Difficult%20Conversations

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Difficult Conversations
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• A difficult conversation is
• - anything we dont want to talk about
• Usually we worry what will happen if we do talk
  about it
• If we do talk about it, we usually think and feel
  a lot more than what we actually say.

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• A difficult conversation is made challenging by
  one or more of the following
• Conflict
• Fear, anger, or frustration
• Anxiety, procrastination
• Disagreement
• Misunderstanding

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The key ideashift to aLearning Conversation
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In a Learning Conversation, instead of wanting
to win and get your way,
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You want to understand what has happened from
the other person point of view, 2. Explain
your point of view,3. Share / understand
feelings,4. Figure out how to go forward
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Mistake 1 We believe - we are right, and
they are wrong. Mistake 2 We don't ask
enough questions. Mistake 3 We start off
wrong. Should start from the 3rd side.
Mistakes
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It takes awillingness to see and acknowledge
your own contribution to your difficult
conversations
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The What Happened conversation is usually
focused on

• Truth
• Intent
• Blame

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1. The truth assumption Im right. Youre wrong.
2. The intention invention - we think we know
   the others intention we assume they have bad
   intentions (and ours is good)
3. The blamegame We spend time trying to
   establish blame or fault which only creates
   anger, defensiveness, and frustration.

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Shift What Happened

• From the truth perceptions
• Whats my story? Whats their story?
• From intentions impact
• What assumptions am I making about their
  intentions? What is the impact on me?
• From blame contribution
• What have we each contributed to this situation?
  How can we fix things going forward?

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The Feelings Conversation
Have your feelings, or they will have you
Ignoring (refusing to acknowledge and deal with)
feelings your own and the other persons is
the most common mistake made in dealing with
difficult conversations.

• Feelings make relationships enjoyable and
  satisfying
• Feelings what make difficult conversations
  difficult

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The Identity Conversation

• The Identity Conversation
• (Difficult conversations can threaten our
  identity)
• Am I competent?
• Am I a good person?
• Am I worthy of love?

Difficult conversations are not just difficult
because we have to face the other person, but
because we have to face ourselves.
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Starting a Difficult Conversation

• Where to begin?
• Start with The Third Story
• The Third Story
• Their Story
• Your Story

The Third Story is not your story and its not
their story. Its the point of view of a third
person. To discover the third story, think like a
mediator.
Its like a mediators opening statement
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How to start?Start from the 3rd story like a
mediators openingPut their point of view first
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You seem to think x, and Im thinking Y. Can we
talk about this?Id like to talk about ___ with
you, but first Id like to hear your point of
view.I think we have different ideas about ___.
Id like to hear your thinking on this.