Self Esteem

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Self Esteem

• Session 7

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What is self esteem?

• Self esteem pertains to an inner conviction of
  our worth. Positive self esteem says that I am
  competent to live and worthy of happiness. I am
  appropriate to life and its challenges.

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• I matter.

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To have poor self esteem is to

• Feel that I am inappropriate for life
• Feel that I am wrong. Not wrong about issues or
  knowledge. Wrong as a person. Wrong in my being.
• Feel basically inadequate and unworthy.

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• Self esteem is different than pride. Pride
  pertains to the pleasure we take in ourselves
  because of specific achievement or actions.

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Pride is

• I have.

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Self Esteem is

• I can!

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Behaviors indicating positive self esteem

• Facial expression and mannerisms project joy in
  being alive simple delight.

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HONESTY

• When speaking of accomplishments or shortcomings

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Comfortable

• When giving and receiving compliments,
  expressions of affection, appreciation

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OPEN

• To criticism
• Comfortable
• About making mistakes

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• Moves with sense of ease and spontaneity

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• Agreement
• between what the person says and does.
• Harmony
• in how the person looks, sounds, and moves.

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An attitude of

• Openness and curiosity toward new ideas,
• experiences, and
• possibilities

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Displays

• A sense of humor toward
• self
• and others.

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Projects

• An attitude of flexibility

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• Is comfortable with assertive communication and
  behavior.

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• Preserves a quality of dignity and control even
  under stress

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Unfortunately, early in life many of us receive
the message ,You are not good enough.
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• You may have potential, but you are unacceptable
  as you are. You need to be fixed.

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You are not enough

• Is communicated through criticism
• and excessive praise

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Common Misconceptions

• People with high self esteem always feel
• Cheerful
• Confident
• Secure
• They never feel
• Anxious
• Uncertain
• Worry

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• Pause for a moment
• to reflect on your own
• self esteem, as a
• child
• and as an adult.

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To Assess Your Own Self EsteemTake the Quiz

• Are you easily hurt by criticism?
• Are you very shy or overly aggressive?
• Do you try to hide your feelings from others?
• Do you fear close relationships?
• Do you try to blame your mistakes on others?
• Do you find excuses for refusing to change?
• Do you avoid new experiences?
• Do you continually with you could change your
  appearance?
• Are you too modest about your own success?
• Are you glad when others fail?

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• If you answered MOST of these questions yes,
  your self esteem could probably use some
  improvement.

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• What are some things that have affected your
  self esteem?

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Low self esteem comes from

• Rejection
• Conditional love or no love at all
• Lack of attention, being ignored
• Not being taken seriously
• Not being listened to
• Disrespect

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Low Self Esteem Comes From

• Emotional abuse
• Prejudice
• Comparison, perfectionism
• Focusing on externals
• Too high/too low expectations
• Resentment
• Physical and sexual abuse/exploitation

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High Self Esteem Comes From

• Acceptance, respect, love
• Attention/being taken seriously
• Feeling of connectedness/belonging
• Honesty (fact and sensitivity)
• Honoring uniqueness
• Authentic expression of feelings
• Encouragement, support, appreciation
• Safety/security

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High Self Esteem Comes From

• High and reasonable expectations
• Sense of personal power/having choices
• Being responsible
• Being healthy and fit
• Affectionate and appropriate touch
• Forgiveness/allowing and learning from mistakes
• Sense of purpose
• Laughter and play

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• As children observe and experience the positive
  influences in their lives, they conclude, Im
  okay. Mom/Dad/the teacher thinks Im
  important. I must matter. Im worthwhile.
  Im loved.
• If we stop doing the things that lower self
  esteem and start doing more of the things that
  raise it, youll notice marked improvements in
  your classroom/family.

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When giving praise

• Be specific
• Be sincere
• Focus on the effort not the product
• Point out how child has progressed
• Let child do own evaluating (I thought you did
  well. How do you think you did?)

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• Describe positive behavior and positive results
• Dont praise by comparison
• Dont praise so extravagantly that the child
  feels pressured to go on shining
• Dont use backhanded praise (Its nice to see you
  being good for a change.)

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• Listen
• Listen
• Listen

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Principles for Negative Feedback

• Focus on the behavior (what they did not who they
  are)
• Focus on things that can be changed
• Based on observations, not inferences
• Avoid absolutes (never, always, etc.)
• Based on the childs needs, not yours
• Focus on future, not past
• Limit amount of feedback

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Allow natural or logical consequences

• Set up logical consequences ahead of time and
  stick to them.
• Dont rant and rave. Then it becomes your
  problem. Ask the child what he did wrong and what
  the consequence is for that misbehavior. Carry
  out the consequence.

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• At some point after you have repeatedly made a
  rule in the childs best interest, let her make
  the choice and see the consequences. Let her go
  without the jacket have all the junk food she
  wants at the fair swim when you know the water
  is too cold stay up late and see how tired he is
  the next day.
• This only works if you have maintained consistent
  enforcement of the rules prior to the situation.

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• Own your own issues. (If something pushes your
  button, look to see if its really the childs
  problem or your own)
• Determine nonnegotiable and negotiable rules.

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Questions to Encourage Self-Evaluation

• What do you want?
• What are you doing to get what you want?
• Is what youre doing working?
• How does it feel when you think like that?
• Can you do something that would be more helpful?

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• Self-Evaluation
• When you behave like that, how do you feel?
• What do you really want?
• If your present pattern of behavior doesnt seem
  to be helping, what else might you do?
• Do you think it is worth trying something
  different?

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You and the child must believe and accept
thatStruggle is a part of life
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• We can lay a strong foundation for healthy self
  esteem by accepting as natural and normal the
  process of making mistakes.

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Competencies Children Need

• Unique gifts and skills
• Self-awareness
• Self-control
• Initiates interactions
• Expresses oneself
• Listens to others

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Competencies

• Shows respect
• Cooperates and shares
• Problem-solves/negotiates
• Makes keeps commitments
• Be responsible
• Contributes to others

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Final thought

• Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
• Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
• beyond measure.
• It is our light, not our darkness,
• that most frightens us.
• We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
• gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
• Actually, who are you not to be?
• You are a child of God.
• Your playing small doesnt serve the world.
• Theres nothing enlightened about shrinking
• so that other people wont feel
• insecure around you.

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• We were born to make manifest
• The glory of God that is within us.
• Its not just in some of us its in everyone.
• And as we let our own light shine,
• we unconsciously give other people
• permission to do the same.
• As we are liberated from our own fears,
• our presence automatically
• Liberates others.
• -1994 Inaugural Speech
• Nelson Mandela

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Resources

• Branden, Nathaniel. Honoring the Self.
• Hart, Louise. The Winning Family.
• LaMeres, Clare. The Winners Circle Yes, I Can!
  LaMeres Lifestyles Unlimited New Port Beach,
  1990.