Which version is clearer

1
Which version is clearer?

• Because we knew nothing about local conditions,
  we could not determine how effectively the
  committee had allocated funds to areas that most
  needed assistance.
• Our lack of knowledge about local conditions
  precluded determination of committee action
  effectiveness in fund allocation to those areas
  in greatest need of assistance.

2
The first two principles of clear writing

• The subjects of the sentences name the cast of
  characters.
• The verbs that go with those subjects name the
  crucial actions those characters are part of.

3
Nouns as Agents, Verbs as Actions

• Jim kicked Bob.
• Bob was kicked by Jim.
• Bob was kicked.
• There was a kicking of Bob by Jim.
• There was a foot-related altercation between Jim
  and Bob.
• An incident involving feet occurred.

4
Whos kicking whom?

• They embraced Eli and I as we were growing up.
  (Peyton Manning)
• Was an interrogation commenced?
• Entrance was made into the apartment.
• Thats still Greenie and Is team.

5
We like strong verbs!

• Nominalizations are verbs that have been turned
  into nouns by weak verbs.
• Ex. discover make a discovery
• use utilization
• Some of the worst offending verbs
• To be (is, are, etc.) make do have conduct
• There is a resistance on his part to change.

6
We have made the determination that you need to
make an application to the program. But Let me
make a recommendation use your best judgment. We
are going to do a review of our procedures. I had
a negative reaction to the comment. We have
chosen to conduct a survey of 200 people.
7
Weak expletives there is, there are, there were,
etc. If there doesnt refer to a place, its a
weak expletive. Ex Hey, theres the quarter I
dropped. This is OK, because there refers to an
actual location. There will be more information
to follow in the future. taken from actual Web
site There are many people in this society that
could benefit from the contributions of those who
are better off. An ugly sentence weve seen
before There was a kicking incident involving
Jim and Bob. Unless you have a reason for
delaying the appearance of the true subject and
action in the sentence, you probably shouldnt do
it.
8
More weak expletives it is, it was, etc. If it
doesnt refer to a specific noun, its a weak
expletive. Ex My first assumption about writing
is that it is a learned art. It refers to
writing, so this is OK. It can be determined from
the results that WLSU indeed does have an
identity problem. It is easy to assume that such
imitation proves that televised violence
sometimes causes violent behavior. Unless you
have a reason for delaying the appearance of the
true subject and action in the sentence, you
probably shouldnt do it.
9
Metadiscourse writing about writing

• I will first examine Plato and his two levels of
  style. Platos first level is described as the
  earth.

10
Metadiscourse writing about writing

• I will first examine Plato and his two levels of
  style. Platos first level is described as the
  earth.

Plato described two levels of style, the first of
which is the earth.
11
Topics psychological subjects

• I became ill after taking the medicine Dr. Cherry
  prescribed.
• The medicine Dr. Cherry prescribed nearly killed
  me.
• Dr. Cherry nearly killed me with his faulty
  prescription.
• Topic ranges from patient to medicine to doctor.

12
Rafael Palmeiro, On Steroids

• "I have never used steroids. Period. (March
  2005, pointing his finger at Congressional
  committee)
• "It was an accident. It was not an intentional
  act on my part. (August 2005, after testing
  positive for steroids)
• Note how the psychological subject has changed!

13
Two principles to follow in order to enhance
cohesion (flow)

• Put at the beginning of a sentence those ideas
  that you have already mentioned, referred to, or
  implied, or concepts that you can reasonably
  assume your reader is already familiar with, and
  will readily recognize.
• Put at the end of your sentence the newest, the
  most surprising, the most significant
  information information that you want to
  stress--perhaps the information that you will
  expand on in your next sentence.

14
Examples

• The data that are offered to establish the
  existence of ESP do not make believers of us for
  the most part.
• For the most part, the data offered to establish
  the existence of ESP do not make us believers.
• No one can explain why that first primeval
  superatom exploded and thereby created the
  universe in a few words.
• No one can explain in a few words why that first
  primeval superatom exploded, thereby creating the
  universe.

15
To contract, muscles use calcium. When we
understand what calcium does, we understand how
muscles are affected by calcium blocker
drugs. The fundamental unit of muscle
contraction is the sarcomere. The sarcomere has
two filaments, one thin and one thick. These
filaments are composed of proteins that cause and
prevent contraction. Two of these proteins cause
a muscle to contract. One is in the thin
filament--the protein actin. The other protein is
in the thick filament--myosin, an
energy-producing or ATPase protein. When actin in
the thin filament interacts with myosin in the
thick filament, the muscle contracts.
16
Polyphenolic levels, which help determine the
degree of astringency as well as anthocyanin
intensity, are relatively low in the Pinot noir
variety of vitis vinifera grapes. Because of the
lower levels of some of these large-molecule
phenolic compounds, especially malvidin, less
anthocyanin pigment (color) and tannins result in
the Pinot Noir wines. Pinot noir grapes produce
wines with less pigment (color) and tannin than
most other varieties of the European species
vitis vinfera. This vinifera variety has lower
levels of certain large-molecule phenolic
compounds. These compounds include malvidin,
whose lower level in Pinot noir causes the
resulting wine to have less anthocyanin pigment
and tannic astringency (puckeriness in the
mouth).
17
What the test will cover

• Topics from Williams (review this PowerPoint)
  nouns/verbs, nominalizations, emphasis, etc.
• Problematic passages will be given for you to
  rewrite, using these principles. (bulk of exam)
• Includes metadiscourse issues (handout)
• A question on Google (using powerful features)
• E.g., ways to restrict search to find your topic.
• Applying design principles (PARC)
• Leading and other spacing principles

18
Pairings for Joint Report

• Jen Mandy
• Seth Jason
• James Ryan
• Corrina Kathy
• Cassy Meg (proposed topic is fine)
• Sarah Danielle
• Jordan Nathan
• Jamie Steven
• Katie Brooke
• Laura Andrew