Title

1
Thriving with Your Spirited Child
2
Presenters

• Kris Wondra
• School Counselor
• Donna Doll-Yogerst
• UWEX Family Living Agent
• University of Wisconsin-Extension, U.S.
  Department of Agriculture and Wisconsin counties
  cooperating.
• UW-Extension provides equal opportunities in
  employment and programming, including
• Title IX and ADA.

3
Ground Rules

• Start on time, stay on time, and close on time.
• Invite participants and facilitators to be
  learners rather than experts.
• Everyone has a chance to talk. Thus, no one is to
  dominate the class. Others are here to learn too.
  
• No one HAS to talk. It is OK to pass at any time.

4
Ground Rules, cont.

• All parents must decide what fits or would work
  for them. There is no one right way to parent.
• Advice is given only when asked for.
• No one puts anyone else down.
• All that is shared is confidential It stays
  here.

5
Ground Rulesthe end

• This program shares what science and research
  tells us works for most kids.
• But, as the parent, you know your child better
  than any expert.
• Select and try the ideas you think might work
  best.

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You Are the Expert!
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Basis for Program

• Sharing what research shows works best for most
  children.
• Remember your role as
• the Expert.

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Basis for Program cont.

• An Agriculture expert can share the amount of
  fertilizer recommended for an entire field of
  corn.
• It is much more challenging to determine the
  amount for a single stalk of corn.
• Your more child is that stalk of corn and you
  ARE the expert.

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Introductory Activity

• State Your Name.
• Age of your more child who brought you here.

Hello. My name is
Mary
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Earth Quake Activity

• Does it ever feel like this at your house with
  your more child?

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Label Activity

• Write one word that describes your more child
  on their earth quake days.

12
Label Activity cont.

• How easy is it for a child to develop a positive
  sense of self when these words are used?
• How do you feel as a parent of this child?

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Label Activity cont.

• Unfortunately, words like these can become
  self-fulfilling prophecies,
• filling our minds and draining our energy.
• Fortunately, each of these words has a potential
  strength.

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Label Activity cont.

• Write one word that describes your child on good
  days?
• What do you enjoy most about your more child?

15
A New Perspective

• Negative
• Aggressive
• Loud
• Manipulative
• Wild
• Mouthy
• Nosy
• Anxious
• Demanding
• Picky

• Positive
• Assertive
• Expressive
• Creative
• Dramatic
• Honest
• Curious
• Careful
• Persistent
• Selective

16
A New Perspective

• Does re-labeling your more childs behavior
  make the behavior acceptable?
• Re-labeling helps us develop a picture
  reminding us of our childs value and potential.

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A New Perspective cont.

• Our responsibility, as a parents is to
• Guide and teach
• appropriate and socially
• acceptable ways of dealing
• with intense emotions.

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A New Perspective cont.

• When we hold a vision of the potential it gives
  us HOPE!
• It gives us enough energy to
• teach and practice the skills
• needed to turn
• behaviors into strengths.

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PracticePracticePractice

• ID a recent situation when child was whiny.
• Work with person next to you.
• What words could be used to help them understand
  what they are experiencing?
• How will these words give them and you a new
  perspective?

20
Labels

• Stick to our kids like burrs
• Desirable and Undesirable
• Affect how we see ourselves
• Affect how we act

21
Social Mirror

• Metaphor for the way we see ourselves because
  others reflect their
• Perceptions
• Opinions
• Beliefs
• Through words or behaviors

22
Social Mirror

• Used to form images and
• judgments of ourselves
• Im Obstinate
• Im Stubborn
• Im Difficult
• Often inaccurate and thereby limiting.

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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

• What we believe about others or ourselves can
  become true.
• We tend to act in accordance with what we believe.

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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

• Our perception influences the way we treat our
  child.

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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

• A child thought of as obstinate is
• likely to be
• Overly disciplined
• Tuned out
• Which denies the child
• the opportunity to go beyond
• the label.

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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

• Expanding our definition to can help us to
• Feel less anxious
• Feel less guilty

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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

• Optimism ( expectations) will improve success.
• Pessimism (- expectations) will depress
  opportunities.

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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

• Our perceptions can exert similar influence
• or can come true.
• We act in accordance with what we believe.

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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

• We communicate through
• Tone of voice
• Facial expressions
• Touch
• Posture

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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

• Our expectation may HELP or HINDER the child by
  influencing his or her
• self-perceptions.
• Children are apt to live up to, or down to, what
  they believe/perceive to be expected of them.

31
Basic Change Model

• Our perceptions influence our behavior, our
  attitudes and the results we get with children.

32
Change Model
 
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Negative Change Model See Attitude

• If you SEE your child as demanding, how will that
  affect your ATTITUDE or BEHAVIOR to them?
• You might lock horns, might say something youll
  regret
• youre impossible to please or all you think
  about is getting what you want.

34
Negative Change Model Get

• What you will GET as a result of your behavior?
• A child who is impossible, a good dose of guilt
  about what you said or did.

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Negative Change Model - Result

• How will this result reinforce how you see your
  child?
• They really are impossible .. and .the cycle
  will continue.

36
Positive Change Model See Attitude/Behavior

• If you SEE your child as persistent how will that
  affect your ATTITUDE or behavior to them?
• My child feels strongly, so I need to find
• out more from him, I might say
• something like
• you are very persistent or when you want
  something you really stand your groundbut, here
  is a better way
• to go about getting it.

37
Positive Change Model - Get

• What you will GET as a result of your behavior?
• A child who learns a new way of dealing with a
  situation, a good dose of feeling
• I handled that well .

38
Positive Change Model -Result

• How will this RESULT reinforce how you see your
  child and how you parent?
• It takes work, but I can do it
  and they are worth the effort we get a
  child who sees herself as okay and has a word
  that describes her.

39
Change Model

• Think about your own child and the change model.
• What have you learned about how your perception
  of your child might be affecting your
  relationship?
• Talk to your
• neighbor about this.

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Understanding Temperament

• Kids are born with a biological make up that is
  the basis for their temperament.
• Temperament is the childs most natural way to
  react to people in the environment.

41
Understanding Temperament

• Each childs style is unique.
• It is a behavioral style.

42
Understanding Temperament

• Life experiences effect temperament, but the
  childs basic temperament or style stays the
  same.
• Helps us anticipate the expected behaviors.

43
Understanding Temperament

• How the child will react in situations.
• and
• How to respond in an effective way.

44
Knowing Temperament is Useful in

• Providing effective techniques for working with
  all children in various settings.
• There are 9 temperament traits identified in the
  original study done by Chess, Thomas and Birch,
  who say
• Personality is shaped by the constant interplay
  of temperament and environment.

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Knowing Temperament is Useful in

• Each of these traits can be placed on a continuum
  from very mild to very strong.
• We are born with each of these temperament
  characteristics in varying degrees of intensity.

46
Knowing Temperament is Useful in

• Temperament is one of many factors that make up a
  persons personality.
• Other factors that help us understand each child
  include
• Gender
• Age
• Birth order
• Learning modality, etc.

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Temperament Characteristics Activity Part I

• Distribute Temperament Characteristics Continuum
• Complete continuum
• What have you learned?
• Any a-ha-s?

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Temperament Characteristics Activity Part II

• Place your three dots on three different
  characteristics that challenge you.
• Select the 1 that is your most challenging
  characteristic.
• Stand by it.

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Temperament Characteristics Activity 3

• Focus on Strategies
• What can we do to thrive with our more child?
• Use the Temperament and Guidance chart and the
  Temperament Traits Parent Resource Packet.

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Temperament Characteristics Activity 3 cont.

• Where you are standing is your discussion group.
• Review your information, add your own strategies.
• Select a reporter
• Refreshments!

51
Temperament Pie Each of us has a unique, special
temperament. The same is true for our children.
Each temperamental trait your child exhibits is
like a slice of the child. Understanding these
traits gives us insights into how to parent our
child.
Modified and Adapted by Nan Baumgartner from
Basic Parenting, Foundation Resources, Kansas
State University Cooperative Extension Service
52
Strategies

• Dr. Stanley Turecki, author of The Difficult
  Child suggests the use of the following
  management skills with our more child

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Strategies

• DEFINE recognize how the trait effects the
  childs behavior.
• AVOID the incorrect labels that demean the child
  and pass judgment.
• SAY THIS label the true behavior for the child.
  Be consistent so the child understands what is
  happening to him.

54
Strategies

• Finally, DO THIS take action. Do what needs to
  be done in a way.
• Remember your child is not
• doing this on purpose.

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Strategies Based on Guidelines

• Accept child as she is.
• Have reasonable expectations.
• Realize what triggers the behavior and change the
  environment to eliminate or reduce the trigger.

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Strategies Based on Guidelines

• Identify (name) what is happening and teach your
  child how to handle difficult situations.
• Use images, action and words to communicate your
  message.
• Distribute strategy cards

57
Going Further On Your Own

• On the Temperament Characteristics Continuum,
  using a different symbol, plot other significant
  adults or siblings in the childs life.
• Did you see any a-ha-s?

58
Going Further On Your Own

• Check out other spirited child resources.
• Start with the reference list on the front of the
  Temperament Traits Parent Reference Packet.

59
Closing Activity

• Using the ABCs chart find a word for each
  letter of your more childs name.
• Distribute the ABCs of spirited/more children.

60
I have an
nthusiastic
ore
ndependent
ively
ouza
Child. . . and Im glad for it!
 
61
Evaluation

• Please help us make this program better.
• Please bring completed evaluations forward and
  pick up a copy of the Power Point.
• Your input is appreciated!

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Program was provided by

• UW-Extension, Oconto County
• and
• Oconto Schools Family Involvement Program
• Visit the UWEX Family Living Website
• http//www.uwex.edu/ces/cty/oconto/family.html

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This Program Made Possible Through

• A University of Wisconsin Extension
  Strengthening Individuals, Families, and
  Communities program initiative team mini grant.
  
• Find it at http//www.uwex.edu/ces/
  flp/curriculum/spiritedchild/
• University of Wisconsin-Extension, U.S.
  Department of Agriculture and Wisconsin counties
  cooperating.
• UW-Extension provides equal opportunities in
  employment and programming, including Title IX
  and ADA.

64
Power Point Program Developed By

• Donna Doll-Yogerst
• Professor and Family Living Agent
• Oconto County University Extension
• Cooperative Extension
• October 2002