THE CHALLENGE OF RELATIONAL DEPTH IN THERAPEUTIC WORKING

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THE CHALLENGE OF RELATIONAL DEPTH IN THERAPEUTIC WORKING

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Title: THE CHALLENGE OF RELATIONAL DEPTH IN THERAPEUTIC WORKING

1
THE CHALLENGE OF RELATIONAL DEPTH IN THERAPEUTIC
WORKING

March 7, 2009
This presentation can be downloaded from
www.davemearns.com

Mearns, D. Cooper, M. (2005). Working at
Relational Depth in Counselling and
Psychotherapy. London Sage.
Mearns, D. Thorne, B. (2007). Person-Centred
Counselling in Action. (Third Edition) London
Sage.

3
CONTENTS

Working at relational depth
Resonance
Difficult client process
Client self-dialogues
The clients existential process
The therapists developmental agenda
Existential touchstones
Exploration of our own touchstones
Working with Rick

WORKING AT RELATIONAL DEPTH

5
THE PROCESS OF RELATIONAL DEPTH

The counsellors humanity is focused upon the
client
the client lets himself experience that humanity
this creates a huge therapeutic space/safety for
the client
the client experiences himself more fully
on an on-going basis the client is more sensitive
to himself-in-relation.

6
I stopped needing to pretend

Box 3.6 on page 65 of Mearns, D. Thorne, B.
(2007). Person-Centred Counselling in Action,
Third Edition. London Sage.

7
A Schema of Working at Relational Depth
B Negotiating client processes and self dialogues
C Contact with the clients existential process
A Offering relational depth
8
Two Aspects of Relational Depth

moments of relational depth
relational depth experienced as a continuing
relationship

9
Presented Dimensions of Self
10
Disguises, Clues, Lace Curtains and Safety
Screens
11
Approach/ Avoidance towards being met at
relational depth
12
How do we show our client that we are willing and
able to meet him at relational depth?

We go to our depth in order to meet him in his
We touch him tenderly in his experiencing
We are ready to be introduced to a deeper level
of his experiencing.

13
Relational depth is about the quality of the
relational contact, not the quantity
14
Relational Depth in Everyday Life

Doug the teacher
Mhairi the nurse
Lillian the social worker

15
CONTENTS

Working at relational depth
Resonance
Difficult client process
Client self-dialogues
The clients existential process
The therapists developmental agenda
Existential touchstones
Exploration of our own touchstones
Working with Rick

16
RESONANCE

Through self-awareness in therapy the therapist
becomes conscious of their experiencing, ie. the
immediate present flow of experiences. What they
experience is resonance to both the clients
world and/or for their own world. Resonancemeans
the echo in the therapist triggered by the
relationship with the client (p.181).
Schmid, P.F. Mearns, D. J. (2006). Being-With
and Being-Counter Person-centered psychotherapy
as an in-depth co-creative process of
personalization. Person-Centered and Experiential
Psychotherapies, 5(3) 174-190.

17
RESONANCE

SELF-RESONANCE
EMPATHIC RESONANCE (concordant and complementary)
PERSONAL RESONANCE (relational resonance)

18
SELF-RESONANCE

Client Shall I love him or hate him? I
dont know, I am confused.
Therapist thinking of his own partner Good
question! You never know. (p. 183)

19
CONCORDANT EMPATHIC RESONANCE

Client Shall I love him or hate him? I
dont know, I am confused.
Therapist primarily sensing the clients
confusion There are mixed feelings in you. You
experience affection, you experience dislike and
these are in you at one and the same time. (p.
183)

20
COMPLEMENTARY EMPATHIC RESONANCE

Client Shall I love him or hate him? I
dont know, I am confused.
Therapist sensing primarily that the client
gradually has been growing tired of the person he
talks about.or even forget about him? (p. 183)

21
PERSONAL (RELATIONAL) RESONANCE

Client Shall I love him or hate him? I
dont know, I am confused.
Therapist personally touched by his clients
bewilderment..which makes me aware how much I
truly hope you come to the right decision this
time. (p. 185)

22
When self-resonance spills over

Box 6.3 on page 141 of Mearns, D. Thorne, B.
(2007). Person-Centred Counselling in Action.
Third edition. London Sage.

23
CONTENTS

Working at relational depth
Resonance
Difficult client process
Client self-dialogues
The clients existential process
The therapists developmental agenda
Existential touchstones
Exploration of our own touchstones
Working with Rick

24
A Schema of Working at Relational Depth
B Negotiating client processes and self dialogues
C Contact with the existential process
A Offering relational depth
25
Client Processes

Existential Process
Psychotic Process (Prouty)
Fragile Process (Warner)
Dissociated Process (Warner)
Ego-Syntonic Process
Transference

RestrictingExistentialContact
26
The Developmental Basis of Ego-Syntonic Process

The person has survived a parenting in which love
and acceptance was not reliable. Negative
experiences would follow when positives might be
expected there was no way to rely on the
relationship. Ridicule, hate or abuse would come
when love might be expected.
To survive, the person needed to
Withdraw their emotional attachment.
Find ways to control the relationship
Find ways to control themselves in relationship.

27
Sandy

The fellow who has a parent who is sometimes nice
and sometimes horrible thinks that is the way the
world is. Now, in my own case, that is how it
was. At the time when I came to the school I
think the difficulty was, among other things,
that I was confronted by Patti his counsellor,
who was an exceptionally fine human being and a
very affectionate and decent human being. I
wasnt able to accept the affection, which caused
even more anger because everyone likes to accept
affection.

28
But if you condition yourself to not accepting
affection because, if by accepting it you only
let yourself in for the next downfall, you put
yourself in a position where you dont dare to
hope that the affection is for real and you keep
testing to find out if it is for real, and thats
the process where, step by step, you find out
whether it is. In a sense, maybe, that explains
my own need to hurt them, whether or not the
affection would continue to comeBettelheim, B.
(1987). The man who cared for children.
Horizon. London BBC Television.
29
Ego-Syntonic Process in Adult Life
The persons self-protective systems become
generalised to other relationships (cf Sternes
RIGs Representations of Interactions that
have become Generalised). The seriousness of the
resulting pattern can vary hugely. The person may
become

popular but unreachable
alone and lonely
controlling
cold
cruel
homicidal and suicidal.

30
In its mild expression their ego-syntonic process
leads the person to be confused and scared in
relationships. They know that things go wrong for
them and they come to expect things to go wrong.
But they genuinely do not understand why they go
wrong. They have done their best. They have even
tried to think about what the other person wants,
and be that (within limits). But it always goes
wrong.
31
In another expression they attract relations but
fail in relationships because, ultimately, they
have to be so controlling. They need to define
the reality in the relationship and protect
against its changing. They provide well on a
material level, function well enough in more
superficial relationships, but they must not make
themselves existentially vulnerable. Usually they
are genuinely surprised when the other person
leaves them. Again, they had done their best.
32
In a more serious expression, the person is
dangerous to themselves and others. They are so
threatened by relationship that their
self-protection manifests itself not in confusion
or controlling, but in detachment and even
violence. Their fear is so profound and the
degree of adjustment they have obtained so
tenuous that detachment and even destruction (of
self or other) are the only existential
protections they have left.
33
The Hook in Ego-Syntonic Process

But there really was someone there to love I
saw him I saw him often.
Its not just a rescuer thing its much
stronger than that. I couldnt let him go
because there were times I really saw him.
Its so frustrating sometimes she was a
wonderful person she was the fullest human
being anyone could wantbut then it would
evaporate in tears and anger.
He couldnt let me in. For 20 years he couldnt
let me in. We could even talk about how he
couldnt let me in Maybe that was it at times
he wasnt who he was.

34
Client Processes

Existential Process
Psychotic Process (Prouty)
Fragile Process (Warner)
Dissociated Process (Warner)
Ego-Syntonic Process
Transference

RestrictingExistentialContact
35
Getting beyond Transference

A part of me is not sure she should trust you,
but.
I cant believe Ive just talked about me, like
that, with an old man like you.

Difficult process rarely defines the whole of
the person. Often there is a dissonant part that
houses a different conception of self. Its
appearance can be erratic and its voice very
small. Often its dominant feeling is sadness.

37
A Schema of Working at Relational Depth
B Negotiating client processes and self dialogues
C Contact with the existential process
A Offering relational depth
38
Configurations

Chapter 6 The nature of configurations within
Self.Chapter 7 Person-centred therapy with
configurations of Self.
In Mearns, D. Thorne, B. (2000) Person-Centred
Therapy Today New Frontiers in Theory and
Practice. London Sage.

39
Definition

A configuration is a hypothetical construct
denoting a coherent pattern of feelings, thoughts
and preferred behavioural responses symbolised or
pre-symbolised by the person as reflective of a
dimension of existence within the Self.

40
Definition of Configuration (Non-Jargon Version)

Sometimes people experience themselves as having
different parts to their Self. Each part, or
configuration, is well-developed, with its own
feelings, thoughts and ways of behaving which may
be quite different from other parts.

41
Sam A 23 year old Traumatised Veteran

I walk around watching people and myself. I
watch myself watching myself. I have a me that
I use for everyday life. It does all the normal
things that other people do - it goes to work -
it talks with other people - it goes to the store
- it even makes love with my wife. It carries on
as though nothing has happened. And I watch it.
I stand in the background and wonder how I can do
all that stuff.

42
The Herald NewspaperSaturday, June 30,
2001Goran Ivanisevic Vs Andy Roddick

Against Roddick on No. 1 Court yesterday, it was
the good Goran who turned up for work to show
the crowd the talent in his game which many
thought he had lost for ever. In typical
Ivanisevic style, he later claimed that during
the game he was listening to his inner voice and
at times the bad Goran did turn up. When that
happened, he had to call up Goran No. 3 to sort
things out.

43
SOME CONFIGURED CLIENTS

Mary Most of the time I am a little princess
all sweetness and light. Butter wouldnt melt in
my mouth. My little princess is friends with
everyone and in general people treat her well.
She developed in my childhood and she is still
around. But I also have a hard edge as hard as
the little princess is soft. I call this part
vixen me. I shiver when I think about her. She
would scratch your eyes out dont mess with
her. She too arose in my childhood, for good
reasons.

Joe I have strong me and weak me. For years
strong me hated weak me but that has changed
during counselling. I understand now how weak me
came about it wasnt just that he was
pathetic he was scared, deeply scared. Strong
me helped me to survive but I need weak me too
he has parts of me that strong me doesnt.

Mary and Joe are familiar with their
configurations and have even given them names
that reflect their main themes. For other people
there is less familiarity, less clarity, but
still a sense of pluralism, as with Teri who, in
surviving a hostage situation, had discovered
another dimension of her self

Teri At first I just cried. I felt that that was
all I could do. Then something happened I
stopped crying and became cool, clear and
determined. I started to work out strategy. I had
read about the fact that more hostages survived
when they made themselves known to their
captors. So I stopped snivelling and started to
engage these people. I was amazed this wasnt
me speaking, but, in fact, it was. I wasnt
acting I was being me, but a part of me
that I didnt recognise.

Configurations are NORMAL ways to hold dissonant
material

48
TWO COMMON NARRATIVES CARRIED BY CONFIGURATIONS

SELF-EXPRESSION
SELF-PROTECTION

49
Self-expressive Configurations

The part of me that wants more out of life.
The bit of me that isnt satisfied.
The voice within me that screams Is this all
there is?

50
Self-protective Configurations

The me that just wants to curl up and do
absolutely nothing.
The part that wants to go back.
The bit that protects me by sabotaging new things.

51
PRESENT TENSE DERIVATIVE
PAST TENSE DERIVATIVE
ME AS I WAS
ME AS I AM NOW
EMERGINGSYNERGY
ANOTHER ME
CONFLICT
BIFURCATION
DERI VATIVE
ME AS IVE ALWAYS KNOWN ME
THE CREEP
CONFLICT
PROTECTION
Alexander Map
FUCKEDME
52
Person-Centred Therapy with Configurations of
Self(See Mearns Thorne Person-Centred Therapy
Today, Chapter 7)

Staying close to the clients symbolisation
Listen for the parts, but dont invent them
Avoiding zero-sum responding
Empathic mediation helping the parts to hear
each other
Multi-directional partiality prizing all the
parts
Therapists use of her configurational Self.

Staying close to the
clients symbolisation

Of course, there has always been the part of me
which is the dutiful daughter and the other one
which is the delinquent but there is another
sense of me as well ..... I cant grasp it .....
it is something to do with sadness .....

55
Listen for the partsbut dont invent them
56
LISTEN FOR THEM

Bill Finally Im going to be free of John! I
cant wait to get him out of my life.(stops
talking and looks down)
Dave Something else Bill?
Bill When I said that, I felt like crying.
Dave You felt like crying?

Bill Yes - its in the background. Its behind
everything I do.
Dave Its behind everything you do
Bill Its always there.always crying.
Dave Always with you and always crying.
Bill Yes, but only sometimes do I hear it. It
never says anything. It only cries.

58
Client there is a part of me that is
dreadfully vulnerable and sad .. she has only a
very small voice .. so I dont hear her very
often.
Therapist So I wonder what this hurt little
girl has to say to us

Client I dont know .. I dont know ..

Therapist From what you said before it sounds
as though she is not just a hurt little girl
but an abused little girl ..?
Client I dont know .. I dont know ..
59
BUT DONT INVENT THEM

Client There is a part of me that is dreadfully
vulnerable and sad .. she has only a very small
voice .. so I dont hear her very often.
Therapist So I wonder what this hurt little
girl has to say to us.
Client I dont know .. I dont know ..
Therapist From what you said before it sounds as
though she is not just a hurt little girl but
an abused little girl ..?
Client I dont know .. I dont know ..

60
Avoiding Zero-Sum Responding

Client Part of me feels x .. and part of me
feels not x.
Therapist So, you are conflicted about how you
feel?

61
Empathic Mediation Facilitating the dialogue
among parts

The client, Bobby, struggles with the confusion
around two parts of his Self. One part, which he
calls mental me, used to protect him and
control his existence through the use of extreme
violence towards others and towards himself. But
there is a newly emerging part, sad me, which
is beginning to flood into his existence

Bobby I cut myself with my knife but still the
sadness overwhelms me. Dave Cutting yourself was
your way of staying in control.
62
Bobby Yes - but its not working - that mental
part of me can no longer keep it together. Hes
in deep shit - his time is past. Dave And what
does he feel ..? Bobby .. Scared .. hes so
scared. He thinks that if he loses control I
will be done for .. Hes almost
crying. Dave Thats unusual for him
.. Bobby God yes - maybe hes not so different
from the sad part of me .. the sad part can
understand crying .. God, thats the one thing
he can understand.
63
Dave Can he understand your fear as
well? Bobby .. yes .. I was good at holding
things together. If I cant hold things
together, I might be .. Dave You might
be? Bobby Dead. The only way to survive in my
world was to be really mental - to kill and to
mutilate first .. But it comes from fear . fear
and sadness are not so far apart.
64
Multi Directional PartialityHonouring all the
parts of the Clients Self

Therapist It seems to me that most of this
session, so far, we have being hearing from that
part of you which you called the strong part of
me. You have also identified other parts of you
that were quite different from the strong part
of me - you called them lotus blossom and the
frightened part of me. Is it meaningful to
check-in with those parts - what do you think?
Monica Fuck them - they are in the past - they
are history.

Therapist Right - let me catch up - this is
new. Is it like they are, really, history, or
is it that you would want them to be history?
Monica Fuck you - you wont let them go, will
you.
Therapist I am not going to let them go if they
are parts of you - I am not going to dismiss any
of you.
Monica Who pays you anyway! (with humour)
Therapist Good point .. Actually, I dont know
who pays me. Who pays me?
Monica Clever bastard.

66
Person-Centred Therapy with Configurations of
Self

Listen for the parts, but dont invent them
Avoiding zero-sum responding
Empathic mediation helping the parts to hear
each other
Staying close to the clients symbolisation
Multi-directional partiality prizing all the
parts
Therapists use of her configurational Self.

67
CONTENTS

Working at relational depth
Resonance
Difficult client process
Client self-dialogues
The clients existential process
The therapists developmental agenda
Existential touchstones
Exploration of our own touchstones
Working with Rick

68
WHAT IS MEANT BY THE TERM EXISTENTIAL PROCESS?

It is unique to every person
It can only be comprehended by taking a
phenomenological perspective
It may contain a rich mixture of
self-experiences, self-assumptions, hopes, fears,
fantasies, terrors, experiences in relation to
others, assumptions about others and deeply held
values.

It can contain powerful internal conflicts and it
can also provide conflict for dimensions of the
presentational self
Its elements and dynamics are experienced by the
person as more fundamental to their existence
than the aspects of their presentational self
Consequently, they are closely guarded. To be
judged by another on the basis of a self we are
presenting is one thing, but to be judged for
what we believe is our essence is existentially
dangerous.

70
SANDRA

I had so much hate inside me. I could never show
it in its raw state to anyone. It came out in
lots of ways but I could not show it in the way
it was to me. I could not show the bile, the
vindictiveness, the foaming at the mouth
invective. I could not show it the way it was to
me I could not even show it to me the way it
was to me. It was too destructive.

71
PAUL

I cant describe how I am to me in ways that will
make sense to others. It goes around my head and
body in dream-like waves, at times coming into
the foreground and then receding. It is all ugly.
It is about how I am all ugly how, at my core,
I am rotten. I can feel the maggots crawling
around inside me, eating me up. Perhaps they will
eat the rot and help me? How could I show this to
anyone else/ How can I allow myself to see it?

72
BERNARD

Sometimes the real me watches myself at work. It
sees the smooth operator, totally confident and
blustering others with my confidence. It is as
though it is a magnification of the opposite of
who I really am, Underneath, all I am is a crying
little boy. I am curled up, rocking and sobbing.
My face is puffed up with a lifetime of sobbing.
My eyes are permanently closed I can barely
endure the pain of what it is to be me I cannot
open my eyes to see anyone else in case I see
them seeing me.

73
Working with the Client in his Existential Process

He gives you his self as he experiences his self.
What he gives is not dominated by relational
self- protective strategies
He finds it impossible to lie.

74
Striving to meet at Relational Depth with the
Client in her Existential Process

Sandie Do you really want to know me? Like, do
you want to meet the me that I am to myself?
Dave Yes, I want to meet all of you.
(Pause)
Sandie I kill my babies.
Dave Is that meant to put me off?
Sandie No, its just what I do.
Dave (serious eye contact) You kill your
babies .. Its a difficult thing even for me to
say. I have to steel myself to say the words.
They are hard words for me to say - I think
thats why I was glib.

Sandie Its what I do - the words are me - Ive
killed three babies inside me.
Dave You sound .. You sound flat about it -
on the outside at least - I dont know what you
are inside about it ..?
Sandie I need to feel flat inside about it as
well.
Dave Yes .. I think I can understand that .. I
think I really can .. its the only way .. to
..
Sandie Survive.
Dave Yes.
Sandie Isnt that funny ..
Dave That when you feel as you do, you still
want to survive?
Sandie Yes - Ive never thought about that
before.

76
Striving to meet at Relational Depth with the
Client in his Existential Process

Bobby Ive been feeling really bad things Dave -
really bad things.
Dave Tell me Bobby.
Bobby I dont know if I can Dave .. I dont
know if I can.
Dave This is really tough for you Bobby - I can
see that in your face. Youve tried to make
yourself tell me by bringing it up. But its
still maybe not possible. I say tell me Bobby
like I usually do .. but this is not usual
stuff - this is .. different ..
(Pause)
Bobby Dave .. I want to kill me.
(Long silence)
Bobby All the roads lead there - I could make a
good job of it too.

Dave I bet you could, Bobby - Im scared to use
my imagination.
Bobby It would be one thing I could do well.
Dave What are all the feelings Bobby - how do
all the roads lead here?
Bobby I dont know if I want to go into it Dave
- Ive got to this point and I feel a kind of ..
peace.
Dave Christ Bobby, this is tough for me. I knew
you were going to say that. I want to stay with
you in that and I want to pull you away from
that. Im no use to you unless I can stay with
you in it.
Bobby Thats not true Dave - its nice for me to
hear that. Anyway, you couldnt stop me.
Dave I really knew you were going to use that
peace word. I could feel how all the roads
lead there. I can see how that is a conclusion
for you .. and a retribution for you ..

Its the same as cutting yourself used to be for
you, isnt it?
Bobby Yes, it has the same sense of punishment
and control .. Do you understand how important
it is for me to face this?
Dave Yes, I do. You must face the question that
perhaps the only way to make retribution is to
execute yourself.
(Long silence)
Dave You will have worked it all out?
Bobby In detail, Dave - in detail.
(Long silence)
Bobby Its funny to feel so alone, yet with
someone.
(Long silence)

79
CONTENTS

Working at relational depth
Resonance
Difficult client process
Client self-dialogues
The clients existential process
The therapists developmental agenda
Existential touchstones
Exploration of our own touchstones
Working with Rick

80
The Developmental Agenda for the Therapist
Working at Relational Depth

expanding our experience of humanity
expanding the self available in the therapy room
configurations
existential touchstones

81
Expanding Our Experience of Humanity

Eventually I realised that if I was going to
work professionally as a counsellor, I had better
find out something about the other half of
humanity. So I started to work with men!
I never actively accepted myself as
homophobic, but I was. Joining the mens group
soon blew that away.

When it would come to the edge of meeting the
depths of my clients despair I would always pull
back. I got over that edge, initially, through
reading about peoples experiences of despair.
That would take me into my tears and closer to
my sense of my own existence.

An experience which helped me to sustain myself
in the work with Rick was attending an
informal rap group of veterans.I used that
group to stay connected with the kinds of
experiencing they spoke about.
(Mearns Cooper, 2005 107)

84
The Developmental Agenda for the Therapist
Working at Relational Depth

expanding our experiences of humanity
expanding the self available in the therapy room
configurations
existential touchstones

The Therapists use of her
configurational self?

86
Working all together with Clair
Extract 1

Dave 1 I really dont understand why you are
leaving the job.
Clair 1 No, I knew you wouldnt.
Dave 2 You mean you knew that I wouldnt
understand it?
Clair 2 Yes .. Ive seen it for ages. We are
o.k. when we are working on my strong Self - that
work has been great - I wouldnt take anything
away from it. But my little girl isnt so sure
about you.
Dave 3 She doesnt trust me.
Clair 3 She doesnt think you want to know her
.. She is pretty scared you know.

Dave 4 (pause) I suppose we havent spent enough
time on her. (pause) I guess I didnt hear her
very well - I didnt realise how bad she felt. I
see now that I didnt hear her very well.
Clair 4 I didnt let her come out very often
with you. Maybe I thought you wouldnt like me
if I really showed you her.
Dave 5 And perhaps I wasnt as open to her as I
could have been ..
Clair 5 Well, she has got to come out now. She
needs to become a big girl now. So I am holding
her hand and walking her out.
Dave 6 And what are you feeling, little girl?
Clair 6 I am scared .. and I am angry. I am
not sure if I can trust you .. But I want to
trust you.
Dave 7 I want to apologise to you for not really
listening to you until now.

88
Extract 2 (two sessions later)

Clair 1 It is better now, in here. It feels as
though there are four of us working together.
Dave 1 You mean, two of you and two of me?
Clair 2 Yes.
Dave 2 The two parts of you, you have called
your strong Self and your little girl. But
you also sense two parts to me here?
Clair 3 Yes, dont you?
Dave 3 Yes, but I havent given them names yet -
in here at least - what is your sense of them?
Clair 4 One is watching over everything that is
happening. He is pretty competent, but he is
also nervous. The other is not so used to being
here but he has been invited. He has got a
softness and vulnerability which is really good
for me. He helps me to be soft with myself.
Dave 4 He helps you to be soft with yourself ..?

Clair 5 When it was only your strong,
competent self that was here - then my strong
self just got together with you and there was no
space for softies - no space for softies in
either of us.
Dave 5 And it is important that we touch that
softness in you ..?
Clair 6 It is important that we are all here,
together. My parts both have strength - but they
need to get along together, like yours do.
Dave 6 Maybe I am more tentative, than I look,
my soft part kind of feels okay with this but
is a bit unsure.
Clair 7 That is what soft parts are like,
silly! Being unsure is part of being soft.
Dave 7 I think you are more experienced at this
than me, Clair.
Clair 8 Never mind, well help each other along!

90
The Developmental Agenda for the Therapist
Working at Relational Depth

expanding our experiences of humanity
expanding the self available in the therapy room
configurations
existential touchstones

91
Definition of existential touchstones

Life events and self-experiences that have given
us glimpses of different dimensions of ourself
and which we can enter to put us into a feeling
state that is closer to our clients present
experiencing and thus act as a bridge for us
into a fuller meeting with our client.
Mearns, D. Thorne, B. (2007). Person-Centred
Counselling in Action. Third edition, p.147,
London Sage.

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Existential Touchstones Vulnerabilities turned
into strengths

Five counsellors give us glimpses of earlier,
difficult experiences that have become
existential touchstones for them in their work
The memory of my own earlier aloneness is
something I can touch to bring me closer to my
isolated or cut off clients.

It took me years to get over my own early
experiences of humiliation but now it doesnt
frighten me any more now I can even use it as a
way of getting closer to my clients experience
of humiliation or abuse.
I dont think you ever get over a major
bereavement. But it gets to a point that it
deepens you as a person and helps you to be with
your client in their own depths.

My clients anger was frightening in its power.
At first I shrank from it but I got back close
to it by touching how my old anger had felt. It
was interesting to see me use that for the very
first time.
Seeing myself survive some threatening situations
has become a source of strength for me. I am
never frightened by my client. If he offers
threat, often as a way of pushing me away, I am
not pushed away.

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Exercise What are, or might become, my
touchstones?

WHAT KIND OF SIGNIFICANT SELF EXPERIENCES HAVE I
HAD IN MY LIFE THAT HAVE HAD CONSIDERABLE
EXISTENTIAL SIGNIFICANCE FOR ME?
DO I DRAW DEPTH FROM ANY OF THESE IN MY WORK AS A
THERAPIST?
ARE THERE ANY THAT I HAVE NOT USED, BUT THAT I
COULD MAKE USE OF?
ARE THERE ANY THAT I AM NOT YET READY TO USE, BUT
THAT I MAY USE AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE?
ARE THERE ANY THAT I THINK I WILL NEVER BE ABLE
TO USE?

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CONTENTS