCE has 3 separate programs
ADVANCE Program (original) since 1988
For men who are not parenting children. Focuses
on the clients relationships with current and/or
former intimate partners. (26 sessions)
ADVANCE Fatherhood Program since 2005
For men who are actively parenting children.
Focuses on the clients intimate partner
relationships AND his role in parenting. (26
sessions)
Women Choosing Non-Violence since 1998
For Women whove used violence in relationships.
Includes partner and parenting relationships. (16
sessions)

6
Workshop Outline

Part 1
The Reality of Male Entitlement and Privilege
Break
Part 2
Recognizing Entitlement and Responding
Appropriately

7
Part 1

The Reality of Male Entitlement and Privilege

8
Domestic Abuse Basics

Always make SAFETY the highest priority in
responding to domestic violence and abuse!
Especially the safety of women, children, and all
potential victims
This is done by pre-filtering everything we
plan to say and do with questions about safety
and risk

9
Domestic Abuse Basics - continued

Questions like
How might my words or actions be used to justify
further abuse or increase the risk of it?
What will happen later in private when I am not
around?
Who might be blamed or punished for my attempt to
help?
How can I help without increasing the risk of
abuse?

10
Domestic Abuse Basics - continued

Factors that may contribute to, but do NOT cause
domestic abuse
Mental illness
Abuse of alcohol or other drugs
Anger management problems
A bad relationship or bad partner
Poor relational or communication skills

11
Domestic Abuse Basics - continued

Both men and women can be abusive, however
About 95 of domestic abuse is perpetrated by men
against women
Most women who use violence in a relationship
were first victims of abuse
Male violence is sanctioned and perpetuated by
our patriarchal culture in ways that womens
violence is not

12
Domestic Abuse Basics - continued

Primary cause of male violence against women a
belief system that
Sees men as superior to women
Sees women as subordinate to men and there to
serve and take care of men
Gives men the right to control and dominate women
And, if necessary, to punish women to keep them
in their place

13
Entitlement and Privilege

Definition - Privilege
From Latin, privilegium, which is from two
Latin root words, privus or private and legis
meaning law (legislation)
Refers to a private law, a right, benefit or
immunity that applies to only one person, group,
or class
An advantage, immunity, or benefit held as a
right by a person or group and exercised or used
to the exclusion or detriment of others

14
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Definition Entitlement
To entitle is to give a person a title, right, or
claim to something to furnish with grounds for
laying a claim
Entitlement is a guarantee of access to benefits
because of rights or laws
In a more casual sense, it refers to someones
belief that he/she is deserving of some
particular reward or benefit, that they are owed
something

15
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Our focus here is on the use of privilege and
entitlement to control or harm another person
to violate that persons individual human rights.
More specifically, we are looking primarily at
male entitlement and male privilege
The rights, benefits, immunities, rewards given
to and claimed by men in our society and used to
dominate, control, and sometimes brutalize women
and children

16
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Types of destructive and unjust privilege in
society include
Economic privilege
Educational privilege
White privilege
Male privilege

17
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

There are benefits that people in each group can
take advantage of because they are in that group
To them the benefits seem normal and are often
assumed to be available to everyone
Those with privilege frequently discount any
claim that the system is unjust

18
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Privilege is INVISIBLE to those who have it
Those with privilege dont experience or see any
negative effects of it
They dont realize or accept that it creates
barriers which others run up against in hurtful
or limiting ways all the time

19
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Male privilege includes beliefs that support
things like
Male superiority
Female subordination to men
Traditional gender roles
Women belong to men
Women must answer to men
Men are smarter and better than women
Men are supposed to win and be right

20
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Men have the right to keep women in line,
especially their intimate partners
Men have the right to punish any partner
indiscretion using any means necessary to gain
compliance
Men have the right to control their partners and
have authority to make major decisions

21
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Male entitlement
Because I am male, I have grounds to lay claim to
all the benefits, immunities, and privileges due
to men. This is guaranteed and irrevocable.
Women and children owe me whatever I need or want
in order to be the man I think Im supposed to be.

22
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Bancroft states,
Entitlement is the abusers belief that he has
a special status and that it provides him with
exclusive rights and privileges that do not apply
to his partner.
Why Does He Do That, pg 54

23
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

How rights and power should look

Man
Woman
Children
From Why Does He Do That, pg 55
24
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Rights and power in abusive family

Man
Woman
Children
From Why Does He Do That, pg 55
25
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Male Entitlement and Privilege is common and may
be seen in men who are not abusive
But abusive and violent men almost always have a
strong sense of male entitlement
Where there is domestic abuse there will be
entitlement

26
Entitlement and Privilege - Continued

Therefore, visible signs of entitlement in a
relationship, especially male entitlement, should
be a signal that alerts us to the possibility of
domestic abuse.

27
Entitlement Becoming Abuse
Thoughts
Feelings
Actions
28
Entitlement in Relationships

Entitlement often becomes more controlling and
abusive in a relationship when a sense of
ownership begins
For Adults
Move in together
Marry
Pregnancy
For Teens
After sex

29
Rule Making and Punishment

Men often see partners and families as extensions
of themselves
Seeing people as possessions leads to a sense
that what they do reflects directly on me
Therefore, he can decide what they are and are
not allowed to do including questioning his
decisions

30
Rule Making and Punishment

Those who do oppose him or his decisions are seen
as insubordinate, and deserving of punishment
Punishment may be physical discipline of children
or attempts to get back at a partner to make
her pay or suffer, emotionally or physically
These beliefs about ownership are also a key
underlying factor in most jealousy

31
Entitlement in Relationships Continued

Violence against women is an extreme (but very
common and effective) way to maintain both
inequality and
entitlement

32
How Entitlement is learned

Where we learn
gender roles
As babies
As children

33
How Entitlement is learned - Continued

Whats in the Toy Box?
Modeling

34
How Entitlement is learned - Continued

Men are socialized to be dominant and to see
women as weak
Boys learn anger, aggression, and violence
If men are hurt, its ok to hurt someone back
Marriage gives men the right to intervene when
she makes bad choices
What she does reflects on him
The idea that someone has to be in charge

35
How Entitlement is learned - Continued

Men are culturally prepared for their role of
master of the home even though they must often
physically enforce the RIGHT to exercise this
role.

36
Entitlement in Pop Culture

Advertising and magazines

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41
Entitlement in Pop Culture - Continued

Advertising and magazines
Pornography
Film and TV
Music
Sports
Comix
Other media

42
Bridging Perspectives

Understanding Entitlement
A Major Cause of Domestic Abuse

A Domestic Abuse and Battering Intervention
Program of Lutheran Social Services (LSS) South
Central Pennsylvania
43
Part 2

Recognizing Entitlement and Responding
Appropriately

44
Religious Entitlement

People will do just about anything and can
justify doing so if they believe or can claim
that its what God wants them to do
Religious entitlement is essentially because God
said so.

45
Religious Entitlement - Continued

We dont need to be experts on the Bible, the
Torah, the Koran, or any other sacred text to be
able to recognize and respond effectively to
religious entitlement
But we must show respect for religious beliefs
even if we disagree

46
Religious Entitlement - Continued

Dont confront beliefs directly
Ask to see the passage ask him to explain it in
more detail
Remind him to focus on the texts that apply to
him as husband, father, man, not on those
addressed to women
In many cases, these steps will end his attempt
to use religious justification

47
Religious Entitlement - Continued

Can also ask about his religions highest moral
standards what it says about love, what it
teaches about right living (righteousness), about
violence and mal-treatment of others
Appeal to these central beliefs of his Tradition.
Most religions agree about the importance of
love, respect, caring for and serving one
another, etc.

48
Sexual Entitlement

Sexual jealousy - used to enforce ownership and
possession
Different standards being a stud while
calling her a whore
Objectifying women sexually
Sexualizing all physical touch and making
everything about sex
Sexually demanding and coercive
Fostered by use of pornography

49
Entitlement for Men of Color

Historically, African and Latino cultures faced
colonialism particularly at the hands of White
male dominance
The impact of slavery forced the father from the
family unit men were sold separately from the
rest of the family
A historical marginalization of the importance of
men in families

50
Entitlement for Men of Color - Continued

Machismo once meant taking care of family with an
emphasis on community and the greater good
Machismo has become a caricature of itself, with
focus on
Holding liquor
Dominance of women
Selfishness

51
Entitlement for Men of Color - Continued

Many Men of Color believe that the role of women
is to support their men in the face of White
culture
Lack of respect in the world, leaves many men
with an expectation that they should be given
deference in the home
Educated Men of Color are often seen as an
anomaly and believe they should be celebrated,
raised up, and not questioned

52
Entitlement for Men of Color - Continued
Borrowed from A Call to Men
53
Entitlement for Men of Color - Continued

It is important to learn to recognize the
connection to broader oppression
Connecting with a persons culture can be a way
to generate buy in about oppression and Men of
Colors complicity in oppression of women

54
Entitlement Fostered by Victimization

Being a victim can lead to a sense of entitlement
True for women or men
Victimization could have occurred in childhood

55
Entitlement Fostered by Victimization - Continued

Victims entitlement is rooted in
Sense of powerlessness
Lack of information
Lack of resources
System failed them
For children, the people they trusted failed them

56
Entitlement Fostered by Victimization - Continued

Victims usually have poor self-esteem
temporarily
Boys and men, however, are
Not encouraged to deal with victimization
Later might use it to justify entitlement
Men with entitlement typically have exaggerated
self-esteem or are trying to act like they do

57
Entitlement Fostered by Victimization - Continued

Resolving childhood victimization is important
Might be a necessary part of the change process
for ending abusive
Probably best done in therapy in addition to
domestic abuse intervention

58
Recognizing Entitlement

Review handouts in packet
Indicators or Signs of Entitlement
Entitled Expectations

59
Responding to Entitlement

Recognizing entitlement in every day life is
crucial for all human service professionals and
is especially important for those working with
abusers
All forms of entitlement, especially gender-based
male entitlement, provide evidence of the
mind-set and belief system that may result in
controlling or abusive behavior

60
Responding to Entitlement - Continued

To respond appropriately we must always remember
to
Think SAFETY first !
Of primary concern is safety for victims,
survivors, and potential victims - usually women
and children
But we must also remember that in DV situations a
supportive helper may also be at risk we must
attend to our own safety in whatever we do

61
Responding to Entitlement - Continued

Responding appropriately to evidence of
entitlement depends on ones role
For human service professionals in general
those not doing BIS work
Make a referral or recommendation for BIS
evaluation, individual counseling, or both
DO NOT refer for joint couples counseling which
is usually not a safe first step
As opportunity allows and safety permits offer
the entitled person feedback about your
observations

62
Responding to Entitlement - Continued

For those doing BIS work
Respectfully confront the entitlement and help
the person examine and change entitled beliefs
It may be helpful to focus first on an example of
the mans entitlement that is not as threatening
and use that as a gateway to help him see his
abusive male entitlement

63
Responding to Entitlement - Continued

Hold men accountable for their abusive and
violent actions
Help them develop the capacity to live
accountably, respectfully, and non-abusively
To do this they must recognize and abandon the
belief system of male entitlement and privilege
entirely.

64
Responding to Entitlement - Continued

For most men this entitled belief system was
largely assimilated rather than chosen
Most of us resist the idea of accepting
responsibility for something we did not intend or
did not choose

65
Responding to Entitlement - Continued

Like the message in my Fortune Cookie a couple
months ago, which I later learned is a Voltaire
quote
No snowflake in an avalanche
ever feels responsible.
Men may not feel responsible for having male
entitlement and privilege

66
Responding to Entitlement - Continued

But each man is fully responsible for what he
does with the entitlement and privilege he has
inherited
He can chose to change those beliefs replacing
them with beliefs based on equality and mutuality
Most abusive men need intervention to transform
their belief system in this way

67
Where Change Begins
Thoughts
Feelings
Actions
68
If Change Doesnt Happen

Its not the victims fault
She does not have to accommodate his entitlement
or take his abuse
She does need to take care of herself and keep
herself safe
Leaving the relationship may be an appropriate
option

69
Preventing Entitlement

To eliminate abusive entitlement in children,
parents can
NOT just say no
Emphasize Delayed Gratification
Teach Empathy do things for others
Model what you believe

70
To Divest Self of Entitlement

Remember privilege is invisible to those who
have it
Usually not aware of our own privilege or
entitlement, personally or professionally
We must look for it deliberately
Acknowledge it and find our core beliefs that
support it
Take steps to change those beliefs
Same process as for BIS clients

71
To Divest Self of Entitlement