Family Violence and the Church

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Family Violence and the Church

• Peace in society depends upon peace in the
  family. Augustine

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Outline

• I.    The Reality of Family and Domestic Violence
• II.  Wife/Ex-wife/Girlfriend Abuse
• III. The Violent Relationship
• IV.  Leaving
• V.    The Role of the Church
• VI.  Q A

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The Reality

• In our society, more violent crimes occur in the
  home than anywhere else
• More violence occurs between family members than
  among strangers.

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The Reality

• You are more likely to be assaulted, beaten,
  molested, and killed in your own home by a loved
  one than anyplace elsei.e. if you are female or
  a child
• There is no one type of victim or abuser

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FV occurs across all

• social classes
• ethnic/racial lines
• age groups
• religions

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Christians too?

• Evidence suggests that Christians are just as
  likely an non-believers to be either victims or
  perpetrators of family violence.

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• Where one type of family abuse occurs, there is
  increased risk for other types of abuse as well.

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FV Worse than stranger violence

• betrayal of trust
• ongoing fear and insecurity
• can affect the victims view of the world and
  self
• creates a crisis of faith

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Social problems linked to FV

• juvenile delinquency
• substance abuse
• adolescent runaways
• violent crime
• sex offenses
• prostitution pornography
• homelessness

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Domestic Violence/Intimate Abuse

• most frequent form of violence that police
  encounter
• more common than all other forms of violence
  combined
• rule of thumb

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Domestic Violence/Intimate Abuse

• women experience over 10x as much DV as men
• USDOJ between 1 and 4 million women are abused
  in their homes each year
• Marital rape is a serious problem

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Domestic Violence/Intimate Abuse

• More injuries to women occur from being assaulted
  by current or former husbands or boyfriends than
  by all rapes, muggings, and auto accidents
  combined.
• Women are more likely to need medical care if
  attacked by an intimate rather than a stranger

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Domestic Violence/Intimate Abuse

• Most damage is directed toward the womans chest,
  breasts, and abdomenstrike zone
• More than 1 of 3 ER visits by women are for
  injuries caused by DV.
• 50 of all homeless women and children are on the
  streets because of violence in the homes.

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Psychological abuse mental, emotional, spiritual

• part of a process of intimidation by an abuser to
  establish and maintain control over his woman
• name callingstupid, slut, fat pig.
• isolatingcontrols who she sees, talks to
• demeaning behaviormakes fun of her
• using scripture to control her, justify himself

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Separation assault and stalking

• Women who leave batterers are at 75 greater risk
  of being killed than those who stay.
• She remains at increased risk for at least 2
  years after leaving

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• Every year, 1,000-4,000 women die at the hands of
  husbands/boyfriends
• DV is the leading cause of death for pregnant
  women in the US

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Violent relationships married or dating couples

• Males typical behavior in the early stages
• attentive, romantic, pushes for early commitment
  and intimacy
• shows constant concern for her whereabouts and
  activities
• wants to do everything with her, alone together
• These behaviors may reveal his need for control.

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• Ultimately, DV is about power and control.

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1st violent incident

• usually occurs after they make a serious
  commitment
• may have already been a push, a shove, a fist
  through the wall, destruction of her property,
  abuse of her pet
• A womans usual reaction is shock, confusion,
  shame, and denial.
• She doesnt realize that it likely marks the
  beginning of an escalating pattern of abuse and
  control.
• Typically, without strong and meaningful
  intervention, the abuse will increase in
  frequency and severity over time.

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The Violence Cycle common sequence seen in most
battering episodes

• 3 distinct phases
• tension building
• explosion or acute battering incident typically
  involves a combination of verbal abuse, threats,
  physical and/or sexual assaults
• calm, loving honeymoon period when he is
  remorseful Im sorry! It will never happen
  again

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Honeymoon phase

• convinces her to stay in relationship despite the
  abuse
• often convinces the uninformed friend, relative,
  or pastor that it was a one-time event it will
  not happen again ? victim receives weak, poor, or
  dangerous advice
• But, over time, the Im sorrys tend to
  disappear and she is at even greater risk than
  when the abuse began.

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Responsibility

• She blames herself and he
• wont take responsibility
• blames her for his actions
• blames drugs/alcohol
• says he lost control/cant control his temper
• had a really bad day at work
• But, nothing she says or does deserves his
  violence.
• He is fully responsible for choosing to handle
  conflict with violence.

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Lets be clear!

• No one deserves to be hit.
• No one has the right to hit a loved one,
  especially one smaller in size and weaker in
  strength.
• DV robs the victim of her God-given humanity and
  self-respect.
• Abuse is a sin and it is not to be tolerated or
  excused or minimized.

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The question!

• Why doesnt she just leave? Wrong 1st Q! Assumes
  
• leaving stops DVit doesnt
• she is responsible to stop the abusehe is
• its easy to leavewhere to go? how?
• he wont force her backthreats, assaults

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The reality

• It is much easier to get into an abusive
  relationship than to get out of one.
• ALL abusive relationships are potentially lethal!

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A better 1st Q Why does he abuse her?

• because he can
• because violence works
• because control feels good
• because he suffers no negative consequences
• because no one makes him stop

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Women stay because

• Maybe hell change
• She loves him
• She thinks he is sick and needs her
• Fear of retaliation
• Protect the children
• Fear of losing custody
• Fear of being homeless
• Her children need a father (children are better
  off w/o abuser)
• She minimizes the violence thinks she can handle
  it
• No access to money or credit
• Isolated from family/friends who might help
• Shelters are full (3x more animal shelters than
  BW shelters)
• Family/friends make excuses for him
• Police may not be helpful may blame her for
  provoking him
• He violates a Restraining Order but gets no
  punishment.

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She stays because the church preaches Mal. 216
I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel.

• Victims have heard clergy preach against divorce
  based on that verse, been counseled to submit to
  their abuser because God hates divorce.
• Mal. 216b and I hate a mans covering himself
  or his wife (NIV footnote) with violence as
  well as with his garment, says the Lord
  Almighty.
• How many of us have heard a sermon on Mal.
  216b?

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• The earlier and more seriously someone or some
  agency intervenes in these cases, the safer she
  is, and the greater the chance the abuser has of
  being held accountablea prerequisite to
  repentance.

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Role of the church

• John Sisson of Hitting Home Ministries
• Many churches are like the ostrich in their
  approach to family violence. Simply stated, they
  remain silent on the issue, yet the silence of
  our pulpits and the inactivity of our ministries
  are quite deafening. There are many who long for
  a fresh word of hope from the church, for words
  of either condemnation or of counsel, for
  ministries which might offer help and relief.

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• Jeremiah cried, They dress the wound of my
  people as though it were not serious. Peace,
  peace, they say, when there is no peace.
  614

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The churchs silence

• immobilizes victims
• encourages perpetrators sin
• perpetuates a shroud of secrecy, shame, guilt
• keeps victims trapped in their misery and pain

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Victims in Christian homes

• Their spiritual journey may be adversely
  affected.
• We may support a theology making marriage more
  important than the lives and safety of women and
  children.
• The Bible condemns violence hundreds of times.
• Yet we hear of desperate women who go to the
  church for help, only to be sent back home into
  highly dangerous situations and told Be more
  submissive and the problem will take care of
  itself.

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Misinterpretation of scripture

• contributes to womens guilt, self-blame, and
  suffering
• serves as a rationalization for abusers

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• Every message on one-way submission that does not
  take into account the experiences of abused women
  and children leaves victims further trapped and
  silenced.
• Some wives are driven from both their churches
  and their husbands when they find more
  condemnation than comfort in a setting supposedly
  representing love and compassion.

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Real experiences

• A clergyman suggested that maybe I wasn't
  pleasing my husband in bed that was why he beat
  me.
• The feeling I got from our church was that I was
  to suffer in silence.
• I would prefer to forget the terrors of my
  childhoodmy life is now far removed from them.
  But the terrorist was my violent father, a
  Christian minister. His first target was my
  mother. And as I grew and tried to be the
  peacemaker, he turned on mesome wifebeating
  husbands can be helped with therapy when their
  motivations are strong. But this wifebeater, my
  father, would have never gone for counseling.
  After all, as a clergyman, he gave counseling. He
  had no intention of reforming.

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Submission

• Biblical concepts on marital submission and
  parental authority are often misinterpreted to
  justify family violencebut this ignores Pauls
  requirement of love and mutual submission.
• Religious abusers use scriptures to justify their
  controlling and harmful behavior.
• Teaching one-way submission can perpetuate the
  cycle of violence and encourage the sin of abuse,
  the lust for power.

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Submission

• In an abusive situation, with the victim made
  powerless through fear or confusion, godly
  submission is not even possible.

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• This response to battered women and their
  children means that the church places a higher
  value on the institution of marriage than on the
  lives of women and childrentheir lives and
  well-being are sacrificed on the altar of
  marriage.

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LaVelmas story

• I thought hed get himself together. By this
  time, he was a minister. I prayed a lot, fasted a
  lot, cried a lot. It made it even worse, by him
  being a pastor and allI didnt think I should
  have to be going through that. By October of 93
  it had gotten real bad. That November I took a
  lot of pills. (A suicide attempt left her in a
  coma for three days.)
• I thought hed just get himself together,
  knowing the word of God, hed get himself
  together. He hit me with a wooden chair I had my
  face stepped on I have scars on my legs from a
  bicycle being thrown at me. He used his hands and
  fists. I wore glasses and my hair was long, so
  Id fix my hair so people at church couldnt see.
  I was always protecting him.

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• Whenever he would beat my behind he would want to
  have sex, get all lovey-dovey. And if I would
  refuse hed get upset, get more angry and
  agitated. I used to wake up and see him watching
  the Playboy channel.
• I was very confused. I couldnt figure out why I
  was going through what I was going through
  because all Id ever been for him was a helpmeet.
  And Id picked him up so much, so many times I
  was in his corner. I just didnt know what to do.
  I couldnt think straight.

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• I used to use scriptures on him, to love thy
  wife as yourself and the way you talk to me and
  treat me around people, the way you jump on me,
  is not treating me as yourself. I would use
  scriptures on him and he would get very angry,
  very, very angry because it was the truth. That
  was another thing, I was very submissive to him.
  I said little because I thought if I said much it
  would make him worse. But it didnt help me at
  all.
• In October, I was talking to a minister, two
  ministers. They were close with him and whereas I
  thought they were going to counsel with him and
  talk with him, they really werent.

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• They were more or less putting on a show because
  he was lying to them. But it was easier for them
  to believe it was me than it was for them to
  believe that it was him.
• In December, about a month before this happened,
  I tried to leave. He threatened me. He even told
  people that I jumped on him and he was afraid of
  me. He said that because he wanted to look good
  in peoples eyes in case he went off with his
  girlfriend he said that I was running the saints
  away from the church. And I wasnt doing any of
  it.
• My situation may be different from others you
  talk to because of the Christianity involved.
  Mine was God will work it out. I tried so hard
  to do the right thing within my marriage, with my
  husband.

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• LaVelma took responsibility for his ministry and
  tried to keep him saved.
• Today, she is believing God to get out of
  prison where she serves a 26-to-life sentence for
  stabbing her husband while he was choking her.

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Psalm 55 the battered womans Psalm

• Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my
  plea hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble
  me and I am distraught My heart is in anguish
  within me the terrors of death assail me. Fear
  and trembling have beset me horror has
  overwhelmed me. I said, Oh, that I had the wings
  of a dove! I would fly away and be at restI
  would flee far away and stay in the desert. I
  would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the
  tempest and storm. If an enemy were insulting
  me, I could endure it if a foe were raising
  himself against me, I could hide from him. But it
  is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close
  friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet
  fellowshipmy companion attacks his friends he
  violates his covenant. His speech is smooth as
  butter, yet war is in his heart his words are
  more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn
  swords.

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Concluding thoughts

• It is part of Gods nature to deliver from
  violence (Ps. 115).
• God commands us to rescue the helpless from the
  abuser (Is. 586 611).
• Are we being obedient?

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We can and must make a difference!

• Pray AND
• Learn about DV (everyone in ministry!)
• Work with community resources keep list handy
• Have flyers visible in the foyer and in restrooms
• Avoid couples counseling if DV is involved
• Find safe places for victims support shelters
• Encourage victims and abusers to seek help
• Feature sermons and Bible studies about abuse
• Believe her and take her fears seriously