Clarity

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Clarity

• Pocket Style Handbook
• By Diana Hacker

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Tighten Wordy Sentences

• A sentence is wordy if its meaning can be
  conveyed in fewer words.
• Redundancies
• Cooperate together
• Basic essentials
• True fact

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Example

• Michael was portrayed or stereotyped as a dumb
  jock even though he had the highest grades on the
  soccer team.
• Michael was stereotyped as a dumb jock even
  though he had the highest grades on the soccer
  team.

4
Example

• Daniel is employed at a software company working
  as a marketing assistance.
• Daniel works at a software company as a marketing
  assistance.

5
Modifiers

• are redundant when their meanings are suggested
  by other words in the sentence.
• Example
• Sylvia very hurriedly scribbled her name and
  phone number on the back of a greasy napkin.

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Corrected

• Sylvia scribbled her name and phone number on
  the back of a greasy napkin.

7
Empty or Inflated Phrases

• An empty word or phrase can be cut with little
  or no loss of meaning. An inflated phrase can be
  reduced to a word or two.
• Example
• In my opinion our current immigration policy is
  misguided on several counts.

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Corrected

• Our current immigration policy is misguided on
  several counts.
• Example
• We will file the appropriate forms in the event
  that we cannot meet the deadline.

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Corrected

• We will file the appropriate forms if we cannot
  meet the deadline.

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A Pocket Style Manual

• Review page three and make note of the inflated
  phrases you use in your writing.

11
Needlessly Complex Structures

• Example
• There is another DVD that tells
• the story of Charles Darwin an introduces the
  theory of evolution.

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Corrected

• Another DVD tells the story of Charles Darwin an
  introduces the theory of evolution.
• Example
• It is important that all police officers follow
  strict procedures when apprehending a suspect.

13
Corrected

• All police officers must follow strict procedures
  when apprehending a suspect.
• Example
• The CEO claimed that because of volatile market
  conditions she could not make an estimate of the
  company's future profits.

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Corrected

• The CEO claimed that because of volatile market
  conditions she could not estimate of the
  company's future profits.

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Prefer Active Verbs

• Active verbs express meaning more vigorously that
  their duller counterparts.
• Forms of the verb be or verbs in the passive
  voice. Forms of to be (be, am , is, are, was,
  were, being, and been) lack vigor because they
  convey no action. Passive verbs lack strength
  because their subjects receive the action instead
  of doing it.

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Form of Be

• A surge of power was responsible for the
  destruction of the coolant pumps.
• Passive
• The coolant pumps were destroyed by a surge
  of power.
• Active
• A surge of power destroyed the coolant pumps.

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When to replace to be verbs.

• Buying nuclear waste in America would be in
  violation of an international treaty.
• Buying nuclear waste in America would violate an
  international treaty.
• When Rosa Parks was resistant to giving up her
  seat on the bus, she became a civil rights hero.
• When Rosa Parks resisted giving up her seat on
  the bus, she became a civil rights hero.

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When to Replace Passive Verbs

• In the active voice, the subject of the sentence
  does the action in the passive, the subject
  receives the action.
• Active
• The committee reached a decision.
• Passive
• A decision was reached by the committee.

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To replace a passive verb with an active
alternative, make the actor the subject of the
sentence.

• The transformer was struck by lightening,
  plunging us into darkness.
• Lightning struck the transformer, plunging us
  into darkness.

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Another Example

• The land was stripped of timber before the
  settlers realized the consequences of their
  actions.
• The settlers stripped the land of timber before
  realizing the consequences of their actions.